Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

My other half is lucky to get home to find I’ve changed out of pyjamas and into clean joggers!
Dressed up though. Absolutely not.

Tbh, this is getting on for his longest relationship ever.

And I bet you're suddenly realising why.

Everyone else has given you really good advice but I just wanted to add that as a bollock owner, the "My balls hurt if I've not had sex" isn't a thing. It'd be a massive fucking design flaw if it was!

Every time I've heard some idiot say this down the pub "Aw my balls are killing me cause my missus isn't putting out", I laugh at them until they admit "It's just a metaphor innit". No, it's not. Its something you say in a pathetic attempt to make your girlfriend feel sorry for you so she has sex with you.

He's pathetic @Tulipsanddandelions , and he doesn't see you as a person, just as a tool to fulfil his pathetic desires.

What on earth makes you think that is AI?!

it had been about 8 days and he was milking it a bit

OP I really wish you hadn't written that. The images in my head are hard to erase 🤮

I was in a relationship with a bloke like this, it got very boring after a while. Everything, absolutely everything became eventually sexual. So for instance how was your day, oh a really boring day, well when you get home we can have sex, then you won't be bored. I dumped after he told me, whilst I was in the throws of a migraine, that scientific study indicated that the most effective cure for migraine was, yep, sex. The rather ironic thing was he actually wasn't that good in bed. I composed many a complex Sainsbury's shopping list whilst in his bed.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

I would walk away from this man.

Just because you’re not scared of him doesn’t mean he isn’t being abusive. The pressure, the guilt tripping and constant sexual demeaning talk has already crossed the line into coercion and manipulation.

Abuse always escalates. My ex seriously assaulted me while I was asleep amongst other things. Don’t be fooled by the victim mentality. In my experience it is the hallmark of a serious abuser.

I can tell by the style. The short, over-dramatic, grandstanding sentences, using one sentence per paragraph, the rhetorical question (‘But if they’re male…?’) which you then answer yourself in an insufferable all-knowing tone… all very typical of AI.

Heavens Op, he's sex obsessed. He has a really unrealistic view of a normal sex life, if he has a DD I can't imagine what a pest he was to his Ex post childbirth.
Is he like this when his DD or yours is about or is it just every waking hour when you're alone?

He is not like this in front of the kids at all. It’s mostly when we are both at work. Or home alone. But if we are busy at work or with kids then that evening it will be all the moping about ‘hate being so busy as it means we can’t have sex, we need to make up for this lost time’ 🙄

I disagree (and work as an editor, so am pretty familiar with the idiosyncracies of AI!). Some people just have intelligent and pithy ways of posting.

Never ceases to amaze that some people are so fearful of being on their own that they'll put up with this sort of thing for any length of time, or hold up other characteristics in mitigation.

'He's a lecherous, sex obsessed bore with the emotional intelligence and approach of a horny teenager...but he's good at helping around the house'.

Goodness gracious me, what are you doing with this man? End it - run and don't look back.

I agree.
You couldn't have healthy self esteem and think the likes of him at 40 is all you deserve.

Men with this type of attitude do not live in the real world.

I do like to think I have a moderate to high drive. However, when you combine corporate 9-5, parenting, dog walks, household chores etc, sometimes I just can't be assed. Luckily my DP is the exact same.

I used to have an ex-H like this, and we eventually split. He would immediately think if we didnt have sex that night, that I was cheating or not attracted to him, pulled a lot of whining etc to try and make me feel bad so I would give in. At the end of the day, thats abuse.

I wouldnt put up with this crap anymore, and neither should you.

If he wants sex every day he should be making a conscious, serious effort to actually seduce you and make you feel good rather than making back handed comments like a teenage boy!

How did you meet OP?

And did he turn things sexual right away once you starting speaking?

I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

The entitlement to use of your body and objectification of you is off the charts there. That's extreme misogyny and frankly, a rapist mindset in a nutshell.

It's all about him. He doesn't recognize that you're a human being with body autonomy and can say no to him. You're a hole available any time he wants.

I'd break up simply because that mindset is not going to be present in a healthy and mutual relationship.

It's no surprise he's become sexually coercive and gaslighting. Is he on red pill forums?

Well it sounds like he understands there's lots more to life Op but he thinks any hour not spent on sex is an hour wasted. It's not surprising his relationships only last three years, by then he's worn out any woman's patience.
Either go to sex therapy or leave him Op, he can't see he's obsessed and I can't see him getting any better

met online dating and yes initially!

then the sex talked dried up a bit a lot to how awful his life had been, I then backed off quite a bit and he came back with more normal convo and it went from there

Sounds awful.

Perhaps he's been sucked into the manosphere by watching Andrew Tate et al. He seems to want you as a sex object with no interest in your needs.

Run like the wind !
he sounds awful.
he wants a sex doll. Or a wh*re.
not a real human partner with feelings

Hang on, you are a busy working mum with a stressful job and you still have sex 3-4 times a week and sometimes dress up for him?

He should count himself bloody lucky!

His behaviour is absolutely not normal.

He is objectifying you, disrespecting you and manipulating you to have sex you do not want to have.

He is wrapping it up in 'because I fancy you so much!' but that doesn't change what he is doing.

Leave the relationship, he is a dick.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

Is this sort of talk about your relationship new for him? Does he often talk about your relationship in such a manner? It doesn't sound manosphere but it does sound like he's found some new vision of your relationship through youtube videos or a new self help book maybe.

Either way its a huge bloody ick and I don't see it improving. I do think that this is him setting you up in his mind as unsafe and not meeting his needs, opening the door to find someone safe and ready to service him 24 hours a day.

He sounds truly, truly awful. Where on earth is he getting these ideas from? I can hardly believe men like this existed.

OP how can you bear to be around him??

Yeah I mean I have said that to him. And his response is ‘yeah it’s so good that I want more of it’

cant win

He has come in from work, barely said two words as he is in a mood. Probably because just before I wrote this post I hung up on him as he was drivelling on about how he ‘just needs to cum when he wants to’ and ‘what’s wrong with that?’

so now it will be misery guts all evening