DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

There is no inheritance yet.

Divorce him now, and take half the house and try and get a clean break. And then keep your inheritance when it comes.

You need to divorce

technically you could continue to live together but I’m not sure if that is realistic

Why??
I am struggling to understand why you are not already at the solicitors filing for divorce anyway when you’re using terms such as ‘dire straits’ to describe your relationship.
Are you being financially abused here, is this the issue?

Divorce now.

You are clearly not happy in this relationship and the potential future inheritance is driving a wedge between you. I really don’t understand why you got married at all?

youve said yourself things are bad between you at the moment and have been.

he clearly doesn’t want to enter into the post nup or he would be engaging with you. His treatment of you is quite rude tbh.

In your shoes I’d be livid that he had reneged on the agreement/ was refusing to engage whilst whilst calling my dad. Particularly as the post nup (based on what you say) provides him with assets. He is basically being greedy wanting a slice of what your parents have built whilst also allowing you to be the main breadwinner. It would leave a bitter taste.

in your shoes I’d divorce (splitting actual marital assets, so not incl what you might inherit) in the knowledge that it would likely end the relationship.

@MyMonthlyNameChange He doesn’t do any housework nor childcare. Refuses to take time off for the kids during school holidays so I get by with help from my parents and I take 1-2 days per week off during summer holidays to save on constant childcare and clubs - he refuses to take one of those days and tells me to put them in clubs (which I pay for given higher £). He doesn’t do the housework - I have a cleaner. He says that his job is far mor vulnerable than mine having only been there 2 years (I’m senior and 20+ years in my company). He is always busy. Then at weekends will find something to keep him busy to avoid any conversation.

We sleep in separate beds, he does his own washing. He mostly sleeps in at weekends until 8:30 whilst I am an early riser and up with the kids. It’s truly awful and I have asked what we can do so I can take a step back from work (my job is super intense and high pressured) and his response has always been that he cannot put anything else financially in. He pays a v small mortgage and a small amount towards childcare, but I pay everything else. My car needs changing and he doesn’t have the time to help me with what I’m looking for, my property rental has maintenance issues and he is hopeless at helping or engaging so I have to work it out myself on top of everything else or ask dad for help.

He makes his own dinner every evening as refuses to eat what the kids and I eat- he wants scrambled eggs every single evening. He cooks said eggs and I come into the kitchen the next morning 60% of the time with the remains of his dinner from the night before still on the floor / on the kitchen counter because he hadn’t been arsed to clean it.

this - start divorce proceedings and go for all of the house as you will be sole parent to 3 young children. Just start a divorce. He is waiting for you to get the business and then he will divorce you.

Wow whatever happened to love?

When he promised to do a prenup he was presumably thinking you would both be happy in the marriage so signing a prenup would not be a problem but now that the marriage is so rocky obviously signing a prenup is much more significant.
It’s understandable that he is now reluctant to sign one.
I think you need to decide if you want to stay married or not and focus on that rather than the prenup at first.
I think it’s a mistake to think it’s better for the kids for you to stay together.

Divorce or not the business owners (your parents?) really need to talk to an estate planner. It can be set up so a portion is available for grandchildren education etc which means it’s not a marital asset

but yes divorce anyway it sounds terrible

You poor thing, I think things will come to a head one way or another either way. It doesn't sound like he really wants to move forward with the marriage if he isn't engaging.

You do have choices though, you can carry on as is or you can divorce. You can't make him sign anything at this point. I would make sure he knows that you have reached your line and if that happens like you say he signs it under duress then it isn't a good sign for either the agreement itself or the marriage.

At this point, potential inheritances can't be counted on as marital assets. If your father can get some advice about the shares, I would look at ring fencing them into a discretionary trust and not draw down until the issues with the marriage are sorted.

I know others have said you'd be crucified if you were a man, but if he did have a claim on the business, the proceeds would be issued via cash (potentially crippling you/the business) or shares which means he would have a say in the running of it, so you wouldn't want someone who hated your guts with any kind of control over a family business.

As for the kids, good for you for having their welfare foremost in mind. I am not sure, however from the small picture that you've painted, that he's all that invested in making it work, putting headphones on and blasting music, what is he 14? It does seem though if you issue an ultimatum it's over anyways. Sorry, I hope you manage to get something sorted for the benefit of you and especially your kids.

Why are you still married on paper? You live separate lives.

If i were in your shoes I would divorce him immediately.

Ok your read your latest post the longer you delay it the more money he gets. Divorce now and take everything you can house everything and tell him it’s over. It totally is. He has no respect for you or the children. He needs to be gone. Tomorrow. Get a great solicitor and tell him in the meanwhile he gets fuck all as he hasn’t raised the kids helped or contributed to anything so he can fuck off.

Change fathers will to a trust , divorce and settle on splitting family home etc - once financial order in place then reinstate fathers will to show original intention ? All of which would need legal checking

The marriage is done op you are delaying the inevitable, the children will be better off in a calm harmonious home. Divorce now, it’s the sensible option financially and mentally

Op he has checked out of family life. To be blunt it sounds like he is doing the bare minimum in order to bide his time until you her your inheritance. I’d 100% be divorcing now.

Divorce him, split your current assets 50/50 and protect your inheritance.
You are not happy with him & it’s not going to get any better.
This is YOUR inheritance which will one day be your children’s.
lm sorry if people think I’m putting money first but it’s easier to be holier than thou about money when you are not likely to inherit.
Ive seen too many cases of men disinheriting their children because of ‘new wife and/or more children/stepchildren.
Don’t let your dads asserts be grabbed away from you & your children is my advice,
If you were happily married my advice would be different.

Absolutely this.

He sounds awful and isn’t bringing anything currently, apart from stress and unhappiness

Get legal advice and get out of this marriage.

Do not let him near your inheritance.
It will be better long term.

What is the point of him? How have you not divorced him already? Do you want your children growing up thinking this is what a relationship looks like?

Absolutely this.
reading your last post I have no idea why you even want to live with this man. He does nothing for you, the house, the children and causes you more work.

Divorce seems to be the only feasible option. He is not communicating or engaging and that is no basis for a relationship regardless of the money.

Based on your first post I thought it all sounded a bit unfair.

Based on this post, your marriage won’t last the term of the prenup anyway. He is a lazy arsed scrounger and you’d all be better off with less involvement from him. Get to the divorce lawyers and see it through.

Dispassionately, it seems he’s sticking around for the windfall. I would initiate divorce proceedings as he’s broken your trust and let you down completely as a partner and co parent