To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

How does his mum feel about it? It may be upsetting for her to hear this.

I think you should leave so he can put his child first.

I think if you are in a relationship with someone who has a child you should always be prepared to potentially have that child living with you.
Would you being saying no if his mother had died?

YABU. If you don't want the prospect of living with someone else's child then you don't have a relationship with someone who has a child. You made your choices and it would be unreasonable that your stepson cannot live with his father because you don't like it.

He should be able to be with his dad full time, but that doesn’t have to be with you. You should both prioritise your own children.

Who is the house full of?
Your own kids? Shared kids? Dogs and cats?

“This child” being the child of your partner?

I think that you should have considered this before you blended families. Of course he should be allowed a live with his father. If it is okay for your children then it should be okay for him.

Would you let him say your children couldn’t live with you full time?

if you combine families you need to be willing to have all children living with you if necessary.

There’s a lot of context to think about before looking at the practicalities of this. What is the reason for your DP and his DS wanting to change the current set up from a couple of days to full time? What does his mother think about this idea? Do they have an agreed legal contact arrangement that would need to be adjusted?

What exactly is the space problem?
Are there ways to increase or subdivide the space.
I don't think you can refuse on the grounds of behaviour unless extreme.

YABU
its his son, of course he should be able to live with his own Dad.

It's his son, it's a home for his son always surely

Curious as to the ages / sex of all the children and the bedroom set up.

Also what is the housing set up and who is on the tenancy / deeds?

That's not how it works, OP. It's his child. If he's any kind of father, the child comes before you. YABU.

@DuvetInTheDaytime how old is this child?

Do your kids live with you fill time?

Its his child.

.

Yabu, this is your partner's child who is just as important as your own. It might have been helpful to explain your objections based on space and rooms

Bit thin in info OP, how many kids, how old, whose are they? Whose house is it? Do you both work? If any shared kids is childcare split evenly. In other words does your DHs ‘itll work out’ actually mean you’ll work it all out?

Your partner will need to step up and deal with the behaviour if that's an issue. You can't stop his son living there though, assuming that it's not your own house. You'll need to find a bigger place, will the mum be paying child support? Will you get extra benefits if claiming them, eg child benefit?

This. It’s your partners home as much as yours and he has as much right for his child to live with him as you do for yours.

YABshockinglyU

There’s a lot of info missing here but ultimately you can’t expect to be in a shared home with a bunch of your kids and no space for his. So from the info you’ve given, yes you’re being selfish and it’s not just his issue to solve. If you don’t want to participate in finding a solution you need to both get your own separate homes, which it sounds would be best for all the kids

Exactly this.

It’s a bit rubbish that you can have your kids around full time, and that’s ok and yet he isnt allowed the same right……

Yabu