Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

Why are you still with him?!

Sulking because he cant have sex? Jesus christ. Go tell him his teenage boy attitude has made your vagina drier than the Sahara and the rain will only make a return if he stops this utterly bizarre behaviour and starts acting like the 42 year old that he actually is

Disgusting man.

The immediately turning things sexual was a test for your boundaries. And to see if you were hook up material Then on to the me, me, me stuff, you pull away and then suddenly he changes his tune again back to Mr Nice Guy. Not a green flag by any means.

A few possible reasons this has amped up now could be he's now become a bit bored.
As I mentioned before, he's feeling intimidated by you, and is overplaying his 'needs'
He is the "man of the house"
He's watching porn
He's had or having an affair. You would think then that they would go off sex with you, but often it goes this way.
Mid life crisis looming.

Many other things really, but the point of this is.... None of these are caused by you. But he is making his issues your issues.

Of course everyone is saying that wouldn't stand for it, he is just treating you as a sex object which I agree with.

If you really want to continue this relationship though, you are going to have to put a stop to this. This is no doubt going to be turned back on you, and sulks will be on the order of the day. Have a think whether that is really worth it.

(I hasn't seen your post before posting mine)

So here is the sulk.
Now it's your problem to remedy. And his solution to that ? More attention from you.

Is this not just so draining OP?
Can you really keep doing this for the rest of your adult years.

If I were you I would take my child out for the night and leave him to it. Don't fall into the pattern he is expecting.

He has come in from work, barely said two words as he is in a mood. Probably because just before I wrote this post I hung up on him as he was drivelling on about how he ‘just needs to cum when he wants to’ and ‘what’s wrong with that?’
so now it will be misery guts all evening

This is emotional abuse.

Does he claim to have absolutely no idea that the way he's behaving is abnormal?

Your early talks are quite revealing Op, he has a perfectly normal life but feels sorry for himself, he wants sex to compensate. I'm afraid it was a red flag you missed

Oh yeuch.

He must have some good qualities but what on earth are they?

I think maybe head out to the movies tonight.

He certainly knows how to turn a woman off. Men who tie their self esteem to their sex life are pitiful. Not someone I’d enjoy sleeping with.

This is abusive. No one in a normal partnership has had this said to them. What are you going to do next?

I don’t find AI intelligent or pithy.

sounds Very Andrew Tate to me, you must do as I say and be available at any time I say for whatever I want and sod you and your wants
have you checked his internet history?

A man in their late 30s who's never managed a relationship over 4 years is a walking red flag on its own.

Just reading about the whining is nauseating. You're clearly an accomplished, independent woman so you can't be desperate enough for this surely?

I agree with other posters who said his behaviour is a red flag. I think it can be seen as sexually controlling in the sense that it may lead to sexual coercion.

His mood and emotional approach towards you is dictated by how much you are having sex with him and not just that, but also it must be in the way HE wants. In addition, he is continually changing and moving the goal posts as to how much is the right amount/frequency and what kind of sexual contact and intimacy is the right kind to make him happy.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to make someone like this happy. The coercion also exists because he has centred HIMSELF rather than treating your sexual needs and desire equally.

He is having sex as a means of control. This risks you becoming an object to him rather than a person who has their own boundaries and sexual desires. For example, if you don't do what he wants then you will have to suffer him in a bad mood or whinging and whining. Some abusive people will use the silent treatment to reinforce this. So this is how sex can become a means of control and it can exist on its own as a form of abuse.

When the pressure from your intimate partner is so great that you find yourself agreeing to do things you do not want to do or at times you would otherwise not be consenting this is a major problem. How is it sexually satisfying for him to know that he is having sex with someone who is not also enthusiastically consenting?

Are you me? I could have written this. Ours has become less regular but this has been due to stress, relationship changes, illness etc. but is still at very worst 1x per week which I don’t think is worthy of this reaction.

it’s driving me mad! And completely turning me off. Also has me considering ending the relationship.

Well we must agree to differ 🫣😁

and I spelt idiosyncrasies wrong, so clearly have no leg to stand on!

I never comment on threads like this but yuk. He sounded insufferable and would seriously give me the ick.

LTB

Read properly through this thread and honestly it’s like a double of my current situation. If my DP wasn’t home so much I would have thought we were dating the same guy!

I am also main breadwinner, no kids together etc.

I am losing my mind over this and he doesn’t seem to get it at all!

he ‘just needs to cum when he wants to’ and ‘what’s wrong with that?’

Then fucking wank, you fucking idiot!

He sounds like the Walking Ick. Ewww.

I hope that you are also taking in what is being said in the responses to OP.

Jesus christ. You’ve got more patience than me as this would long be over. Does he value anything about you other than seeing you as a sexual object? He is acting like a teenager when he’s a middle aged man, with zero respect for women who may have other things to do than be dressed up or poised ready for his return. Fair enough if a mutual thing, but he just wants you as his sex doll.

This would bore me senseless and I would laugh my fucking head off at him down the phone.
The ick would be seen from the Moon.
He sounds so pathetic and unintelligent, I would lose every last bit of respect for him.
I’d actually be embarrassed to have a partner who sounds like a sexually stunted teenage boy, or one of those men who leave reviews online for prostitutes. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

What on earth are we going to do???

Agree with Gottabestrong it's not really about sexual desire, it's about control. He wants to get his own way - everyday. That's what makes it toddler-like and so unattractive.