To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Honestly i feel like if you will end of doing most of the work then it shouldn't be difficult to say no, it's not fair on you and your kids. He has a mum who is actually caring for him and has space and he has been living with her all this time, yes if you had space or your partner could afford to pay for you all to move to a bigger property and take some responsibility and help you then yes but otherwise it is not practical when he has a place already with his mum. If he really wants to live with him the he needs to step up and it shouldn't fall fall on you.

He currently has a place to live, presumably agreed with both parents prior to this point. Of course they have to provide for him but that doesn't mean he gets to choose, especially when the alternative is so unsuitable . And as for it being reviewed in 4 years time - try getting a young, single man alternative accommodation at that point and you will find there are very few options. OP could end up with a possibly volatile young man - she has mentioned behaviour problems already - and no way out.

Of course OP’s children are allowed to live there. They’re her children, and it’s her house. Op, even if she and her partner were married, would not be responsible for housing his son. That’s on her partner.

She absolutely is allowed to call the shots as to who lives in her house. If her partner doesn’t like it then he can move out and house his son himself.

It does make you wonder why a 14 year old boy would ask to live permanently at his dad's already overcrowded house with 5 other kids. He doesn't even have a bed there. He must be having a pretty shit time at home if he's asking to give up his space and privacy at home in favour of staying in a cramped space at OPs house

@FoxLoxInSox really? You read the thread and then invented a story? Madness.

Honestly I get it. Sometimes I cba to read all the replies but I do read op posts as easy to do that

I wonder if the boy actually loves spending time with his step brothers. We don’t know what his home life is like. Maybe he is lonely and would welcome some companionship even if it is in an overcrowded house.

Teenagers are far more vulnerable to the effects of divorce and separation than toddlers. This scenario threatens to leave the child with a life long sense of rejection by his father, and possibly without a role model when he most needs to be learning how to be a man. It needs very careful handling.

You have no idea how involved he has been in this boy's life. Believe it or not, there are men who have next to no involvement. This man doesn't have the best track record from what we've been told.

Sounds like sensible advice to me.

FGS the boy wants to live with his father. The father wants to live with his son. What evidence do you have that this father has had no involvement in his son’s life?

There is no dedicated room for his son in the house he calls home

That to me screams uninvolved parent because why would you move to somewhere there is no room for your child?

He sounds good enough for the OP to keep having child.after child with him...

There is that..........

Yes and we can all afford seven bedroom houses when we need them.

No you don’t get it. CBA = Can’t Be Arsed.

I could be arsed. I always RTFT because I am arsed. I’d got 3 pages in & was pulled away unexpectedly from my 5minute tea break (masquerading as a lunch break) to see to a suicidal patient.

My error was in adding my quick comment, so as not to upset the RTFT police or be accused of not BA (not being arsed).

He didn't have to move into an overcrowded home he could have kept his own home even if he didn't live in it full time he made a choice the child is the one living with his actions

@Theunamedcat house is overcrowded due to the joint children they had. Who would have an additional 3 children when there aren’t enough bedrooms for them

They don't need 7 bedrooms... they realistically need 4 though. Theirs, largest room for oldest 3 boys, another room for youngest 2 boys and a small room for the toddler (girl).

If they can't afford to house their children... they shouldn't keep having children

It’s a bit late now for that advice. The children are here now.

🙄 Well spotted

I was clearly responding that they don't need 7 bedrooms though and maybe the OP will stop churning out kids she can't house going forward and these 2 parents might slap their heads together and cop on for the sake of all their children. I would have given the advice had the OP written a post 10 years ago.

This - having more children is totally irresponsible.

Most of us can’t, and we take that into account when deciding how many children to bring into the world.

Tbf there has been more than one who has. Mention council housing and it's like lighting a sparkler

My ex and his wife did. They had 2 each. Then had 3 more. Apparently she couldn't cope with the 5 that lived with them so he quit work. Then they decided he couldn't afford maintenance for the 2 I have with him. They also didnt have enough space in the house so my 2 couldn't go on day trips/holidays. They didnt have enough space in the house so they were never allowed over for more than a few hours here and there.

DC don't see him anymore. Which is his loss.