Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

Dressed as a sex prop for him coming home from work.
Nah ,Nah matey🙋

My husband is the same, after 26 years it's fucking annoying. On occasion I've threatened him with divorce over it

This is so vile and such a turn off. I don’t know how you fancy him at all. Nothing wrong with a healthy frequent sex life if that floats your boat but all of his messaging and whining would have me out the door immediately.

if you really love him then maybe go for therapy but he needs a massive reality check.

I'd have to really lose my shit at him. Something along the lines of:

Well go and bloody cum then. I am not a fucking prostitute or sex doll, here to service your every need! You've turned into a sex pest, it's really unattractive and honestly, I no longer fancy you because of it. I'm sick of hearing about your fucking balls.

I have needs too and a major one is the need to not be coerced into sex every five fucking minutes. Its honestly starting to feel a bit rapey now, you dont seem to give a fuck that I don't want to, it's all about you.

One more demand or sulk about sex, you will find yourself divorced. It's a massive turn off, I feel like I'm married to a teenager.

A guy I dated a while back was mid 40s ended up going on all fours on his bed with his rather ample bum sticking up moaning about “blue balls” for half an hour when I didn’t sleep with him. I was sat in the living room but he had the bedroom door open so I could still see him .

It was all so unattractive. I chose to never see him again.

Those were the first red flags Op - the sex talk and then the manipulative self pity.

I’ve come across those men who immediately want to trauma dump on a woman too.

He obviously adjusted his approach since he could see you were backing off.

But it sounds like he is still feeling very sorry for himself and thinks he’s entitled to a constant flow of sex to make up for his oh so terrible life.

A change in sex habit/desire can be a sign of an affair. Any evidence OP?

Fucking hell that is hilarious and grim in equal measure

No, none. But I do have my wits about me with his. Tbh my first thought was that he is making up some narrative to justify cheating later down the line and Iv told him that straight so if he thinks that will work he is wrong

Seeing this now. I am not unsympathetic but have always been a ‘make your own luck’ kinda person and that has rubbed off on him a bit (sorry for the pun).

He's coercing you into it.

All this talk of self esteem is bullshit. That's a tool to guilt you into sex you don't want. OP, sex you don't want is sex you haven't consented to......

He's badgering endlessly and no, nothing will ever be enough. It's not about him getting enough. No man's balls ever exploded because he went 72 hours without a shag. It's about control and making you have non consensual sex.

Giving in to pressure is not consent.
Giving in to avoid consequences is not consent.
Giving in because saying no will cause a problem is not consent.

Sex you have not consented to is rape.

I had one of these and it's chilling to read the same 'script' being rolled out here. It destroyed me. I've been alone ever since. I don't date because I can't.

He is knowingly pushing you for sex he knows you don't want. Any rejection will always be countered with

'you don't fancy him anymore'
'you never want sex anymore'
'if you loved him you'd want as much sex as he does etc

You will always be the problem. Don't let him continue with this. I'd leave today and never look back but that's with the benefit of hindsight. It took me a long time to understand and then accept what had happened to me in that relationship.

It’s the constant insinuation that I have not met his sexual needs that I’m most pissed off about.

Well that’s good he finds satisfaction in his job but still yeah probably you having a higher paid job you’re also focused on plays into him feeling a bit sidelined because he’s so self-centered with low self-esteem and wants you to be completely obsessed like a teenager just to make himself feel better. From your updates it sounds like he’s generally quite manipulative and goes through life painting himself as a victim.

He clearly expects women to constantly pacify him and make him feel better which would explain the past cheating.

I remember when I did online dating there was a couple of 40+ men I met who said they were looking for the kind of love they had in their teenage years 🚩🚩 I made an immediate exit when they said that.

Because men like that will never mature or understand a deeper kind of love . This man sounds like he has that mentality.

Well, your options are leave or put up with it and judging by your responses so far I'd put money on the latter.
He won't change and you're going to waste your life with someone who loves wallowing in self pity, moaning about his balls and sulking, what a lovely future!

What do you do?

You find some self respect and dump this whiney sex pest.

He sounds utterly awful from the very beginning and you still think he is some prize?

So sad.

WTF? Good decision ditching blue balls.

Bin both of them and you and Sxchat go live together harmoniously.

Part of me thinks (especially since reading the replies) that some of this is a form of control. Because sometimes he will suggest sex at a time he knows I will say no to, for example if we have been off together all day and then I’m getting ready to go out for an appointment he will suggest it 10 minutes before he knows I have to leave.

I have called him out on that but he is very good with all the excuses about ‘well we wanted to have breakfast earlier and then we had to XYZ which is why I’m suggesting now’

Equally, if he has anything to do or has to get up, that is absolutely ok.

I also hate that he minimises our sex life. ‘Yeah but it was only sex three times because that’s what you enjoy, what about the things I enjoy too’ or ‘I know you gave me a BJ but I also kinda was hoping you would do it standing on your head’ (last bit a joke, but you see where I’m coming from)

It’s all very confusing at this stage. And as I say, a bit out of the blue last 6 months.

last year we both knuckled down with work to be able to upgrade our cars and pay for a holiday which we did, and during that time we still maintained a very good sex life but maybe wasn’t the swinging from the chandler stuff, ever since he has complained that things have ‘gone down hill’ even if I highlight ‘what about last Wednesday when I did XYZ’ he will reply ‘yeah exactly, last Wednesday, what about this week’

I can see the advice is to leave, tbh I am thinking along those lines, seems a shame because otherwise we get on great and no other issues aside from this

I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

No problem with asking for sex, changing things up, can we try this etc but expectation and demanding is different - that is ignoring the need for consent. Show him the 'cup of tea' cartoon which explains all this and once the need for consent is understood (as it is key to further discussion) then a more sensible discussion can be had.

It might just be a mid life crisis he is having at best but I reading Gisele Pelicot's book which just takes this situation you are in to the extreme.

I’d cut my losses and bin him off.

A relationship doesn’t have to be completely and unbearably awful in all respects for you to finish it.

Sounds like he needs to knuckle down with work again, often it’s bored aimless men who act like this. He needs to be more busy.

But really that would be a sticking plaster on the real issue which is the fact this is who he is. He’s revealing himself to you and revealing why none of his other relationships worked long term.

If you don’t want to leave immediately maybe get him distracted by work again, but I’d say my advice is you need to make a plan to leave..

I can’t see how he’s going to change. He’s keeping score and that’s not how things work.
You don’t have to provide a sex menu for him.
God help him if you were off your feet, or needed a gynae procedure. How would he cope then?
He clearly has no idea how the female mind works if he did he’d know what he’s doing is absolutely revolting.

Well, there are two ways to fix this!

(1) Invest all your spare cash into buying more and more entrancing outfits to dress in for his triumphant arrival home, and spend all your spare time shagging him

(2) Tell him to get tae fuck with his sex pest arseholery.

I know which I would choose!

He's setting you up to fail. He can still go on at you even when there's a perfectly good reason why you can't have sex. Same as when you are in bed when he leaves for work. Later on you get shit for the 'missed opportunity'.

One example where I was set up to fail. His teenage daughter was in her room and he tried to have sex in the living room. I said no obviously, as she could wander in at any time. He threw me off the couch on to the floor. No normal man would want sex in that situation and it's not unreasonable to say no but I still got punished.

It doesn't matter what you do, how you do it and how often it happens - it will never be enough.

The reason is because it's not about sex. No normal bloke would think sex three times a week is a sexless relationship. That's bullshit. You know it. We know it and he knows it. It's not about sex.

Mine started out just like yours is at the moment.

OP you probably didn't expect to hear concerns about consent and control. You aren't afraid of him so it doesn't look like abuse. In some ways that's even more dangerous. I drifted into my situation feeling the same, until one day I noticed the prison he'd built around me.