AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

[lifesbeenfeelingheavylately]

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

One fucked up decision after another.

OMG. Not once has anyone suggested YOU take HIM to court.

HE can go to court to arrange appropriate access to your child. It’s a formal structure so that you aren’t the gateway to access and prevent him from controlling you because you have basically given him an open door to your child and therefore YOU.

Do you need me to find some crayons?

Yes, darling. I’ve been married over 20 years. Very happy. Lovely child and a capable husband and father. I’m not bitter, you’re just incredibly dense.

Seen multiple friends and family members deal with child access through the courts, hence trying to give you helpful
advice.

Thank you, I really appreciate you.

1-2 hours is not enough for him, I can manage 4 hours, but as I mentioned before, he likes to out stay his welcome.

Given the circumstances, I don't believe he will ever want to have the baby overnight.

The other day, I went into my wardrobe and found some of his clothes hanging up, along with a bag full of toiletries.

When I asked him why his clothes were in my wardrobe, he answered, 'Just in case.'

I am not going through the courts, there’s no need.

Does your mother need some crayons?

Ironically, she was a nursery teacher. 😂.

And she was instrumental in helping my sister navigate similar issues with her baby’s father through the courts (although he wasn’t married, just a dick).

The other day, I went into my wardrobe and found some of his clothes hanging up, along with a bag full of toiletries.
When I asked him why his clothes were in my wardrobe, he answered, 'Just in case.'

Bag them up and give them back to him.

Well you’re in it now so what next?

im reading your posts and you seem incredibly passive. Is that fair?

This man is being controlling… you have no boundaries whatsoever and for the sake of your child you need to out some in place quickly

People have been trying to help you, and to help your son op. You’re being very rude to them. Parenting is a responsibility and should be in the child’s best interest. Every time you let him walk into your home you’re acting to your child’s cost, because he does not benefit from having this controlling man in his life. We are not saying this because we are bitter or ‘unattractive’, we have husbands who aren’t cheating and who are great dads who put their children and us first and we have children who we put first all the time. You have neither, and refuse to put your child first and lock this man out. You’ve made up some rubbish about he deserves to see his child to justify your being a doormat. You’ve lied to yourself that he’s a family man, and that he loves his children or anything but himself and being in control. If he really wants to see his child, he can prove that by going to court for access because you’ve locked him out. You would not be taking him to court, you would be being taken to court. You would be being a good mum.

^This 💯. Why would you suppose that the only reason we’re saying these things is because we’re bitter?

Isn't he in prison?

She resurrected the thread after people stopped commenting, purely for attention/rage bait. It's a running theme 😂

This isn't about him and his wants.

This is about your DC.

If you are happy for him to have 4 hours visits and your DC is happy to be away from you for 4 hours that is fine. But this should not be in YOUR company.

You need to take control..if he wants to see DC he needs to focus on that. And make arrangements to see DC

He should not be in your home, there is no need. He has made this mess and now you all need to navigate it.

Think ahead, 5 years down the line, you've met someone else, your DC is old enough to understand more. Do you want to be living how you are now? Having DC turn up and intrude on your life in this way? No.

It's time to focus on what you want and what is best for DC. This man in YOUR life isn't it. You are happy for him to facilitate a relative with your DC. That needs to be his focus not you.

Strat some boundaries. See how much he wants and cares for your child.

I know you are, but what am I? 😜😜😜

He showed up late last night after 11, and I told him he can't just arrive unannounced and that he needs to go home.

With that, I turned off the intercom and my phone. Shortly after, two of my neighbours came to my door to tell me that he had rung their doorbells, telling them he is my son's father and accusing me of not letting him in, and that he just wants to see his child.

I told them that he isn’t well and just to ignore him, they ask if I wanted them to call the police, I told them not to, but an hour later they turned up.

I know my neighbours were just trying to look out for me. But I am very pissed off with them. I have tried to call my sons father but he has blocked my number.

At least your neighbours have some common sense

You shouldn't be pissed off with your neighbours. They did you a favour.

You shouldn't have tried to call him either. He is an ex and needs to stay an ex.

Seriously. You need to stop playing his games.

Everytime you give in he wins. He gets you back where he wants you.

Everytime you look like you might finally break free of him you let him reel you back in.

It’s not healthy for you or your son. If he wants to see baby meet at a cafe or soft play. Don’t let him in your flat. You have an abusive ex and an abusive controlling baby daddy.

Though I think deep down you like the fact he wants to be near you so bad. But it’s not because he loves you, it’s because he likes to control you. Like he controls his wife and his children. Wanting the baby to use a certain baby wash isn’t because he wants to spend time with you or your son it’s to control. Sleeping in you bed control and dominance showing he can and will do what he wants.

Like a dog pissing on a lamppost.

Get help for you and your son. Visits only in public.

He is not an ex, he is simply my son's father. We have never been in a relationship.