AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

Except in her op you mean? Where she says she does the lions share of housework and kids? Or do you mean the cheaters kids? She mentions them in her second post.

Seeing his friend alone or with other men - fine

Seeing his friend at a couples event without you - not fine

I do wonder why people are so entrenched in their need to make a point about single women, they think context is irrelevant.

”The host” isn’t some vague unknown in this scenario. He is a man who has proven himself to be generally disrespectful of women and relationships.

If Andrew Garfield was hosting a party of 6 couples and two mixed sex singles, I’d think the woman was being invited for her intellect and personality.
If Andrew Tate was hosting the party, I’d assume the same woman was invited for other reasons.

The word “invited” is key. That goes to the motive of the host, not of the woman or any other guest. Suggesting this is why the host invited her has nothing at all to do with who she is or what she intends. It doesn’t matter what her motives are, nor what the outcome is. What matters is what the host, and OP’s husband think. If they both think it is a set up, that’s not ok. If OP’s husband thinks this, he should not accept the invite. The woman might get there, feel it is a set up and leave. She might stay and have a great time, ignoring the sub-text of the invite. That doesn’t negate the host and/or OP’s husband’s intentions.

It would have to be here as one of the things I’d say to my dh is I don’t provide free labour for my husband to be set up with other women. So this dinner party, he needs a babysitter, as it’s not me.

There's something very off here. My guess is that B is at best entirely disrespectful of your marriage and at worst happy to drive a littje wedge. After all you don't approve of what he did and you remain friends with his ex. it's up to your husband if he wants to stay friends with this guy. It's absolutely not OK for him to be the " other" single person for the unattached single woman in these formal, couplesey dinner parties. And TBH it's concerning he doesn't seemto see that. It's also concerning you're doing the heavy lifting in this marriage and maybe you should think about that? He is not single and the implication is obviously that he is potentially available. He should really see that for himself. There's no reason why the chap cant have a dinner party for 7, or invite a genuinely single person. I really think your DH needs to take a long look - at himself.

He actually is a vague unknown, certainly to everyone on this thread except the OP. All we know is that he had an affair; it doesn't follow that behaving badly in his own marriage means his dinner party guestlists are designed to induce infidelity in other people's marriages. But we don't actually know his interests, career, personality, social history with this woman or any of the other factors that more usually affect a dinner party invitation. Absent any of that information, it's ludicrous to leap to the assumption that he's only invited her to pair her off with a married man.

I like your thinking.

OP seems to be default childcare.

We don't know he is single, OP says he is living the single life.

Given how the OP speaks about B, why would he want to speak to her? She’s made it clear that she thinks he is a scum bag.

It doesn’t matter if he lays on a whole bloody room of single women, if the husband doesn’t want to cheat, he won’t. And if h does, he will do it anyway

Excellent post.

And if her OP's DH does cheat (big if), the same posters will be berating her for so readily accepting that he got invited to events without his wife by a cheat friend.

I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons

What are these reasons?

Because the friend is trying to set up her DH with random single women? At least, that is how it comes across.

I said that OPs husband is not even single. That we do know.

Absolutely unacceptable. Very disrespectful of B. But we know he doesn't care about cheating. Shocking your 'D' H thinks this is ok.

I mean... He is a scum bag.

In her opinion. Things are never so simple but people on here never understand that.

I would say to DH that you don't mind him seeing cheater friend but not in a scenario where he seems to be being set up with another woman. Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he respects your marriage, he will duck out of this one.

Nah, a long term affair is never acceptable. If you are thar unhappy, get a divorce/ separate.

It is every bit that simple.

Or he invited someone to make up the numbers

And is OPs husband a scumbag also? I trust my partner. He could be in a room of women and my first thought is not that he would be shagging any of them

This dreaded single woman might be the man’s close friend. A trusted colleague who he likes. Why should he not invite her as well as his male friend? She may like being single. Why assume she is out for a man? Is this what single women are treated like??

If the OP doesn’t trust her husband, then that’s the issue here. Not the dinner party composition.

Some of these responses are completely batshit to me.
How insular to think that just because a single woman is going, that must mean the OP's husband is getting set up for a date? this thinking is akin to the village gossips in the local shop declaring 2 people of the opposite sex are definitely having an affair because they stopped for a little chit chat!
OP do you trust your husband? because it sounds like you do not if this is making you worried.
These couples who are joined at the hip must be so insecure they can't even so much as look at another human being.

He is being very disrespectful going along with this. But OP does not believe he is cheating. More that the morals of his friend are suspect and he would encourage it.

He’s her husband, not her child. If OP trusts him, being in with a ‘bad crowd’ is irrelevant 🤣