DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

It’s obvious you too divorce him if you want to protect your family inheritance and security.

Oh god divorce divorce divorce. What does he bring to your life? Useless.

Current assets: family home, rental property and probably pensions/savings. Add them all up and divide by 2 then when you realize you are better off financially by divorcing him now do so. You need to divorce him to protect your dc anyway as he is emotionally abusing your dd.

Tbf if a woman had agreed to sign a prenup I would feel it wasn’t great they had reneged on their promise. Irrespective of how I felt about a prenup being used it’s deceptive to say you’ll do it, then get married and stonewall your partner when they bring it up. If you disagree with it you should state that clearly before marriage.

Plus realistically the dynamics are usually different with men on here trying to get their wives to sign a prenup/postnup.

With men it’s often the case they have a wife who has sacrificed her own income to look after the children and the household, and of course risked her body/life to bring his kids into the world. And she will usually be left with the kids if they separate. So you can see why people get a bit more annoyed when the man tries to potentially shortchange her.

And judging by OPs subsequent update this man is running rings around her and is not pulling his weight at home.

You should divorce now and split the marital home, rather than give it away. Then inherit as a single woman later. But you shouldn’t have married him

Yes listen to this

Have you considered that your daughter's anxiety is driven by living in a house where her parents are miserable? I think that maybe separating and divorcing might be better for her not worse. You marriage sounds dead. Get divorced, not because of the pending inheritance but because it sounds awful! As a bonus, your inheritance will then not be subject to him having a claim. I genuinely don't understand why you want to stay in this marriage. The children can feel the misery that your both living in. People who stay together for the kids underestimate how bad it is for them. Much better to have divorced but peaceful parents than live with this stress.

I'm a man, and agree wholeheartedly with this advice.

Your marriage is in a bad place, so he's not going to sign if he thinks he can hold out and get more out of you in an eventual divorce.

Beat him to it and file ASAP

If my dear wife came into my office and I told her to get out (which I'd never do!!) she would grill, boil and fry my nuts and rightly too - he sounds a right git - have half his house and your inheritance in tax.

Or alternatively get your Dad to leave it to someone else (sibling, nephew etc..)

This!

Sounds like you need to put everyone out of their misery including yourself and start divorce proceedings. This is not a healthy environment to bring children up in.

Is he younger than you
do you feel that your punching and your only value is your wealth

because I can’t think of any other reasons why you would stay with him other than being desperate for a man

your obviously wealthy via your family
your educated and have a well paying profession

what is it that he brings to the table

he isn’t going to want the kids but he will absolutely use them against you to get what he wants which is money

it’s not nice to think you have been used for money but it’s cleat this is his plan so just cut him off now

Divorce him anyway, cos he sounds like a useless prick.

What is he for?

If you can’t divorce him for yourself, do it for your children. The more you write the more I think it’s an awful situation to subject children to.

At her age, I think she’s also anxious because she doesn’t know what “splitting the family” looks like, and this horrible man is exploiting this.

If the OP makes it clear that she’s still going to be with siblings, mum is going to be the main caregiver and that school, pets etc will be unchanged it’ll be reassuring. She’s still very young and won’t understand what divorce entails.

Please seek legal advice with your parents on trust funds! Especially if during a divorce you have the money yourself to support yourself.
When my grandparents died it turns out they had put my dad’s inheritance into a trust fund that he couldn’t access until he was divorced, and this was specifically stipulated in their wills. My mother who had been dragging her heels for years over a divorce waiting for both my nanny and grandad to pop their clogs was most annoyed when she found out and finally agreed to a divorce as she knew she wouldn’t be getting her hands on anything significant!

though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

You should have sorted this all out already.

Surely the best option is to divorce asap.
So he gets the large family home and you get the small rental property.

With your income and your family’s wealth you’ll easily be able to afford to buy a bigger property or even offer to buy him out if you want that particular house.

You say you want to remain living together after the divorce - I can’t imagine he’s going to want to do that at all but you could also suggest it and see.

OP, the situation seems worse with each update. You seem like a clever woman in some ways, but my god, look at what’s right in front of you. Short term pain for the kids or a lifetime of being miserable.

I think you are massively overestimating the benefits of staying together for your children. This is not a happy home. He doesn't spend their school holidays with them. Doesn't get up with them, doesn’t eat with them. All that "family home" stuff is a fantasy he doesn't put any effort into making a reality.

You can say to your DC we still love you very much, but we aren't best friends the same anymore, I'm sad about it but sometimes friends change. They will know what you mean. I would be suprised if the kids aren't already picking up on the unhappy vibes. Don't beat yourself up about divorcing.

That in itself is abusive and dysfunctional OP. You're not breaking it up on your own! It takes two to make a marriage work.

I will be honest I have no clue on pre nup/ post nup but I do know abuse... and I see the flags. I want you to take the love you are feeling for your kids and their home and picture your daughter, maybe given birth to her first daughter and the maternal instincts telling her that she should have been protected from adult topics he is putting on her. He is using that to guilt trip you, while he deprives you of conversation using noise camceling headphones, well what is the difference between silent treatment and that?. I would suspect there is more you haven't said. Speak to a solocitor

If the pre nup was so important 8 years ago then why on earth did you get married without it? Absolutely ridiculous, you’ve left yourself wide open. Pointless closing the stable door after the horse has bolted 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Your husband is grasping, lazy, manipulative prick. Divorce him and don't for gods sake carry on living together.

You will be doing all your kids a favour ensuring they don't grow up in such a toxic environment.

If you stay your kids will be in therapy for years

although with your wealth you can afford it

Sounds awful OP - doesn't sound like a marriage at all.

I think you should divorce him now, I actually think there's a strong possibility he is with you only for your future inheritance, and that he will likely divorce you and take you for half as soon you do inherit.

Your DD will soon see that he's like when he fails to put her and your other DCs first post divorce.

If you can, fight for keeping the DC with you and him have EOW and one night mid-week on the basis he does no childcare now and it wouldn't be in DC's best interests to change things. Especially if he travels. Sounds like you could potentially buy him out of the house? If you keep the house and he leaves, your DC's lives might stay mainly the same. If he spends no time with them they won't be that crushed. A bit distraught at the idea of change initially but when the reality hits that it's virtually the same, they will hardly notice. And even if things do change, if you keep the stress out of their lives they will adapt and do better than they will in a household where their parents are engaged in a cold war.