To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

Of course your kids matter more in this; it’s your home for a start!

You don’t have to separate but maybe discuss him finding his own place for him and his kid. It will be less stressful for you both and you can still see each other.

You do take on someone else’s kids when you get with them, but you didn’t sign up for the child moving in. You’ve been pretty decent so far.

This.....

YANBU OP, it’s your house, where your children live. If he’s that concerned he should rent his own place for him and his son.

if you were to ever split, I’d imagine it would feel 10x more difficult asking him and his son to leave.

It's your house @DuvetInTheDaytime so the obvious solution is your dp moves out and sets up home for himself and his son. You can still date.

Not always, I know of a few cases where the couples do not live together. And despite whether they have kids together or not. Have kids from previous. And the man uses the gf’s place to
have his kids lol that is paid for by the benefits, to me this is wrong.

But yes if you are fully committed preferably married and living together, and as is often the case if the child/ren live with their mother. I don’t think everyone would consider that those children might have to come and live with them, but it’s of course possible if anything happened to the main carer.

The thing I would say is that it’s no good OP’s partner sorting something out at some point. If things are cramped now, then this needs to be sorted out first.
Otherwise in these kinds of situations I have seen it happen before, where the man will just leave it as it is. And then it will cause stress/rows within the household

That responsibility isn't on the OP to make it possible for him to live with his son full-time.

It is yhe child's dad's responsibility to organise that.

The OP has already documented the reasons why having DP's son living with them full time would be seriously problematic forbher and her children.

I don’t agree you take on someone else’s kids - there are a variety of situations

the same people that say this say “don’t be a nanny with a fanny” and also deny step parents any say in anything

none of this adds up - can’t have it both ways

seems like another deadbeat dad who’s hooked up with a woman who has her own place so he could have somewhere to live
that’s the usual scenario

where was he living before he moved in with you OP

did he have his own place for him and his son or was he in a shared house / lodger

or was he crashing at his parents

either way it’s your house and perfectly within your rights to say No and to be honest I don’t blame you I would feel exactly the same

your not responsible for giving your DP son a home , your DP is.
I judge him not you

Usual ending to this is that most likely your DP will eventually agree as he won’t want to give up his home with you

he will lose his relationship with his son eventually

💯

If your name is on the tenancy, I think it would be wise if your DP found his own
property to accommodate himself and his son? Less arguing and no one sleeping on the sofa? Otherwise it will be arguing and bickering permanently. What do you think OP?

Yes! Also - what if dp leaves!!! His son could end up being there without him!

The issues are clear but that doesn’t mean a father should say no if his child wants to live with him. As a parent he should always make every effort to provide a home for his son. He’s already letting his son down by leaving him to sleep on a sofa. How does that make the boy feel wanted?

None of this is your fault at all or your responsibility but if you want to continue living together then you’ll need to be part of the solution. Living together might not be possible.

To be fair, it does work for your DP because you do all the work
you have to decide if it works for you too

It’s your tenancy, so it’s ‘your’ house not his. He shouldn’t have moved in in the first place imo. He needs to move out, and find somewhere for himself where his son can stay/live. Absolutely unfair to all the kids involved to move a man in, and now attempt a blended situation when the kids have no space, and no say.

YABU.

If your dp felt it would be better one of your dc didn't live with you, how would you take that? You'd be ok, as long as they could pop in for the odd day?

His ds is as entitled to live with his parent as yours are. He's already part of your household, the issue is that you haven't seen it until now.

It's her tenancy., everyone assuming it's her OH.

Ok so he has to live with a few of your kids but you can't live with one of his.
If it's your house he needs to move out

Why does he want to move in with you? It seems like an arrangement already exists where he lives with his mum. Why is thst no good any more? I don't see why you need to roll over to accommodate your partner's son unless there is an incredibly good reason or him leaving his mum. The impact on you and your family in your house will be huge. Kids normally don't get to choose where they live.

I think you need to ask again, specifically, how it’s going to work. E.g. where will he sleep, who will be taking him to school and all the rest of it. Because it sounds a bit like his “we’ll make it work” could easily turn into “you’ll make it work” which is a different thing. If he’s prepared to pick up the slack I don’t think you can say no though.

It's OP's home.
Perhaps DP should leave & find somewhere to live with his child.

As soon as you tell him that you completely understand and he needs to act on his son’s wishes by moving out and finding somewhere suitable, he will change so quick the light will blind you! Imagine having to provide accommodation, buy food, cook,
clean, organise school stuff etc etc,
thats not on his radar! Do not fall for it OP put your foot down, call his bluff.

Dad needs to move out and get a property for him and his son.

Overcrowding won’t help anyone.

Ah, I've just seen the update that it's your house, not a shared home. That changes things a lot.

Probably best your dp moves out and finds somewhere with his ds. I'm shocked he moved into a home where his dc couldn't live with him.

Where was he living before he moved into your house with you and your children?

A 14 year old needs their own room, or at a stretch to share with one same sex, close in age sibling, ideally only if they've shared since childhood and get on reasonably, not with dad's girlfriend's son/s. So them living with you really isn't feasible.

This is on your "DP" - he should never have moved in somewhere where his son can't stay except on the sofa, until his son is an adult. He is a bad parent. That's not your mess, but it doesn't bode well - hopefully none of your children are his?

It’s her house!!! The do has jus joined her in her bedroom..he doesn’t get to say when her children live with her because she has accommodated them in her own house