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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU to wonder if my son is trying to come out?

116 replies

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:08

We are a very masculine household with only boys in it who are heavily into football. My 16 year has always been a gentle soul/well spoken, into his clothes.
He’s obviously had to learn to be a bit physical with only brothers but it doesn’t come natural to him to be a ‘lad’
I’ve suspected since the start of secondary and from the occasional peek of his phone where he was looking at ‘pretty’ boys in front to mirror but he always denied it and got a bit cross with us when i tried to initiate the conversation about his sexuality.
Both his dad and I have made it clear that we would not care either way.
He hangs out with ‘lad’ lads, goes to football matches, party etc.
Had the odd girlfriend but it never turned into anything more than just hanging out.
Today he asked me if he can have a sleepover with a boy who he once met at a footie match who lives far away but wants to visit our city and he agreed to show him around.
I told him no as I do not know him but really feel it’s him trying to venture out finally.
I haven’t spoken to other half.
Even though he said he would not mind if his son was gay, I feel every time i try and show him proofs, he shrugs it off that i’m imagining things.
Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am 🙈
So I think he feels my ds is a bit like him and just a bit shy and late bloomer.
I want to encourage my ds to come if he really is gay but I don’t want it to become a huge issue where he doesn’t feel confident talking to me.
What do I do? Do I leave him alone?

OP posts:
RoseBlueuet · 15/04/2026 17:30

Stop asking him about his sexuality fgs. It's 2026!

And why can't his friend stay over if it is one night. Do you have a spare room or just put him up on the sofa - if you are worried what they might get up to.

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 15/04/2026 17:34

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

Ah so internalised homophobia that you don't accept because your "mate is gay".

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:35

and you are right my house is not the paradise of the LBTQ community as the other boys do joke as lads do but I’m sure there will be the exceptional boy families where all the heterosexual sons are super decent and never a dirty/inappropriate joke cracked will come along in a minute to prove me wrong😁
All i’m saying we are as parents supportive whatever happens but I do get why he may not feel comfortable coming out

OP posts:
BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 17:39

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:35

and you are right my house is not the paradise of the LBTQ community as the other boys do joke as lads do but I’m sure there will be the exceptional boy families where all the heterosexual sons are super decent and never a dirty/inappropriate joke cracked will come along in a minute to prove me wrong😁
All i’m saying we are as parents supportive whatever happens but I do get why he may not feel comfortable coming out

Is the word ‘gay’ used as a jokey insult in your house OP? I know lots of men still tease each other, saying ‘that’s a bit gay’ etc.

Callmeback · 15/04/2026 17:41

I hate that there's still the term 'come out'. You don't have to 'come out' if you're straight. Ridiculous in 2026. Your gender stereotypes are strange in this day and age too.

Just let him be him.

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 15/04/2026 17:41

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:35

and you are right my house is not the paradise of the LBTQ community as the other boys do joke as lads do but I’m sure there will be the exceptional boy families where all the heterosexual sons are super decent and never a dirty/inappropriate joke cracked will come along in a minute to prove me wrong😁
All i’m saying we are as parents supportive whatever happens but I do get why he may not feel comfortable coming out

None of my kids are homophobic at all. It's hardly a LGBT paradise, just normal human decency tbh.

The fact you've normalised it as 'lads being lads' says it all.

PeopleWatching17 · 15/04/2026 17:45

JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 17:28

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

My brother is gay AND a gardener 😊

TheWonderhorse · 15/04/2026 17:45

I don't really get the AIBU. Wondering is of course fine, but it comes across as though you're trying to catch him out. Even if you are curious more than concerned you absolutely need to step back and let your DS handle this in his own way. It's not your business. If I were you, I would want to meet the new friend, and show DS that you're willing to support him in whichever relationship he chooses for himself, so long as it's healthy.

I'm going to forgive the clumsy reasoning (I'm being kind and going with clumsy!) because I think your intuition is hard to explain.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:48

PeopleWatching17 · 15/04/2026 17:45

My brother is gay AND a gardener 😊

There you go. Rest my case

OP posts:
FullMetalCapacity · 15/04/2026 17:49

as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics

There are characteristics that all gay men share and no straight men do?

Really?

Flyingkitez · 15/04/2026 17:50

I don’t think you need to encourage him to tell you. The sleepover was maybe his way around that. I think you are right he doesn’t know this boy properly. But maybe encourage the friendship side with taking him to meet him etc if that’s what he wants and if it grows into something it will be obvious in time.

Simonjt · 15/04/2026 17:51

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

The only characteristic about being gay is who you fancy.

Ficinothricegreat · 15/04/2026 18:08

JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 17:28

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

Are you positive they are gay then? I mean if they didn’t whip out some flowery gardening gloves…., are either of them well spoken though???? 😂.

No wonder the OPs child is keeping quiet

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:10

Ficinothricegreat · 15/04/2026 18:08

Are you positive they are gay then? I mean if they didn’t whip out some flowery gardening gloves…., are either of them well spoken though???? 😂.

No wonder the OPs child is keeping quiet

They are definitely gay. All into gardening and well spoken! If your gay friends aren’t, they are lying to you!

OP posts:
BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 18:10

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 17:39

Is the word ‘gay’ used as a jokey insult in your house OP? I know lots of men still tease each other, saying ‘that’s a bit gay’ etc.

OP can you answer this? @Idontmindeitherway

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 18:10

OP can you answer this? @Idontmindeitherway

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

OP posts:
Miyagi99 · 15/04/2026 18:14

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:28

He has plenty of local friends without sounding rude my main aim at night is to sleep not to try and get to know my son’s new friends

At 16 you just leave them to it, couldn’t think of much worse that the family trying to get to know them!

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 18:16

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

Edited

This is problematic.

Miyagi99 · 15/04/2026 18:19

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

Edited

You and DH need to clamp down on this, it’s disgusting behaviour and although I know it happens it shouldn’t be allowed at home.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:20

Miyagi99 · 15/04/2026 18:19

You and DH need to clamp down on this, it’s disgusting behaviour and although I know it happens it shouldn’t be allowed at home.

We do

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:21

Have you considered he might not actually be gay!?! An interest in clothes doesn’t really count… and looking at pretty boys might just be a passing interest - you really have NO idea why he has looked at that! I’ve googled pictures of beautiful women before out of interest or off the back of something else and I’m definitely straight!

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:22

And yes. Using gay as an insult is completely unacceptable. My 14 & 15 year old kids wouldn’t even dream of it.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:24

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:22

And yes. Using gay as an insult is completely unacceptable. My 14 & 15 year old kids wouldn’t even dream of it.

yes it is and of of course I knew there will be exemplary parents coming on

OP posts:
ProudAmberTurtle · 15/04/2026 18:26

There's nothing in what you've written to suggest he's gay, and if he is, so what?

It sounds like you really want him to be gay?

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:26

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:21

Have you considered he might not actually be gay!?! An interest in clothes doesn’t really count… and looking at pretty boys might just be a passing interest - you really have NO idea why he has looked at that! I’ve googled pictures of beautiful women before out of interest or off the back of something else and I’m definitely straight!

Of course I have that’s very much a possibility just much as he is gay

OP posts: