DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

He is utterly awful and is trying to change your sense of reality. It's usually called gaslighting. Do not give in to him.

It’s a 15k job to fix. He keeps telling me it isn’t my house so I am loathe to pay this amount given the current situation. My parents have offered to help to sort it out for us - he says they’re interfering. He says he doesn’t have the money to sort it himself. It’s a car crash.

Well in that case move, my ex stopped paying his share of the mortgage when he left on his solicitors advice 🙄 it actually sounds like the house is a safety concern so would stick with that when you move out.

Hes ana absolute fucker.
Buying a sports car while his child's room has damp and mould.

Absolute disgrace of a man

Honestly im happy youve cut your losses with this clown. put your energy into your kids and your new life.

This is bollocks. Inheritances aren't guaranteed and not an asset.

The Ops parents could just say they plan to give it all to charity. He can say there is an Inheritance expected but it will only be a consideration. You have the upper hand here OP, just go 50/50 on the house, hell id even go 70/30 in his favour to walk away. And ensure hes not been racking up debt before the agreed separation date as that is looked at as joint.

He’s tried his absolute best to have a chat this morning, telling me the reason we’re in this position is because of my job (which pays for everything, and actually which I enjoy) and because we don’t do anything “for us”
to work on the relationship. Date nights etc. He says he has asked for meals out etc and the past few years I have always said no - that’s absolutely correct because whenever we did this in the past, we’d walk back through the door at home and he was back to his usual self. I couldn’t bear the thought any more because it’s so fake and he has ground me down so much day to day, constantly criticising me or by all of this strange non communicative behaviour that I can’t possibly think of having a drink or dinner with him. It’s not real life. I’d rather him be more reasonable at home which would go so much further than a forced meal out.

He’s just taken my daughter out and I suspect to buy me flowers. She is therefore seeing this man trying with me and me continuing to say no- it’s so unfair as she doesn’t see the wider stuff (not that I particularly want her to) but all she will now experience is unhappiness at home and me now not accepting his advances which frankly are too little too late.

You need to move out asap until this is all sorted out. Rent a place for now don't but because that adds more complexity to the assets division.

For the house, with the agrees to be bought out or you both agree to sell and divyy the proceeds but unfortunately he needs to be on board for this so also be prepared to just give it up for him as part of his share and move on rather than spend time, resources and energy fighting him for months and months.

I'm really concerned for your kids, unfortunately kids can feel the tension and what going on and it can lead to confusion and trauma for them, and as you tightly said he is most likely telling her how he is trying to be a good dad and husband and its mummy who is doing this and that which just causes confusion for the poor girl.

The goal is to get rid of him ASAP so if it means moving out or leaving him the house I wokld seriously consider it.

I gave my ex far more than he deserved and well over the 50 50 for a clean break.
He got the marital home and the mortgage paid off. But I got peace of mind. His solicitor advised him he had amazing deal and better than what he'd get fighting through the courts. So he signed.
Your tactic of giving him the house may well be best

If you can afford it, rent locally. It’s not wasted money as you are buying peace. That’s priceless.

I would also look at getting some counciling . If he goes after you for being “mad”, it would help having someone to say “hang on a minute”.

It isn’t imminent, as her father is alive and well at the point of separation. A potential future inheritance isn’t her asset, and nor would a realized inheritance be automatically considered a marital one.

She would be wise to legally establish separation now, however.

He’s using your daughter in an attempt to manipulate you. He’s manipulating both of you to his benefit. Your love for her is something he sees as a weakness to be exploited.

Hold firm, for both of you.

Get the kids (and yourself) into therapy asap. It'll stop it developing in a major issue ruining their teenage years and own future relationships.

@mamato3rascals

You haven't specified, but have you spoken to a solicitor? If not, you really should especially wrt the house. I'm in a similar situation in that I do NOT want the marital home but ours is a legal separation rather than a divorce, which is better for me in the long run financially. EsH (estranged husband) bullied me into buying an old farmhouse in bad shape 30 years ago, never did a thing to fix it up, and now he's wrecking it with his drinking. My attorney (I'm in the US) gave me several very good financial reasons why i shouldn't just 'sign it over to him'. So it will be sold and what profit there is will be divided with him getting a larger share in exchange for me keeping other certain assets. This also creates a situation where he's more likely to be cooperative when it comes to selling. So please, before you simply give him the house, see a solicitor. And whether you move out now or 'stick around a bit' is again something to discuss with a solicitor.

As far as him being a prick wrt telling the DC that you are 'destroying' the family, that might be considered parental alienation and is also something to discuss with a solicitor. Also discuss what things need to be done to assure that you are found to be the 'primary carer'. At this point all you can do is reassure them that you love them and perhaps say "Sometimes mummies and daddies just can't get along anymore. When that happens it's better if they don't live in the same house. But we both still love you and you will see Daddy often".

You'll get through this. You're strong, smart, and tough.

I don't understand why you want him to be mentally unscathed, and to pay nothing to his own children. Why? You should be taking him to the cleaners!! Especially after that stunt he pulled with the letter in front of the kids!

Must be a big problem that costs £15k to fix - have you had quotes? You could reroof some houses for that.

If an inheritance is not merged with family finances it can sometimes be protected in a divorce, but that needs legal advice. Anyway this inheritance does not seem to be imminent as OPs parents dont appear to be dead. OP is sensibly forward planning.

He doesnt want to lose your finances, he will try to use your children against you and it is possible he will become violent towards you. Make your plans to leave.

Can you please give some information regarding the marital home. Did he own the house before you married and is he the only one on the deeds, pays the mortgage etc or was it a home purchased together both on the deeds etc. If the former as you are married you have a right to be on the deeds regardless. It is clear then this is a marital asset.

If this is not your (jointly) chosen home and if you have less legal right to occupy it on divorce and you don’t want to stay there you can move out and let the financial settlement deal with it (once you have registered your interest) eg he keeps equity in the house in exchange for you keeping pension or savings.

Atm there is no inheritance so let this go through as a normal divorce. Split your assets based on what they are now not what they may be in the future. Don’t give him anything he is not entitled to in the hope he will be reasonable.

Most women with DC have no option but to stay in a damaging environment pending divorce if their family can’t help them but it sounds like your parents will help their daughter and grandchildren practically and financially now that divorce is initiated.

Your main problem seems to be H using DC as tools to manipulate you (abusive) as you have seen through the lovebombing. This is a good reason to leave to protect your DC.

Your DC are people in their own right and deserve to have their own thoughts and feelings respected. They are not tools to manipulate you for financial gain. Don’t let him manipulate your DC. Being an arse for months/years, breaking up the ‘happy’ family home, publicly overreacting to divorce papers he likely saw the day before, taking dd to buy flowers to fix things - manipulation 101.

If you can do so leave now for your own well-being and that of the DCs. With sufficient money to survive on in the meantime the lawyers or court will sort the rest.

This.

He's horrible and his reaction to your and your DC’s distress just shows this.

The house is no more his than it is yours. Sell the house and start afresh.

Be very cautious about your safety and the children.

Think clearly about not claiming on any assets he has...it is not impossible for you to become unwell or your parents to need long expensive term care. Give him a win yes...but not everything you might live to regret and need.

Sorry it has come to this OP. My sister had one like this. Once her realised he was serious re divorce he briefly rallied, when he realised she was serious he was hideous. Called parents asking how much they’d give him given future inheritance - err nothing 🤣. Also Disney parent to the kids whilst slagging of sister.

the divorce has dragged on for years. I’d echo what @Quitelikeitsaid. Trauma to kids usually stems from parents conduct. Having seen sister’s situation, the best thing is to complete everything as quickly as possible. This is the mistake my sister made - she was far too reasonable and so the financial proceedings were not issued for over 3 years!! Meanwhile everything was up in the air and she had to communicate with him as he became more and more unreasonable. It took another year for the proceedings to conclude. Even the kids were genuinely happy once completed.

the point making is push ahead. Just get stuff done. If he really wants to talk fine (if you want to entertain), but that can all happen in the background as everything gets finalised (divorce and finances).

Yes you really must make an appointment with a Solicitor.

I’ve said elsewhere friends are 18 months post separation (no kids) and it’s dragged on as one party was unreasonable with settlement offers. Their legal bill is 5 figures compared to the other whose bill is substantially less.

I suggested to the unreasonable partner they needed guidance as to what the outcome would be but that one thought they could get other to sign off on a lower offer (which family and friends advised not to).

and I think you and the kids need your own space to assist with clearer thinking.

Another vote for moving out ASAP. Find something small. As long as it doesn't leak and come with a live-in financially and emotionally incompetent weasel toad it will be an improvement.

ETA: your sanity and the wellbeing of your children is worth the cost, even if it feels painful.

ps - he has got himself out of bed at 8:40 this morning (I’ve been up since 6:30 with the kids as usual) and asks if we all want to go out for breakfast together. I really think he has bipolar.

Bipolar? Why?

Please stop badgering on about your kid being destroyed. Kids survive divorce all the time. Not only do they survive it, they'll be adults one day and if they don't see your exes behaviour for what it is now, they will then.

Meanwhile, your poor child does not deserve to be painted as a spanner in the works of what needs to be done.

This! Neither you or your STBXH should be using your child as a reason to/not to progress the divorce ASAP.

A roof repair is not a hugely expensive job. Even a whole new roof is not £15K unless your house is enormous. It might even be a loose tile or tiny bit of mortar or dodgy guttering. I (finally) dealt with an intermittent leak last winter, admittedly in the NW so possibly cheaper, but it needs doing. Water damages structure, and your ceiling could collapse