DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

I think I’d divorce him for his shitty behaviour TBH regardless of the inheritance. If he agreed to this before the marriage and you’ve been clear that he keeps the house I can’t understand why he wouldn’t agree to this. I suspect he enjoys the power over you.

It could not be clearer that he is 100% waiting for you to get the windfall before he divorces you and rides off into the sunset with your parent’s hard earned money and your childrens’ inheritance. You should get there first and divorce him before you get the windfall.

Divorce now or regret it later.
The marriage is over either way, you will have the advantage if you divorce now.
Women get screwed over most of the time because they are not selfish enough, I speak from experience on this one.

Your anxious children will not be better off continuing in this situation with a father who is willing to emotionally abuse them in order to punish you. This is highly toxic and you need to stop worrying about how you will feel about your daughter being told it's you choosing the divorce and you face it head on with honesty and love.

Respectfully, this is his major divorce leverage if you were to leave/try to leave him. He would be foolish to sign now. At this point, signing would involve some kind of settlement/terms with concessions to him as your leverage is gone.

What an absolute arse and shit father saying that to a little girl! Hes awful OP. Please don’t fall
for any manipulation, see a lawyer asap, it will be easier the younger the kids are. Your ‘D’H will get a shock when he actually has to parent his own children and pay out for holiday clubs since he won’t be wanting to take any annual leave

Stop wasting your time mithering him about the post nup and just divorce him. He is clearly waiting it out. He has completely extricated himself from family life and he parenting.

FFS - listen to his actions

he is just biding his time till he can walk away with a big settlement from your family and you

he barely does anything for your kids now m
the only way that will change is when he realises that the gravy train is ending
and he says he is the main parent as you work full time and he walks away with the house and child support from you

wake up smell the roses

he isn’t your friend

he is your enemy

your thinking of the man you want him to be not the man he is which is a lazy cock lodger

ask yourself honestly
would he be with you if you weren’t wealthy
Some men target potentially wealthy women knowing that they will get a nice payout eventually

your lucky you have family wealth

go and see a solicitor with your father

Yes I'd say he is actively looking for an offer.... the whole involving the dad thing smacks of it

Never mind the inheritance issue - why are you still married to this man? You sound desperately unhappy and your marriage is clearly dead. The fact he won't even talk to you about this, puts on his headphones and threatens to lock you out.... Fuck that. Just divorce him. Don't live together. Just get shut of a relationship that isn't serving you, before it costs you a load of money as well.

He's after your money, plain and simple, and he always was. He never had the slightest intention of signing any post-nup agreement. Were you so desperate to get married that you married him without either a post-nup or a pre-nup? He's treating you very badly and you need to get a good solicitor and an even better divorce. He'll be mad as hell when he sees his cash plan disappearing. I wish you the best with the gold-digger you're married to, because men can be gold-diggers just as much as women can.

Realistically OP, why on earth would he sign a post nup now? Would you, in his situation?

When you got married he thought you’d be together for ever, so of course he agreed to anything, as we all would, if we thought it would never happen.

Now the marriage is falling apart, and divorce is ultimately inevitable. Why would he deliberately do himself out of some money? Him signing a post nup would be turkeys voting for Christmas.

Divorce now before you come into your inheritance.
there’s no way he’s signing any post nup for you now, sounds like he’s just going to hide in the office and wait it out, and then divorce you when you’re wealthy and have 50% of it for himself.

This seems really simple to me. Divorce is the only option here. It is in your best interest longer term. You’ll regret it if you don’t. The fact that you can’t even have a sensible conversation with him about finances says it all.

Tell your father what your married life looks like
Go with your father to a solicitor and discuss divorce and inheritance.

Ask your father to change his will and put into a trust fund for your kids. See if there is another way for your father to put money into an e.g. investment property which he can later transfer into your name, giving you access to funds.
Divorce.
Change will again if possible.
But please do this before your father gets ill or old and cannot help you.

Your husband is not going to sign a pre-nup at this stage. He knows about the inheritance. He knows he is entitled to half ot it.

Do whatever you and your father can do to protect it until the divorce comes through.

Why should he sign something that is totally and absolutely to his disadvantage. I wouldn't. You need to see a solicitor.

If divorce is inevitable then worrying about a postnup is a waste of time. Just get divorced. Separate your legal and financial ties so that when you do inherit he has no claim.

Dont do something stupid like divorce and keep living together.

First, that may complicate things legally. While you won’t be married, the lack of clean break might give him a window to bring expensive litigation, even if he eventually loses.

Second, it’s just not good for the children.

Divorce him while the children are young as teenagers it will be harder on them.

You don't know enough about trusts, get expert advice.

You would be really stupid to think you can live with man after divorce if things are this bad at the moment. He’s disrespectful, rude, and is a shit father/husband, it sounds as if your marriage is long gone. Your children will adapt, cut your losses is my advice and stop wasting you and your children’s lives, you’ll probably be much happier without his weight around your neck. The post nup is the least of your worries as you haven’t inherited yet. Divorce him.

Edited to add sell the house, he’s being emotionally manipulative and it’s on him what he tells your children, not you. Stop allowing him to manipulate you via the children. No wonder your daughter is anxious if he’s saying these things to her, you should be doing all you can to protect your children and protecting them isn’t staying with this man.

Reassure your daughter what divorce would mean. Tell her that it will be similar to how things are now - mummy and daddy eating separately, sleeping separately, you mainly looking after them - except that daddy will have his own house and may look after them himself for a weekend sometimes.

He may say he wants 50:50 but it’s clear he won’t be capable of that.

He’s manipulating her by making her fear the unknown so be factual and concrete in your replies. Honestly, after divorce, their lives probably won’t change much, he doesn’t do anything

OP when did the marriage get so bad? I’m just curious because you have 3 young kids. I know it’s done now but I find it bizarre people bringing child after child into these situations. Unless of course everything was fine until after the last kid.

@mamato3rascals comtact a solicitor Nd file for divorce asap. He is horrible and the kids will thank you for it.
Can you line up counseling for your eldest .
This way you can manage her feelings with support when he is trying to sabotage your plans to split .
I wouldn’t give him a penny more than I had to . He sounds horrid.

He’d be better off signing the post nup as he gets the house in that, but if you just divorce him he would get half? Have I understood that right? At this stage and the state of your marriage I’d just divorce him and work on your relationship with your daughter, he’s emotionally manipulating you-what example is that showing your daughter for her future relationships?

Divorce AND financial order if you are in England.