To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

I've got deja vu. There is a similar thread running on relationships atm. 🤔

The answer is the same. The man is responsible for housing his own child, not just squeezing him into an already full home. To the detriment of the woman and children whose home it is.

Yeah, I think he needs to find a place for him and his son.

Your dp sounds like a shit dad. Moving in with you knowing his son won’t have a space to stay. I would expect him to sort out his own accommodation and move in when the kids an adult. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t look after his child.

Not really lots of men don’t ‘take on someone’s kids’ mostly not unless it suits them and things are of interest to them.
I wouldn’t call the OP’s partner taking on her kids, because despite that one has to live with the other often in cases where one moves in with the other, when you get down to the official side of things, it’s OP’s home not her partners, so he has moved in with her so also gets a home, so the kids come with the set up.
Bearing in mind this is a council home too, I have seen many men move in like this.

I think in this situation you can not move of course and you don’t ever want to give up a council place, they are like gold dust now. So in that case the partner will have to get somewhere for him and his child.
You won’t find many men out there who will provide a home and the rest, for a woman and her kids.
I’n guessing he will be like many who didn’t want to have to do that.

I know of a few who never sorted anything for their kids then used their gf’s homes to have their kids over, and the benefits pay the rent, but these men work full time in skilled jobs. Makes my blood boil it really does.

As you won't say how many children currently occupy the house or if they are male/female it does not look like you want us to help devise a solution.
You don't want him there full stop.

DP, so he isn't even your husband? You should split up or just live seperately in that case. Unless you've made the error of having more children with him.

Hell would freeze over before anyone dictated to me whether my own children could live with me or not. And I could never respect or be attracted to a man who let that happen either.

Yes, @Oblahdeeoblahdoe, your DP needs to sort this out. He may need to move out in order to give his DS a home if you literally have nowhere for him to sleep.

Your partner has your children 24/7 yet you refuse to have his? Disgraceful

You’ll have to squeeze in. How old are your children? Can they share. Where was DP
living before the lived together.

Will dp take up the slack for extra washing, ensuring homework is done running ds to clubs.

Cynical me - is it to save money? Does he pay his way in the household, or is he a mn cliche - homeless man who’s found a single woman with her own home?

YANBU, he shouldn’t have moved in with you knowing there wouldn’t be adequate space for his son.

He needs to move out to somewhere his son can live with him. Although will he still be so keen for his son to live with him when all the housework and parenting is on him?

Although it may be something serious if DSS would rather sleep on your sofa than live at his mums. If that’s the case I would allow it temporarily while DP gets sorted.

This.

also what's the point if a thread if you don't want to give pertinent like how ant kids you have their ages.

BUT it's YOUR tenancy, time for DP to get his own place if he wants his DS to live with him.

What makes you think he was forced to move in with OP and her children in full knowledge that there was not space for his DS?

The child's father needs to get his own tenancy for him and his son.

He’s his child and that has to be his priority so you’re unreasonable to think you can say no and continue with the same situation. If he’s a decent dad then he’ll sort a place for himself and his son.

Can't tell if YABU from OP's posts.

How many shared DC are there? How many your DC from a previous relationship?
How long have you and DP lived together?

You don’t need to split up but you may have to live separately if you can’t accommodate all DC under one roof.

Why would you move this man in?!

This sort of thing blows my mind, you didn’t need to move him in! You will be worse off financially and emotionally, as will your kids.

He needs to move out and provide somewhere for his son to live. You need to focus on your own kids well being, they are your priority.

Make a list of everything he would need to do and tell him he will be doing it, not you otherwise he’ll just carry on as usual. It is of course normal for his son to want to move in but will this turn into a bouncing back and forth between parents if things don’t go his way at either home.
You need a big conversation about this with both your partner and his son to outline very clean expectations and the responsibilities he will have going forward. Good luck it’s a tricky situation.

So, you're still being quite vague. Your partner's son is 14. How old are your children? What is the split of boys /girls
How many people are living currently in the 3 bedroom house?
As it's your house and I'm assuming that you're not married, if you so wish then your dp can move out and have his ds living with him full time if there really isn't a way to make the space work (age differences etc )
Then, if it's more a case of your children are much younger and you don't want a teen living there, your dp needs to explain how he's expecting it to work , or you're again looking at dp moving out.
Unfortunately you've partnered with a man with a 14 year old so it would always have been a possibility, blending families doesn't magically work the way either part of the partnership wants. Are they actually looking at more a 50/50 arrangement and he'd be going to his mum's at different times anyway.
You won't be able to actually prevent it (unless you decide that neither of them are living in your house) so best to have an open discussion about what this new idea looks like.

Is her partner feeding cleaning up after. Taking her kids to school. It's always the woman who has to make it work. Stick to your guns it's your house your children's house and there's no room

It's something to consider when you marry a man with children. This eventuallity could happen one day. Why have you got so many people living with you, besides your own kids? Could you apply for a larger council house?

Sounds like you’re trying to avoid declaring that your partner lives with you if only your name is on the tenancy?
this is fraud.
sort this out first.
then work out how your partner legally houses himself and his child.

He has a responsibility to his child. HE has to make it work. What if he said that one of your children had to leave because there isn't space? I put he in capitals because this is his problem to solve. What's he's saying now is too vague and is just not good enough.

Quite frankly you need to make it work and he shares a room. Yeah your child won’t like it but that’s what you get when you are in a relationship with someone who has children