To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

“My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.”

I’m not surprised, if you all live in the same house - and I’m astonished you should think this is OK. Your elder daughter is surely going to grow up resenting her younger sister.

It's really not clear what has happened from what you've posted?

Why do your stepdaughter and shared daughter have many advantages over your own eldest daughter?

Sorry, it's not really clear in the post.

Are you saying you and your DH are separating because the younger 2 are doing an extra curricular paid for by your DHs parents?

I feel sorry for your eldest . It should have all been equal.

I’m sorry OP- my son has a daughter by a previous relationship and a son with current relationship- his current partner treats her step daughter who they have every weekend identically to their son as do her lovely parents and so should your H and his family - if he doesn’t and they don’t either then I would be very upset too and see why your daughter is -

OriginalSkang

I don’t know what happened but I have had enough. It’s a straw that broke the camel’s back scenario. I can’t have one child doing stuff, meeting other kids as a result, being invited to things when the other child does just one afterschool club.

I have just had enough.

My stepdaughter doesn’t live with us.

My MiL is actively getting rid of money but husband isn’t getting any just his sisters.

J have to protect my peace.

Sadly the realities of many blended families.
I can see both sides, it's just very sad.

So your MIL pays for things for your youngest? It's not unreasonable that she doesn't pay for your eldest.

You and your DH need to fork up the money, or tell MIL "Thanks but no thanks, we can't afford it".

I'm struggling to see why you'd end a marriage over this?

My MiL started to pay for a hobby during Easter, a hobby my eldest would love. It’s a hobby that my husband’s sisters had and in which a niece excels. This hobby is now continuing and MiL is paying.

My husband treats my daughter the same as our youngest but MiL doesn’t and he feels he has his hands tied.

I don’t know really what’s happened other than your DD is not having the same treatment that her sister and step sister get and this is down to the grandparents (your ILs)

this is sad. I have grandchildren with no experience of step grandchildren but children are children, it’s cruel to treat them differently.

My brother in law (husbands brother) met a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. They’ve now been married must be 25 years and went onto to have 3 more kids of their own. We treated her DD as we would any other child in the family. My mil and fil were doting grandparents, that included that little girl too, as far as I’m aware. I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure if my ILs would have paid for extra curriculur activities etc as she was very much doted on by her paternal side of the family, so that would have been taken care of anyway I think…but certainly she had the same presents, money gifted, pocket money, days out etc as all the other grandchildren.

are you sure you’re marriage is over? Has this just been written in the moment of what’s going on? Would the grandparents be devasted to think the marriage is splitting up over it? You absolutely should and need to put your DD first but is there anyway to sort this out? Would it be better to say no to all the kids and tell mil to keep her money rather than split up over it?

But why do YOU allow your youngest to attend given you can't afford for yiur other daughter to attend?

You are their parent... you get to decide.
You need to stand up and say "Thanks for the offer but we need to let it pass as we can't afford the same form Daughter 1"

Exactly this.

MIL doesn’t get to dictate what happens.

So Granny is paying for your youngest and her step sister to do pony club and your older daughter would also like to do pony club and you can't afford it so she feels left out? In that case your either pay for oldest to also join in or neither of your two does pony club surely? You can't decide what is done for step kid.

I'm guessing her husband is too much of a wet weekend to put his foot down and make that call to say no to the funding for the hobby hence "his hands are tied".
While there's no obligation on the MIL, that's a horrible way to treat a child, both of them in fact as they'll grow up with a lot of resentment poisoning their relationship and that of their parents. Which anyone with some self awareness would know.

What is splitting up going to gain?
Ex MIL is still going to be paying for hobby, SD and younger daughter will still be doing hobby (50:50 custody, he will have a say in her hobbies). You will still be in a situation where one child has an involved father and paternal family and all the benefits that this entails and another daughter that doesn’t, plus you lose time with your younger daughter who now has to deal with living between two households.

I’m not saying it’s fair or right, but I am saying that surely there’s another way as splitting up isn’t going to magically fix these things.

I’m sorry OP but I don’t see how divorce will change things? MIL will still continue to fund DSD who doesn’t live with you and DD3 who does so your DD will still feel excluded, possibly even more so 🙁

Am I correct that MIL doesn't pay for something that your oldest daughter we would like to attend, they are not related and oldest daughter can't understand and is upset? The answer is that you pay and explain that MIL is not her grandmother?

And neither do I understand the divorce thing? 😕

I think this is the reality of many blended families.

It’s not up to your IL’s to ‘even things up’ for your daughter who is not their granddaughter. That’s yours and your DH’s job.

Anyway it sounds like your DH has taken the decision out of your hands anyway.

It could be better this way, at least your youngest won’t have to miss out on the things her grandparents want to give her, but it won’t be so much in your eldest child’s face as she’ll be doing all that stuff in her 50% time with her dad.

I'm sure the OPs frustration here is geared towards her husband, who she is now divorcing. He could have handled this better, but I guess he wants his daughter to enjoy his family's money too.

That's fine. Divorce seems reasonable in that case.

Your husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, you have a daughter from a previous relationship and a joint daughter. Your in-laws are paying for extra activities for your step-daughter and your youngest daughter but not your eldest daughter. In an ideal world your in-laws would treat your eldest daughter in the same way as their biological granddaughters. Unfortunately, they aren't obliged to do so, and clearly don't want too.

Can you afford to pay for extra activities for your eldest daughter, so she can join in? Would your husband help you financially, to include your daughter, if you can't afford it? It's not your daughter's fault she has no contact with her Dad or his family, but equally it's not your in-laws fault either; it's simply shitty circumstances.

If it's impossible for your eldest to be given the same opportunities as your younger daughter, because finances won't stretch, then your husband stops his Mum from funding your step-daughter and youngest. Your MIL isn't your step-daughter/younger daughter's parents... it's not her choice or decision to make.

What does your husband think should happen? I'm assuming that he's perfectly happy for his Mum to pay for extra activities and leave your daughter out????

Your MIL refusing to pay for step grandchild is awful, you either pay for all or none at all!
Your H is fed up of his mum causing division and rejecting a child that is part of the package he took on when he married you? Or is he fed up of his mum deliberately stirring shit in his Marriage by not accepting his step daughter as family?
If he is not telling his mum that he has three daughters who need to be treated equally or none at all then good riddance!

So what do you want to happen in respect of the 3 girls?

How would that help? Then you'd get the younger child resenting her older sister instead of the other way around.

I bet if it was the OPs parents paying for something and her stepdaughter missing out then no one would be seeing a problem.

What about the current thread with the husband asking if his biological son might live with them full time. Wife says a resounding no. Or the numerous other threads where the wife asks if it is ok for her parents to treat her children by her husband differently to his children by his first marriage. A resounding agreement yes of course from other posters.
There seems to be a huge difference in attitude when the wife's own children are involved. Even if they are not biologically related to the in laws.