To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Given it's your council tenancy and you seem to already be over occupied, his father needs to move out and accommodate his son. A sofa is not a long term plan for a 14 year old. If it was a joint property my answer would differ

Yes exactly this
i imagine sleeping on the sofa isn’t improving the lads behaviour either.

Hmm it's your house and under those circumstances, I wouldn't want another child moving in and disrupting my own children's routine. For me this would be a relationship deal-breaker. I don't think your partner is being particularly fair expecting you to accommodate this in your house as there clearly isn't room - he should move out and get somewhere for himself and his child.

Also though who else have you got living with you you suggest it's not just your children? Maybe the additional people should move out

But you still havent said how many kids you have and whether they are boys or girls? Odd.

Well as it is your house, you get to decide who lives there. But that may mean your partner chooses to leave if there is no room for his son.

So your kids can live with you full time, but your partners son can't live with him full time? Do you think that's fair?

Yes I can understand your house being full and finances etc but you can't dictate to your husband that he can't live full time with his own son.

Your options either you stay together and make it work or you split up. There's really no two ways about it.

Context.

Is it your house that you had before DP? Or is
it owned jointly between you?

On the face of it I agree with the prevailing view - it's DP's child so that child shouldn't really be less important than your children, shared or otherwise.

But the ownership of the property is important. If it's your house, in your name, then you can say no to whoever. But if it's a jointly owned home, then it gets more complicated.

Edited to say you hadn't posted your update when I started my reply, I can see it's your house in your name.

That does make it more complicated as you do have the right to say no.

Given that it is ‘your’ house and your partner moved in with you and your children, I’m going to buck the trend and say YANBU. If he wants his son to live with him, he needs to get his own place. Does he pay 50/50?

It should mean that.

@Createausername1970 the OP has already said it's a 3 bed council house and it's only her name on the tenancy.

If the house is in your name/tenancy than the obvious answer is for your DP to move out and get a place for him and his DS to live.

You can still date and see each other, and your DP can stay at yours when DS visits his mum, but you both need to put your DC first.

No parent should tell their own child they can’t live with them when they want to unless there’s an extremely mitigating circumstance; surely you must be able to see how awful it would be for your DSS to be rejected by his Dad?

And your DC shouldn’t be forced to live in an overcrowded housing situation because you’ve got yourself a boyfriend who comes with a child.

Put your children first, please.

Yes I’m confused why that’s something to withhold.

You are effectively saying your kids are more important though and that he can never live there. If you say it doesn't work now it's not going to magically work in the future so yes he needs to move out and house himself and his son properly.

So he keeps saying "it will work out" but isn't actually making any plans to do the work to make it work out?

He sounds like the type of person who will "make a cake" with no ingredients and no oven

Things need to be PLANNED especially if they are permanent

"DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense"

If this was your child, you'd make it work and you wouldn't care how.

im Massively judging your DP for moving somewhere where his son doesn’t have a designated space that belongs to him!

Your partner needs to find his own tenancy so he can accommodate his son.

You are saying your kids matter more.

His child is just as important and if you aren’t willing to see that he should leave so he can provide a stable home for his child.

Nailed it!

How can any of us “say how” as you’ve requested, if we don’t have all of the details needed? Sex, number of kids, ages etc. how long have you been together. Is he the father to any of your children?

Living in overcrowding makes a huge difference to your question.
But it is still hard to offer thoughts on your situation practically, without crucial information (how many people currently live there, are they family, are they children, is it permanent or temporary).

the council housed you and your own children in this house with a sole tenancy. If you’ve chosen to over occupy the house that’s a choice for you. However to add another full time teenager to the mix would be detrimental to your own kids I imagine. So partner moves out back to wherever he came from or to somewhere new and takes his son with him

yes, and I edited my post accordingly.

She posted her update while I was in the process of typing my post.

Hopefully his son is important enough that he's making plans to move out, so he can live with him🤞🏾.