AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

[oldFoolMe]

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

This is becoming the most repetitive conversation on here

Im 60 and have no grandchildren but have no intentions of caring for them when/if they arrive. I'd be happy to help out on an ad hoc basis but that's as far as it goes. I love my freedom and it's been a long time coming

YABU to start yet another thread about grandmother's helping.

Yes its a follow up i would like to know why without judgement.

What on earth is going on?

I think many grandparents, who feel like that, gave their perspectives on the multiple other threads about this.

Could you not be arsed to read the MANY reasons given on all the other threads?

Or did you think "Let’s be a goady fecker today"?

"Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery". Statistically children are far more likely to be abused by a relative. The cases in nursery are incredibly rare compared to the amount of children in nursery every day. There are safer than many homes because they know exactly which adults are providing care. So many instances where anyone could be in a house where a child is being 'looked after'.
my MIL does do a day childcare but we never asked or expected it. it's our choice to have a child, not hers.

And yet you used the word "avoid" in the title of your thread.

Why @oldFoolMe ?

The use of that word implies that to help with childcare is a grandparental obligation.

Many of us disagree that grandparents are somehow obliged to help their children with childcare.

Do you think it is an obligation, or should it be a choice?

Because they are fed up of doing childcare that is often dull, restrictive and exhausting? It’s not difficult to work out surely?

I’m genuinely interested, is it age? Generational? The need to work longer perhaps? Hence why i said if you could, maybe you can’t if you need to work and pay into a pension

There's no need for a follow up. Everything that can possibly be said on the subject has been said repeatedly on the other five threads.

I wonder if it is "This Morning" research or something.

Anyway my mum was a young gran .she was also a young mum, she worked full time and shifts when mine were young she would babysit occasionally and have them in emergency which was fine,

Op you seem shocked adults want lives of their own.

I'm pretty sure we could also dig up a lot of stories about children being abused by grandparents and other relatives if we wanted to, but thanks for that dig at parents who use paid childcare. I don't really consider my DCs lovely nursery teachers as "strangers".

Your mother didn't want to help with childcare and that was her right. You don't want to help with her care, which is also your right. No one is being unreasonable.

Surely you can see that your DF and DM had very different experiences of your own childhood? Although your DM went back to work, it also sounds like she did the lion's share at home if your DF was working and commuting long distances.

I also don't think childcare is the only way DC bond with DGP. Neither of my DCs GP do lots of regular childcare, but they are loving and close with them.

My MIL never helped with child care even if it was to look after my daughter so I could tend to my dying mom. She’s now fast becoming vulnerable and I know she’s going to need extra help and even though I never expected or even took offence to the lack of help at the time. It’s all bubbling up now as I know I’ll be expected to provide her care needs and I just don’t want it. It’s always been a give take relationship. She’s had the time to provide some ease in my life and chose not to do it & even if she did the martyrdom and expectation in return was just not worth it.

I would absolutely hate to be tied in to doing commercial type childcare. I’ve worked hard all my life and brought up my own kids now according to op if my dds have children I then have to start again looking after more kids?’ Christ no thanks.

Because I work full-time and have 2 elderly parents to look after (3 until MIL died recently).

Definitely a choice, no obligation my mother didn’t want to and I don’t begrudge her, the same as I’m not obligated to help her. I do what I can and what I have the capacity for

I am of "grandparent" age but have no grandchildren i don't think I would have the energy to look after a young child all day every day.

Well didn’t you read all the reasons on the other threads? Seems pretty clear to me.

Raising children is hard work. I spent XX years of my life raising my DC.
I also want to do something else with my life other than the relentless thankless tiring work of raising DC while working FT & being a single parent. Been there done that, it was great and now its time for me to do stuff I want to do (well I still have teens but life is heading that way).

There is more to life than raising kids. Its probably novel for your dad as he hasnt alreay spent XX years raising kids, so its a change for him, not moreof the same.

Pay for a childminder like other parents do.

I had my DC at 40. If DC were to follow suit, and I had my first GC at 80, I’d be knackered (if not dead - neither of my parents lived to 80)

Looking after young children is exhausting, and not everyone wants to spend their twilight years dealing with nappies and tantrums and constant nursery bugs right on the tail of 55 years’ full time work.

Isn't it though?

I wonder if it's the same person using different nicknames?

I live 190 miles awayfrom DD and have no intention of moving to the area where she lives. Luckily as DD and her DH have chosen not to have children, I shall never be judged by anyone for not being available at the drop of a hat for childcare.