To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

It may or not be fraud depending on who is paying the rent. It could be fraud if the rent is funded from benefits. There is not enough evidence given to decide if there is anything dodgy about the financial arrangements of this couple. Best not to draw conclusions on limited evidence though nothing wrong with asking the question. (Don’t expect an answer though)

Exactly. YABU and I'm sort of amazed you can't immediately see that.

You do know you can have a joint claim and not put someone on a tenancy, don't you? It's a thing.

Honestly, I'd be telling the partner that yes, he's right his son should be able to live with him so why doesn't he get his own place and live there with his son? Your house, your rules and don't let him guilt you otherwise, unless he's sticking like glue to a fair rota of childcare and household jobs (which he won't, I know his type). You have a 9 year old with him and he only fully moved in a year ago and still doesn't pull his weight? Nope. Absolutely not. I know firsthand that single parenting is easier than coparenting with a manbaby. Of course he thinks it'll all work out because it always does. Be use of you, not him. Get rid. I'm speaking from experience here. You'll be better off, they've gotten rid of the 2 kid limit now so as long as the unwashed, toothless Wetherspoons crew don't vote Reform in, you'll definitely stay that way. Good luck.

Think yourself lucky, I woke up one day and my husband had moved my nightmare 15 year old SD had moved in overnight while I was sleeping.....

She made my life hell for 6 or 7 years, but she's 29 now and like a best friend!!!

I mean think about this. You're a boy. You desperately feel like you need ypur dad, but he won't let you stay because he already has a replacement family. Happens all the time. Or what if it was your kid who wanted to live with your full time, but your partners children got primacy? It may be time for family counseling just to get around the resentment that is barreling your family's way.

That is absolutely NOT the same thing as the situation this person is in.

This. 100% the guy is obviously one of those guys that is more interested in having a girlfriend/regular sex than being a parent. And as for you OP stop bloody having kids, for the love of God!!!

The problem is you keep having kids you can’t afford to house properly. Why these people come looking for sympathy is beyond me.

Well that's a good story then surely?

OP is not coming back to this thread. She is probably getting pregnant as we speak.

First of all you and your husband need to find out why his son wants to move in full time with his Dad. It could be just a whim to get away from his Mum's rules or it could be something serious that needs further investigation. If after a bit of communication it's still on the cards, move everyone around to accommodate. Make it clear that there are ground rules in this home as well but ultimately your husband will need to be more active as a parent as well.

It depends. If your husband is a equal partner with you so will be at least 50% responsible for making it work then yes you should agree. If the plan is that you will end up dealing with 90% of tge extra work and uoheaval that is not fair on you or any of the children. So start by sitting down and help him to formulate an actual plan.

Lots of information missing re SS home life though while I’ve read most I might have missed some info. OP is however correct. No room and her life would become unbearable with another child in the house which would be her total responsibility. This would affect all the children so a balance needs to be struck even if it seems a bit unfair but we don’t always get what we want. OP sounds lovely with a messy loving family that SS wants to be part of but there doesn’t seem a compelling need so for the moment things have to stay the same. It’s not clear that being with his dad is his main reason for wanting to be part of this family. He’s not homeless and by all accounts has a loving caring mum but a more structured (boring?) home life. I’m sure OP will accommodate his visits as best she can as she has up to now.

goodness people on the internet can be vile can’t they 🙄 did your parents not teach you if you had nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all? anyway I digress…

OP yanbu to say it can’t practically work right now given your current set up, however yabu not try to take steps to resolve that.
I hear people saying that it should be down to DP but you are the tenant so the administrative side of it will fall down to you.

1. contact the council see if the can put you down for transfer for a 4 bed.
2. register on homeswapper or check facebook for council house swaps

you'll likely have a better chance with an mutual exchange in my experience. then you’ll have a bedroom for the adults, DD a bedroom and 3 boys in one room 2 in the other.

I would make it DPs responsibility sort out the logistics, packing up, sorting removals etc when the time comes.

and to the person who said your committing tenancy fraud - absolute codswallop! that’s not how council tenancy’s work unless you have a starter / time limited tenancy, the tenancy’s yours unless you give it up or a judge evicts you for a tenancy breach and yes overcrowding can be a tenancy breach but i don’t know a judge in the land that would be sticking you and your 6 kids on the street for having more kids than bedrooms 😂

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