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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU to wonder if my son is trying to come out?

116 replies

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:08

We are a very masculine household with only boys in it who are heavily into football. My 16 year has always been a gentle soul/well spoken, into his clothes.
He’s obviously had to learn to be a bit physical with only brothers but it doesn’t come natural to him to be a ‘lad’
I’ve suspected since the start of secondary and from the occasional peek of his phone where he was looking at ‘pretty’ boys in front to mirror but he always denied it and got a bit cross with us when i tried to initiate the conversation about his sexuality.
Both his dad and I have made it clear that we would not care either way.
He hangs out with ‘lad’ lads, goes to football matches, party etc.
Had the odd girlfriend but it never turned into anything more than just hanging out.
Today he asked me if he can have a sleepover with a boy who he once met at a footie match who lives far away but wants to visit our city and he agreed to show him around.
I told him no as I do not know him but really feel it’s him trying to venture out finally.
I haven’t spoken to other half.
Even though he said he would not mind if his son was gay, I feel every time i try and show him proofs, he shrugs it off that i’m imagining things.
Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am 🙈
So I think he feels my ds is a bit like him and just a bit shy and late bloomer.
I want to encourage my ds to come if he really is gay but I don’t want it to become a huge issue where he doesn’t feel confident talking to me.
What do I do? Do I leave him alone?

OP posts:
Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 19:55

OneOfEachPlease · 15/04/2026 19:46

It does sound a bit intrusive from your perspective. I know some people know their sexuality definitively from a young age but loads of us don’t. Asking him out right was over the line and risks pushing him into secrecy. Some of your message makes it sound like you might be making it hard from him not to be gay, like he needs to justify not being into football and farting with a good excuse like his sexuality. Calm down and it’ll all work out in time.

This is actually a great point. I haven’t thought of it from this perspective. You are right he might not know it either way.

OP posts:
Daisy105 · 15/04/2026 20:12

Just leave him be OP. You have no idea if he's gay or not, and if he is it's up to him if and when he wants to tell you. No need to make a big deal out of 'coming out' straight people don't have to do that so neither should gay people unless they specifically want to.

BeardOToots · 15/04/2026 20:19

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:29

They clearly not really gay then

This is surely a wind up

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 20:35

BeardOToots · 15/04/2026 20:19

This is surely a wind up

Sure some of it is a wind up. That’s the only way deal with some of the mumsnetters

OP posts:
SummerFate · 15/04/2026 20:36

There’s one way you could work it out. Play him the Kylie Minogue and Hazell Dean versions of “Turn it Into Love” and ask him which one he prefers. If he prefers Kylie, he’s gay.

If he prefers Hazell, he’s also gay.

Chiaseedling · 15/04/2026 20:36

16 isn’t a late bloomer so that’s nonsense.
It’s Still a stage of discovery about sexuality.
Re the sleepover - I’d be asking more questions about this lad, just as I would about any teen I didn’t know sleeping over at age 16.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 20:37

SummerFate · 15/04/2026 20:36

There’s one way you could work it out. Play him the Kylie Minogue and Hazell Dean versions of “Turn it Into Love” and ask him which one he prefers. If he prefers Kylie, he’s gay.

If he prefers Hazell, he’s also gay.

No I would rather show him some gardening tools and see if any of it takes his liking

OP posts:
Bezaz · 15/04/2026 20:38

I would say just leave your son alone and let him work out what he's feeling in his own time. My DD is 21 and has a lovely boyfriend she's been seeing openly for 18 months - but she still gets very awkward and tomgue-tied when I quiz her about their relationship.

Like others, I am wondering why you said no to the sleepover.

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 20:52

OP I initially responded thinking you were being supportive and genuine. I am now thinking your manner, stereotyping and attitude are not conducive to your son wanting to tell you anything about his sexuality.

WhisperingShadowsStoptheworldiwannagetoffNSOUl · 15/04/2026 20:52

Because all gay guys are well spoken and effeminate don't think so .
Years back I met guys on the Northern soul scene that would happily kick fuck out of anyone that crossed them.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 20:58

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 20:52

OP I initially responded thinking you were being supportive and genuine. I am now thinking your manner, stereotyping and attitude are not conducive to your son wanting to tell you anything about his sexuality.

oh i’m sorry that i’m not sitting here taking the the abuse of the human activist of mumsnettes. I should sit here while they make fun of my comments and not react to it.
Ermm no

OP posts:
BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 21:02

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 20:58

oh i’m sorry that i’m not sitting here taking the the abuse of the human activist of mumsnettes. I should sit here while they make fun of my comments and not react to it.
Ermm no

You started off stereotyping the hell out of gay people. And then got worse. And then describe sons who use gay as a joke insult. Why would your son open up to you?

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 21:07

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 21:02

You started off stereotyping the hell out of gay people. And then got worse. And then describe sons who use gay as a joke insult. Why would your son open up to you?

There you go another bitter mumsnetter who feels better by insulting others behind a keyboard. Whatever makes you feel better. Hope your children do better

OP posts:
Imfukinradiant · 15/04/2026 21:14

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

Edited

Christ it gets worse.

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 21:15

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 21:07

There you go another bitter mumsnetter who feels better by insulting others behind a keyboard. Whatever makes you feel better. Hope your children do better

Mine are older than yours. They have been comfortable to open up to us because we have a warm and inclusive home environment. And plenty of gay folk in our social circle. Who funnily enough are all different.

My son and his friends did indeed go through an immature phase of using gay as an insult age 13/14 but we spoke about it and it stopped.

I would think about changing your approach if you want communication from your son. And maybe just leave it for now.

Vaguelyclassical · 15/04/2026 21:16

Did I miss the memo about gardening and sexuality? I believe straight men have been engaged in gardening since Adam! (Ever been to a stately home?) Can anybody refer me to the research that suggests that as soon as you do any weeding you start to desire other men? Are queer women allowed to garden, incidentally?

Imfukinradiant · 15/04/2026 21:20

Vaguelyclassical · 15/04/2026 21:16

Did I miss the memo about gardening and sexuality? I believe straight men have been engaged in gardening since Adam! (Ever been to a stately home?) Can anybody refer me to the research that suggests that as soon as you do any weeding you start to desire other men? Are queer women allowed to garden, incidentally?

We are, yeah, but not overtly. 👩🏻‍🌾

Hannaseed · 15/04/2026 21:21

Is the point where the OP tells us to FUCK OFF?

Springbuck · 15/04/2026 21:23

Leave him alone, he’ll tell you when he’s ready.
Our ds came out when he was 15. He took dh and I into a room to tell us ‘something important’ he told us but was gobsmacked when he realised the whole family had known for years 😀
He honestly didn’t realise how obvious it was.

anterenea · 15/04/2026 21:24

You're infuriating OP - children do not owe their parents a "coming out". His sexuality is actually none of your business. Your child has a life of their own and exists for himself only. Leave him alone.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 15/04/2026 21:25

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 21:07

There you go another bitter mumsnetter who feels better by insulting others behind a keyboard. Whatever makes you feel better. Hope your children do better

Wow!
Clearly you and your children need to do better if they use gay as an insult. My 11 year old knows not to do that and why it’s inappropriate.

Teach your children not to be homophobic!

Vaguelyclassical · 15/04/2026 21:26

Imfukinradiant · 15/04/2026 21:20

We are, yeah, but not overtly. 👩🏻‍🌾

Ah, I imagine you have to do it in the dark . . .

ImaniMumsnet · 15/04/2026 21:58

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JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 22:06

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 20:58

oh i’m sorry that i’m not sitting here taking the the abuse of the human activist of mumsnettes. I should sit here while they make fun of my comments and not react to it.
Ermm no

Human activist 😂

pimplebum · 15/04/2026 22:06

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

Why is the sleepover “ not sensible “ ? What are your concerns ?

you may know a few softly spoken feminiine gays but there is a whole world of gayness out there - manly butch gays and footbsll loving ladish gays so any of your boys could be gay or bi regardless of mannerisms , hobbies or friends

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