DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

Could your parents purchase a property, for you and the children to move into. And once the divorce is complete, they transfer the house over to you as a “gift”?

FIL did this for BIL when he was going through his divorce. ExSIL had no claim on that new property because it wasn’t in his name until after everything with the divorce was finalised.

this seems like the easiest way for you and the children to be out and settled. And then you can decide what you want to do with regard to the marital home

Behave my new roof on a small bungalow was 22k last year

https://www.roofadvisor.co.uk/how-much-does-a-roof-replacement-cost-in-the-uk/

Copyright 2024

My sister and her husband cleared out their saving and had to borrow money to get their roof done last month after the guttering was knackered and needed a hell of a lot more as the timbers had gone.

And they had thousands in the bank!

ETA sister said that they wish they had never had the guttering looked at because if the roof had collapsed then at least the insurance would have covered it.

What it costs to fix the roof is probably the minor issue on this thread.

The major issue is that the sad bastard that @mamato3rascals is currently tied to won't get on and get it fixed.

OP, it probably feels really difficult to decide what to do at the moment. But if tou could take just one step, think about that.

I would recommend seeing a good experienced divorce lawyer. I'm sure people here could DM you their contacts for the Mumsnet "Shit Hot Lawyer."

And I would also forget COMPLETELY the proposed terms of the pre-nup, and ANY claim your DH (I hope he's soon to be ex-H) thinks he has on your parents' estate. Your parents aren't dead yet, and neither you nor your STBX have any claim, until after their death!!

You owe him nothing. He's a lazy arse & nasty to you with it.

Good luck

Agree with this. He doesn’t want to enter the pre-nup? In that case it’s terms such as him getting the house don’t stand and everything is split 50:50.

everything is split 50:50.

Absolutely! Good luck @mamato3rascals Please, please be absolutely confident that you owe him nothing, financially or morally.

He’s not sentimental, he’s manipulative as hell. I’m so sorry OP.

thats a good idea.

One with a new roof... that doesn't need any doing up and you and the kids could move in and make it your own.

This. You are in the lucky position of having substantial family support that you can access and nothing quite like a pissed off Dad to help you through it.

I'd suggest that you take a mental step back and instruct your lawyer that he gets a one shot deal to take the amazing deal on the table that you are offering - the family home with no claim on your rental property, any maintenance or pension for a clean break divorce. Leave the lawyers to discuss and his own lawyer can advise him. Your lawyer can make it clear that family assets are now in trust so even if your parents passed away now, he couldn't get his hands on them.

Otherwise it can go to court for a financial order which will be 50:50 on your current assets. I suspect that unless you have a stonking pension that overall its a better outcome for him to take the house.

Can you get the house valued? I'd start to make it look very serious that the house will be going on the market in its current state which will result in a sh*t outcome for you both but that you are serious about expediting this divorce.

You mention school fees so presumably the kids are in private school and will be finishing up at the end of June. Can you spend a large part of the summer at your parents - is that an option?

@mamato3rascals Any update, mama? I'm so sorry you're going through this. 💔

Hello all… a quick update. I tried to leave in June, chickened out, stayed. Asked him again in August to sign the post nup. Asked again early Sept and gave a timescale of Friday 16th as the deadline. He isn’t engaging at all (I mean, why would he!) so in the background I’ve signed for a tenancy on a gorgeous new house that I’m so excited to move into on 1 October. It is lovely enough to get me excited about moving. When I last told him I was leaving (in June) he sobbed uncontrollably - actually like a mad man - telling me he’d sign anything I want. “Just give it to me and I’ll sign it”. So I gave him some more time and nothing has happened. I’m so fed up and, post nup aside, the way he speaks to me is a disgrace. Tells me I should “see someone”. In the morning when I first ask a question / say something about the kids, he says “sh!” to me like I’m a dog. So this is the start of a new chapter from which I’m so excited about. But I need some help please on when I tell him and how I do this. Last time he made such a show at home and cried so uncontrollably that I backed down. My 2 youngest kids will be fine, I worry, though, about my 8 year old as she is sensitive and she’ll feel sorry for him being lonely (although we’ll share the kids 50:50). Last time I told him we were divorcing he threw the divorce papers at me in front of the kids. He will almost certainly tell them it’s mummy that wants this. My daughter (most astute) sees how he talks to me and I’ve always taught her to stand up for herself if she’s being treated unfairly, so I’m going to (I think!?) tell her that this is mummy standing up for herself. Is that right?!

Practically - then - we will share the kids 50:50 but he doesn’t finish work until 6-6:30. The kids have clubs most evenings and usually I do those between 4-6 and I make up my work time late at night. Can I still do that if it’s 50:50 and presumably I just drop them off with him when clubs are finished?! Kids won’t like being left there but I’ll need to abide by the 50:50 rule!

Mum and Dad have been told what’s happening and I can see they are so relieved.

I’m also a believer in not telling people something is done until it’s actually done. So I wasn’t going to tell friends etc until I’m fully moved in and settled, I don’t want the stress of gossip etc. Mum and Dad offered for their own workmen to help me with a move, but they’re local men in the village and I don’t want gossip so I think it’s worth £500 to do this quietly first. What do you think?

Any help on the transition would be great to give me some extra strength - but I am so glad this is the start of putting this nonsense behind me!!

And one more thing - can anyone recommend a shit hot lawyer and particularly one where the female is the much higher earner. I have a local one and I’m not sure what I think just yet - she tells me about other people’s cases!!

@mamato3rascals i will pm you the lawyer I used. I was higher earner, and walked away giving ex DH 25k in return for both houses and (most importantly) both dogs!

Done @mamato3rascals if you don’t get it pm me and I will reply with details

@mamato3rascals

What a stressful few months you’ve had!

Just out of curiosity, when he was blubbering and agreeing to sign something back in June, how come you didn’t then just hand him the paperwork and get him to sign, right then? Given how long this has been going on for, surely you had the paperwork ready?

I think the ‘this is mummy sticking up for herself’ explanation is a good one. Because it is true.

Love the fact that you’ve been prepping in the background. The excitement is good!

Can the children have an overnight stay with grandparents or something when you leave? Then it’s only you who has the dramatics when you’re actually leaving?

Good luck!

You are living like a flatmate with this man. Bizarrely you want to continue that. The children who love it now will come to see that arrangement for what it is - weird, one sided, loveless.

Personally I think your father / family need to send you a few communications saying you’re not going to get any of the family business / don’t expect it etc then around a year later you divorce. Then he can’t bring up the family business in those proceedings and you have evidence

But the woeful madness of not getting him to sign a prenup in the first place ….

@curious79 did you miss the update where op has rented a house for herself and is moving out in 2 weeks or…?

Sue Andrews. She's now at Blanchard Law. She did my divorce and was amazing. She works with a lot of HNW individuals.

I can't advise on the legal side but talk to your daughter. Think of some very clear examples that a child of 8 will understand about relationships.

So in a happy relationship both people talk to each other nicely.

In a happy relationship people enjoy spending time with each other.

In a happy relationship people talk and plan things together.

You don't have to blame her dad. You just say that the relationship between you and her dad is not a happy relationship.

Do your mum and dad have a good relationship? Might be nice if they do and she's seen that to use them as examples.

As she gets older she'll be able to understand more about the challenges you have faced from her dad, especially if he leaves you to do everything which I suspect he will. For now she needs to know that both mum and dad love her but that they aren't happy together. She already knows this. I would also talk to her school so they can support her.

The sooner you divorce the better as you don’t want a judge saying you had a long marriage. He’s also got time to build his own life and support himself. See a solicitor NOW.

It doesnt t sound like 50/50 will be best for the kids.
Faffing around travelling at 6:40/7:00 instead of getting ready for bed?! They’re so young, that’s too late for them.

If he wants 50/50 he needs to sort his work to be available to look after them. You making them tea & doing all the work but then handing them over for “night” isn’t ok. Don’t set yourself up to fail on that one.

I'm so pleased to hear your update, and that this time you're really going to go.

Take advice from your lawyer, obviously, but I would not advise getting involved on 'his' care days by picking them up from clubs and dropping them off for him. It will really muddy the waters re shared care, and set you up for years of similar running around.
If he wants shared care, then picking them up on 'his' days will be his problem to sort out.

A PP had some excellent advice regarding how to speak to your daughter about what's happening.

Good luck OP.

Yes, I agree with this - he sorts the period after school and the end of his work. Not you!

I don’t think getting married was right for you and I don’t get how you managed to have 3 children in 7 years with a man that you clearly don’t trust (or like) and are focussed on separating from.