AIBU to wonder if my son is trying to come out?

[Idontmindeitherway]

We are a very masculine household with only boys in it who are heavily into football. My 16 year has always been a gentle soul/well spoken, into his clothes.
He’s obviously had to learn to be a bit physical with only brothers but it doesn’t come natural to him to be a ‘lad’
I’ve suspected since the start of secondary and from the occasional peek of his phone where he was looking at ‘pretty’ boys in front to mirror but he always denied it and got a bit cross with us when i tried to initiate the conversation about his sexuality.
Both his dad and I have made it clear that we would not care either way.
He hangs out with ‘lad’ lads, goes to football matches, party etc.
Had the odd girlfriend but it never turned into anything more than just hanging out.
Today he asked me if he can have a sleepover with a boy who he once met at a footie match who lives far away but wants to visit our city and he agreed to show him around.
I told him no as I do not know him but really feel it’s him trying to venture out finally.
I haven’t spoken to other half.
Even though he said he would not mind if his son was gay, I feel every time i try and show him proofs, he shrugs it off that i’m imagining things.
Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am 🙈
So I think he feels my ds is a bit like him and just a bit shy and late bloomer.
I want to encourage my ds to come if he really is gay but I don’t want it to become a huge issue where he doesn’t feel confident talking to me.
What do I do? Do I leave him alone?

Unfortunately your attempts to be hip and understand are coming across as exactly the opposite
sounds you’ll be disappointed if he wasn’t gay
and yes let his friend stay

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay

As others have stated, it reads like you have an agenda. Just leave him alone

You can also be hyper "masculine" in the way you present yourself to the world and still prefer to sleep with men. OP, you are doing an awful lot of naive stereotyping here.

Personally I think you should just let this topic be he could be confused and not want to talk it about he’s only 16 he’s still a child, I think the way you’ve explained the sleepover makes it sound like you are not allowing the friend to sleep over as you think your son could be gay, but just someone someone is attracted the same gender doesn’t mean they automatically have to hang out with the opposite gender, I personally would allow the sleepover sounds like they are just mates, maybe not but that’s for him to decide no one else you just sound like you are coming on way to strong I think you try not think about this topic if he is gay he may tell you in the future when he feels more comfortable, it’s extremely extremely hard putting a label on yourself especially when you are confused

I hope you pick them up on using gay as an insult? I did that about 10 years ago and not had to do it since.

This thread is feeling weirdly familiar. There was a very similar one a few days ago about a potentially gay nephew which I swear read as if it had the same odd "agenda". I'm particularly suspicious of the faux outrage and the "my best friend is gay" trope.
Nah, not buying it, sorry.

The outdated stereotyping in the OP is out of control.. I assume he is acutely aware of these generalised feelings in the home, hence his reticence.

He will never be free to be himself around you all til you let him develop without comment or prejudice (even subconscious prejudice, and not malicious).

It doesn't actually matter at all if he is gay, straight, or whatever. Your knowledge of his status doesn't have to be precluded by some big pink glittery "reveal".. He can just...be. And all of you can just be normal around him.

actually the sleepover thing is out of the ordinary and that’s why i don’t necessarily feel comfortable with.
Why would someone at 16 would travel hundreds of miles to spend a weekend with another boy who they met once (if i believe that they met during a match rather than online)
It does not sounds something people would do. My son has plenty of local friends.
The only thing i can imagine happening is that he wanted to meet someone who does not live locally hence none of his local friends would ever find out about him.

Just tuning in to see when this goady old shit gets zapped.

It's what people who have an immediate attraction to each other do.

If your kids not using gay as an insult is your idea of exemplary parenting that is concerning.

They say a lot worse than that. You should hear…

You’re being mean not letting him have his friend round for a sleepover.

He sounds like a good kid and so I don’t know why he’s not allowed a new friend round.

The whole gay thing - your heart is in the right place but you’re being too OTT.
He might be gay, he might not.
I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

I know many ‘feminine’ men who are straight and many ‘masculine’ men who are gay.

I am a woman and hate gardening - I’m not sure what sexuality that makes me.

Yeah. Me too.

I would say yes to leaving him alone whilst he discovers his sexuality. Children really don’t want to discuss it with their parents, unless the teen initiates the convo. Thinking back to when you were a teen, did you discuss it with your parents? I would’ve curled up and died!

I wonder though if you’re acutely aware that the ‘banter’ at home isn’t something your DS is a part of due to his nature, rather than his sexuality?

As to the 16 yr old lad and the sleep over, is your DS in regular contact with him? Perhaps he doesn’t feel like a stranger to your DS but does to you. You’re either OK with an unknown to you teen staying over, or you’re not, irrespective of gender/sexual preference.

[For context one of my DC was exploring gender and sexuality and had different friends stay over at that age. But there was no banter on anything to do with LGBTQ at all at home, in fact other people’s sexuality really is nothing to do with me so it’s not really a topic of conversation 🤷‍♀️. ]

Thanks for your comment. This is probably the first sensible and helpful reply i’ve had.

You've basically answered YABU to your own thread here.

Your DS may have lots of local friends, however there was clearly a reason he wanted to invite this particular friend from out of town to stay, wouldn’t you have thought?

It also sounds like you want your DS to only have local friends; this is not something you can control. As a parent I would absolutely want to know who my DC was speaking to online, and would meet them and let them stay if from out of town.

Somehow I doubt the guy was planning to appear at midnight and leave at 5am; clearly there would be opportunities in the daytime for you to get to know the friend, and you would put safeguards in at night such as separate rooms etc.

Not really sure what you were looking for from this thread other than people who agree with your approach. Perhaps think about how you could do things differently to gain your DS’s trust. Given your disapproval your DS will probably meet up with this friend away from your area, without telling you next time.

Would definitely be an upmarket one based on how well spoken they are

I think you should do 2 things ....
Leave him be in terms of trying to discuss this with him
Let this lad sleepover. I do not see what the problem is. All friendships start somewhere. When mine were that age it was open house and we met some lovely young people. Better this lad should be in your home and you should meet him.

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time on here. It’s not helpful to you at all.

My advice would be, leave him be. You’ve made it known to him that it’s ok if he is gay.

If he is, he will tell you when he’s ready. Just relax.

Oh and ignore the aggression you’re receiving on here.
😊

My gay nephew runs a truck repair business, and grows exclusively veg in his garden just like his straight dad.

I would questions his dad’s sexuality

It does sound a bit intrusive from your perspective. I know some people know their sexuality definitively from a young age but loads of us don’t. Asking him out right was over the line and risks pushing him into secrecy. Some of your message makes it sound like you might be making it hard from him not to be gay, like he needs to justify not being into football and farting with a good excuse like his sexuality. Calm down and it’ll all work out in time.