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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to wonder if my son is trying to come out?

116 replies

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:08

We are a very masculine household with only boys in it who are heavily into football. My 16 year has always been a gentle soul/well spoken, into his clothes.
He’s obviously had to learn to be a bit physical with only brothers but it doesn’t come natural to him to be a ‘lad’
I’ve suspected since the start of secondary and from the occasional peek of his phone where he was looking at ‘pretty’ boys in front to mirror but he always denied it and got a bit cross with us when i tried to initiate the conversation about his sexuality.
Both his dad and I have made it clear that we would not care either way.
He hangs out with ‘lad’ lads, goes to football matches, party etc.
Had the odd girlfriend but it never turned into anything more than just hanging out.
Today he asked me if he can have a sleepover with a boy who he once met at a footie match who lives far away but wants to visit our city and he agreed to show him around.
I told him no as I do not know him but really feel it’s him trying to venture out finally.
I haven’t spoken to other half.
Even though he said he would not mind if his son was gay, I feel every time i try and show him proofs, he shrugs it off that i’m imagining things.
Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am 🙈
So I think he feels my ds is a bit like him and just a bit shy and late bloomer.
I want to encourage my ds to come if he really is gay but I don’t want it to become a huge issue where he doesn’t feel confident talking to me.
What do I do? Do I leave him alone?

OP posts:
JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 22:07

Vaguelyclassical · 15/04/2026 21:16

Did I miss the memo about gardening and sexuality? I believe straight men have been engaged in gardening since Adam! (Ever been to a stately home?) Can anybody refer me to the research that suggests that as soon as you do any weeding you start to desire other men? Are queer women allowed to garden, incidentally?

Yes but they have to be well spoken too.

SummerFate · 15/04/2026 23:51

ImaniMumsnet · 15/04/2026 21:58

Hi everyone,

Just poking our head round as we have receieved a number of reports and can see that things are getting heated on the thread so we'd love to encourage everyone to please review our talk guidelines and please adhere to them when posting. Remember, you can always a hide a thread if you'd rather not see it.

Yes, we could hide it - but sometimes you shouldn’t have to do that. You’re not normally this shy with the delete button.

StormyWeatherWarning · 16/04/2026 02:14

SummerFate · 15/04/2026 23:51

Yes, we could hide it - but sometimes you shouldn’t have to do that. You’re not normally this shy with the delete button.

They have been recently. Can’t think why. 🤔

Simonjt · 16/04/2026 06:03

ImaniMumsnet · 15/04/2026 21:58

Hi everyone,

Just poking our head round as we have receieved a number of reports and can see that things are getting heated on the thread so we'd love to encourage everyone to please review our talk guidelines and please adhere to them when posting. Remember, you can always a hide a thread if you'd rather not see it.

Why are you choosing not to follow the guidelines and delete the thread?

LydiaFunnyGums · 16/04/2026 07:43

You sound like a bloody nightmare. Leave him alone FFS. Do / did none of the other (masculine) males in your household have their mates sleep over? If the mate was female would she be allowed to sleepover?

InterestedDad37 · 16/04/2026 07:53

Vaguelyclassical · 15/04/2026 21:16

Did I miss the memo about gardening and sexuality? I believe straight men have been engaged in gardening since Adam! (Ever been to a stately home?) Can anybody refer me to the research that suggests that as soon as you do any weeding you start to desire other men? Are queer women allowed to garden, incidentally?

Are queer women allowed to garden, incidentally?

They're allowed to lady-garden 😉

HoppityBun · 16/04/2026 07:56

Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am.

!!

I mean…

HoppityBun · 16/04/2026 08:00

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 19:43

I would questions his dad’s sexuality

Why?

Floatlikeafeather2 · 16/04/2026 08:06

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 15/04/2026 17:15

You have a weird perception of what you feel gay men are like, and a very weird obsession about your sons sexuality.

You have stated you don't care, but it's very clear that you do care, too much.

Very much agree with this.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 16/04/2026 08:10

JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 17:28

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

😂😂😂

jackstini · 16/04/2026 08:11

Stop asking him stuff - he will tell you what he wants to when he wants to

Allow the sleepover. It’s good to have non-local friends (maybe more but who cares) and they have no doubt been in touch since that first meeting so not such strangers

Safer for them to be in your house than him just going off and meeting people elsewhere. He was open asking about it, let him host this friend

Tichter · 16/04/2026 08:17

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 15/04/2026 17:41

None of my kids are homophobic at all. It's hardly a LGBT paradise, just normal human decency tbh.

The fact you've normalised it as 'lads being lads' says it all.

⬆️ this.

DierdreDaphne · 16/04/2026 08:45

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 19:43

I would questions his dad’s sexuality

Because he has a vegetable garden? Are you serious?

Greenwitchart · 16/04/2026 09:27

Leave him alone!

The concept that hetero people always expect gay/bi to have to "come out" and make a big statement about it is so tedious.

As long as he feels loved and supported by his family, whatever is sexuality, that is all that matters.

And by the way not every gay man is into clothes and unable to play/enjoy sports. Again those are just stereotypes.

Pessismistic · 16/04/2026 23:07

Op you should never put pressure on someone to make them confess their sexuality it’s great you wouldn’t be bothered but if he is he’s not ready to share or he might not know for sure could be bisexual either way just let him be him. Also why is it that gay people have to come out but straight people don’t have to. It’s ridiculous you don’t meet people and say hi I’m patsy and straight but people expect gay people to say hi I’m paul and I’m gay. Ffs!

morbidcuriosity · 16/04/2026 23:58

Oh my, Leave him be.. If my parents tried to get that info out of me when I was younger I would of been mortified... let him live his life and he will tell you when he want to tell you..

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