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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

712 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
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lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 19:30

CodeAmber · 11/05/2026 18:35

I did ask, before and you were either lying then or now as this directly contradicts what you said earlier though, which means no one can trust what your saying is the truth, or even close to it!

you seem strangely proud of having an affair (and a child) with a complete rat of a man. Zero integrity, zero pride, zero empathy for his wife. Your backpedaling now reeks of attention seeking, as people had stopped responding to your ignorant, offensive, and downright classless responses to women on this thread….

I didn’t lie

I don’t need Universal Credit or housing benefit permanently, it’s only temporary.

He is probably with his wife and children now, they are a family, and I have no reason to feel sorry for anything except my son.

OP posts:
CodeAmber · 11/05/2026 20:52

This reply has been deleted

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LizzieW1969 · 11/05/2026 21:10

Why are you all so keen to keep on accusing the OP of lying? Why not just hide the thread? If you think it's all for attention, why give her that attention?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 21:20

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Didn't I mention my dad was gonna help me? I might not qualify, but he does, and I've got the money to cover the repayments.

You’re full of bullshit, thinking you know everything about me.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 21:23

LizzieW1969 · 11/05/2026 21:10

Why are you all so keen to keep on accusing the OP of lying? Why not just hide the thread? If you think it's all for attention, why give her that attention?

Thank you so much, I have not once lied. I have no reason to sit and lie to strangers, I don’t know any of you and nothing will ever identify me.

When I start being rude to people who think it's okay to disrespect me, they get all upset.

Hiding behind a screen to disrespect strangers is just cowardly, and it clearly makes them feel better about themselves.

OP posts:
ItTook9Years · 11/05/2026 22:40

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 21:20

Didn't I mention my dad was gonna help me? I might not qualify, but he does, and I've got the money to cover the repayments.

You’re full of bullshit, thinking you know everything about me.

Well, he can’t get a mortgage on your behalf without becoming a landlord and you won’t get one without secure employment, so……..

CodeAmber · 11/05/2026 23:02

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 21:20

Didn't I mention my dad was gonna help me? I might not qualify, but he does, and I've got the money to cover the repayments.

You’re full of bullshit, thinking you know everything about me.

You basically accused anyone who questioned your morality of being married to men with “porn addictions” and “having ugly kids”. I’m not the bullshitter here….

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 23:06

ItTook9Years · 11/05/2026 22:40

Well, he can’t get a mortgage on your behalf without becoming a landlord and you won’t get one without secure employment, so……..

Why are you so bothered about my next step in life?

My dad can get a mortgage, worry about yourself and your children.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 23:11

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ItTook9Years · 11/05/2026 23:13

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 11/05/2026 23:06

Why are you so bothered about my next step in life?

My dad can get a mortgage, worry about yourself and your children.

I have no worries, sweetheart. I make good decisions.

LizzieW1969 · 11/05/2026 23:14

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It's really nasty to talk about ‘ugly kids’, why would you even bring that up???

ItTook9Years · 11/05/2026 23:17

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Reasons like enabling a man to cheat on his wife and young children, having a secret baby and mutilating his genitals? Or continuing to sleep with said man and prioritising him over a tiny child’s wellbeing? Telling a jailbird ex that you had to be moved away from for your own safety that you have a a baby making him a potential target?

If not these reasons, then what reasons?

Swiftie1878 · 12/05/2026 07:27

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No, you just shag their husbands ‘because you like it’ and bring a child into the whole mess too. You’re a much superior being!

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 12/05/2026 08:41

Swiftie1878 · 12/05/2026 07:27

No, you just shag their husbands ‘because you like it’ and bring a child into the whole mess too. You’re a much superior being!

It is what it is.

OP posts:
SisterThorn · 13/05/2026 15:37

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 12/05/2026 08:41

It is what it is.

And what does that mean?

You are the only person who can change the situation

You're basically tefloning the whole situation as if you are passive bystander observing. Well you're not.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/05/2026 14:10

I'm not expecting anyone to reply, I simply need to get this off my chest.

I'm back at my place after staying at my mum's for a few days. I want it to be just my son and me, and I'm really glad I didn't go through with giving up my tenancy.

My son's father has stepped back a bit, meaning he no longer shows up unannounced. I believe it's because everything is going well at his home. Even though he is still attempting to control everything.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 19/05/2026 14:13

He can't control you if you don't allow it.

ItTook9Years · 19/05/2026 16:10

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 10/05/2026 18:55

You probably don't want to hear from me, but I feel the need to apologise for the distasteful things I said.

Sorry 🙁

A lot has happened since I last posted here, my son's father said he no longer wants anything to do with me because I stood my ground.

So now it’s just me and my son.

Didn’t take long.

ItTook9Years · 19/05/2026 16:11

Just fucking block him and let him take you to court for access to your son. It’s really quite simple.

You won’t, because you live for this.

BudgetBuster · 19/05/2026 19:40

RampantIvy · 19/05/2026 14:13

He can't control you if you don't allow it.

But she wants him to control her... hence why she pops up every few days with a new silly sob story

CodeAmber · 19/05/2026 20:38

BudgetBuster · 19/05/2026 19:40

But she wants him to control her... hence why she pops up every few days with a new silly sob story

Exactly. It’s just pure attention-seeking. I still can’t believe there’s women out there as ignorant and deluded as this OP but there you go….

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/05/2026 20:39

ItTook9Years · 19/05/2026 16:11

Just fucking block him and let him take you to court for access to your son. It’s really quite simple.

You won’t, because you live for this.

What reason would I have to take him to court?

I will never understand why you would even suggest that. He can see his child anytime he wants, my issue is with him coming unannounced, staying beyond his welcome, and trying to control me.

Are you with your partner or husband? You come across as quite bitter.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 19/05/2026 20:56

He can see his child anytime he wants,

By doing it this way you are allowing him to control the narrative. You need to take back control and make the contact rules yourself.

TheBossOfMe · 19/05/2026 21:10

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately I mean this kindly. Do you have learning difficulties? Because you seem to really not quite understand what people are saying to you about court, alongside many other things. It's not about you taking him to court. It's about you putting healthy boundaries in place for your child so that they have routine and certainty about what family life looks like for them. That isn't his father turning up randomly and whenever he wants - that's a recipe for disaster. That means his father should apply to court for a proper contact schedule if he wants one. Which he won't do because he has a whole other family. As long as he can turn up whenever he wants, he has control over you and your child. Do you understand what I'm saying? Or is there someone else who can help advocate for you and your child if you're not able to do that for reasons such as learning difficulties?

Also attacking posters who are trying to help you really isn't on. People who aren't with their partners or husbands aren't automatically bitter - almost the opposite of they are in control of their own lives. You seem to view being in a relationship as being the ideal. Sometimes it isn't.

BlueMum16 · 19/05/2026 21:25

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/05/2026 20:39

What reason would I have to take him to court?

I will never understand why you would even suggest that. He can see his child anytime he wants, my issue is with him coming unannounced, staying beyond his welcome, and trying to control me.

Are you with your partner or husband? You come across as quite bitter.

You need to agree set times and dates.

So tue 4-5 after work, Friday 4-5 and Sunday 10-12, just as example.
He needs to take DC and not expect time with you.

You trust this guy. He has a relationship with your DC. Allow him to spend time together but not impact your life or routine.

Eventually build up the time away from you.

Will you eventually allow full days and then overnights if he wants them?