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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say we cant take his child full time?

767 replies

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:23

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

OP posts:

tinyspiny · 14/04/2026 17:36

Why is his relationship with his child less important than your relationship with yours @DuvetInTheDaytime , as that is basically what you are saying . I assume his child has a mother so the likelihood is the most he would get is 50/50 and you should be supportive of that or split up and let him be the parent he wants to be .

Raindropskeepfallingon · 14/04/2026 17:36

Well if there’s not room then maybe one of your kids should move out and just stay on weekends so there’s space?

Unless the son is an adult then I think his Dad is as responsible for housing him as you are for your kids - you either move or split up or budge up and make space.

Everybodys · 14/04/2026 17:36

caffelattetogo · 14/04/2026 17:26

He should be able to be with his dad full time, but that doesn’t have to be with you. You should both prioritise your own children.

This about sums it up. Possibly the two of you won't be able to continue living together, which is unfortunate but that's how it goes sometimes.

dunroamingfornow · 14/04/2026 17:36

YABU. He lives with your children. His son should be able to live there if he wants.

Roads · 14/04/2026 17:36

Sirzy · 14/04/2026 17:29

Would you let him say your children couldn’t live with you full time?

if you combine families you need to be willing to have all children living with you if necessary.

Exactly this. You can't pick and choose which children you allow to live with you.

Hopefulsalmon · 14/04/2026 17:37

YABU and if you can't make this work then separating is the only fair option.

AnnaQuayRules · 14/04/2026 17:37

YABU. Your DC live with you, his DC wants to live with him. Why do your DC take priority over his?

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 17:38

You're missing lots of context here - ages of children, who owns the house you live in, how bedroom arrangements work when he does stay - it would help if you could fill in those details.

That said, ALL of the children need to come first (presuming they are all children and not adults) - his child and your children. This is where you need a family meeting to check how viable it is for everyone concerned. If there is broad agreement then it's your job as parents to work out the logistics.

If there isn't broad agreement, then you need to talk about how this child can live with his father - which inevitably means either him moving out to live with his child or vice versa. I accept the latter might be more difficult as you doubtless don't want to uproot your children, but as I say, as a parent, it's his and your job to find a way to make it work so that ALL of the children are being treated equitably and have a roof over their heads where they are safe and looked after.

MintTwirl · 14/04/2026 17:38

You know this could be a possibility when you enter a relationship with someone who has children. Anything could happen meaning that the child needs to come and live with his other parent.
If you don’t want this to happen then you need to have seperate homes. I hope your partner is a good dad and prioritises his own child here.

SocialSkills00 · 14/04/2026 17:38

Your DP should put his child first.

If you’re not ok with that you should end the relationship.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/04/2026 17:38

YABU, you are expecting your own kids to live in your home so his should be able to too. You knew this was a possibility when you decided to live with someone with kids.

nomas · 14/04/2026 17:41

I think we need more info

How many kids do you have, ages and sexes
how many kids does DP have, ages and sexes
how many bedrooms in the house
whose house is it
what is the bills/rent/food split

MeganM3 · 14/04/2026 17:41

Who’s in the house? How many bedrooms? How old is your partners child and how old are your kids.

It is probably just a phase. He’d most likely miss his mum and his home. If it even came to it. His mum might not let him. Again hard to know without knowing his age.

Waftaround · 14/04/2026 17:42

@DuvetInTheDaytimeif you can’t house all of your shared children then you either need to all move somewhere larger or you need to live separately.
Who owns/rents the house you’re currently in and where does he stay at the moment when he’s with you?

If his son would be happier living with his dad or staying there more then that needs to happen.

You are being selfish and if your partner allows you to block this then he’s a shitty father.

Namingbaba · 14/04/2026 17:42

I understand not wanting to do it but your discomfort doesn’t outweigh the issues it would cause to turn him down. Just think how he’d feel being told no when your children live with you both (presumably that’s what you mean by a full house).

Mangelwurzelfortea · 14/04/2026 17:42

Need ages and sexes - and size of house/number of bedrooms, where they all go to school - for more of a clue as to whether this would work or not.

In principle, yes, kids should be able to live with either parent. But if it's going to be an absolute shitshow then that might not be in anyone's best interests.

deserthighway · 14/04/2026 17:42

YANBU blended families seldom work out in the long term.

I'm assuming your DP moved into your house? To be honest, I'd be worried that i'd been targeted for the house and potential domestic/nanny advantages.

Has he thought about getting a house big enough for all of you? What is your current housing situation.

BetterWithPockets · 14/04/2026 17:43

Needmorelego · 14/04/2026 17:26

I think if you are in a relationship with someone who has a child you should always be prepared to potentially have that child living with you.
Would you being saying no if his mother had died?

This.
(I have two stepchildren btw.)

Notonthestairs · 14/04/2026 17:43

Has your partner moved in to your house? How long have you been together? Mixed finances?

I can understand not wanting to disrupt your kids current routines.

But I’d also anticipate that he’d move out so that he can be with his son full time.

Original poster

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:43

ok wasnt expecting quite so many replies so quickly

just to answer some things as people are asking

he is 14 (DS) and yes he has a mum obviously I havent said she doesnt? shes still around this isnt that situation (people saying what if she died thats not whats happening here)

my kids do live with me full time yes

house is a 3 bed council house in clacton and its in my name (tenancy) DP lives here with me

there are already quite a few of us here im not going to list everything straight away but its not like its just 1 or 2 kids and loads of space (we havent got space thats my point really)

when he stays now he either goes on the sofa or shares and that already causes arguments so I dont get how full time would suddenly be fine?

people saying I should leave I think thats abit extreme? im just asking if its doable not saying he can never see his dad again

behaviour wise I didnt say hes awful but he isnt easy either and I dont think its fair to just ignore that part because it DOES affect the others here

DP just keeps saying it will work out but im the one that ends up sorting everything (good, washing, school stuff etc) so thats why im stressing about it

im not saying my kids matter more I just think practically it has to actually WORK for everyone not just in theory

and no its not about me “not liking him” someone said that which isnt fair at all

I havent said no just that I dont see HOW right now and no ones really said how either just that I should

hope that makes sense (prob not explained it great)

OP posts:

Bunnybackinherwarren · 14/04/2026 17:43

We had a house full.. Including 4 ddogs. Numerous other dc. Teen ds announced he wanted to move full time.
I was at work. I rang dh.. Before the end of the call he was in his car going to collect my ds.
Yabu op.

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 17:44

Yes the son should live with dad. It sounds like it might mean your relationship is over or you need to move
whose house is it you live in?

DalmationalAnthem · 14/04/2026 17:45

Who owns the house?

He needs to get his own property (or you move out if it's your boyfriends house) and parent his child. It will hurt his kid knowing he chooses to be a weekend father but lives full time with some until related kids.

You can enjoy dating without the house drudgery or making all the kids be involved.

Edited as I saw it's your house. He needs to get his own property.

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 17:46