To say we cant take his child full time?

[DuvetInTheDaytime]

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

YABU. How would you feel if he told you how often your children could stay in the home?

I don’t get how everyone on these sorts of posts says you must you must- it’s easily explained why he can’t - it’s actually your j house and your tenancy - so the answer is “it’s not possible because I don’t have my own place”

I think people that say you must at any cost are u realistic - those people
also say don’t be a nanny with a fanny!

if you feel also your dp will leave you to do the parenting work it’s a definite no no

and yes his current behaviour does matter!!

your dp needs to be realistic and clear about how it may work - he could always go and rent somewhere else to accommodate him

I actually agree, you need to know how it's going to work. Where will DSS sleep for a start? Will he have to change schools? Will DP be doing extra childcare, school runs,housework, cooking etc? Until he can address these issues the answer has to be no. If DP really wants to live with his DS then he needs to get his own place.

This

It’s her bloody house!!!

So it’s your house, does he contribute to rent / bill?. If you boyfriend wants to have his son live with him he needs to either move out and get a two bedroom for the two of them, or you need to move to a bigger house together?

He can’t because it’s her house

she still made the choice to move someone in knowing that it was making a situation where all the children couldn’t be housed though.

The solution is he moves out then. You can't just say sorry no you can't live with your dad because he's living with me and my children now. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with a man who would put other peoples children above his own.

Yep, and the reality is that people who live in their partner's home when they're not married can't be choosers.

Omg - no!

he needs to find a two bed place and provide for his son - he’s in her house!

Why did he move in if space was already an issue?

I don’t think this DP should ever have moved in and that is on him. He has a dc to look after and he isn’t able to provide accommodation at moment for temporary visitation let alone full time. It is definitely your DP’s problem to sort it isn’t yours. He needs accommodation with more space.

Surely HE should leave if he wants to put his child first? I'm willing to bet if it's him having to manage behaviour and childcare, DS would be instantly 'better off with his mother'. It's astounding how much men more men want to parent when they have a partner to do most of the hard bits day to day.

That's why he can't say more than 'we'll make it work'. He doesn't KNOW how. He has no idea WHAT he's 'making work'. He's never done it, and he isn't going to do it now.

It would depend on a lot of things.
how old is your ss
how Will your partners work be balanced around his son
what part of the extra load are you expected to pick ip
where will he sleep
is school close

this came up with my sd once and I was prepared to make it work but the sacrifice was all
mine not her parents. It was decided by her not to move in the end which I was thank ful of and the next time it came up I was very much do what you like but don’t involve me ( dh was never involved in the day to day of my 2)

So imagine your DSS is living with you full time. What steps would you need to take to make it work for everybody? Can you carve your house up differently so everyone has their own space? Can you move to somewhere bigger? Are there aspects of having your DSS there all the time that you would actually enjoy? Do you need to work on building your relationship with him so you can get along better? These behaviour issues - if all behaviour is communication, what is he trying to say? Are you actually struggling to cope with things as they are and it would feel like one more thing to break the camel's back?

Very true, and I'm surprised more posters haven't picked up on this. DP is showing zero indication that he's prepared to take on an equal share of the work of managing the situation. Which is quite rich for someone whose tenancy it isn't.

That’s a bit harsh.

Let’s be realistic. Who do you think is going to take in the most of the parenting of this child? I doubt it will be dad. If mum is already overwhelmed it’s sensible not to add to that right now.

So you have managed to house your children.

Your DP hasn't managed to arrange accommodation for himself or his child.

He's moved in to your home, and space is tight.

He now wants to move his son into your home, and make a tight, uncomfortable situation even tighter.

If his son moves it with you, he'd stop paying maintenance. Yay for him.

OP, don't do it! You have a cocklodger who is cuckooing your nest.

Are your kids from a previous relationship or joint ones with DP? That could affect the advice you get.

If just your kids and it's your house the logical thing is that DP gets his own place so he can have his son living with him. You keep your council house and your kids keep their space. Cynically I wonder how appealing the idea will be if he doesn't have you on hand to cook, clean and launder for his son. And what does the lad's mother think? Is he trying to avoid paying CM do you think?

If your kids are joint then it's not as simple as breaking up the family household and you both need to explore how it would work, not just a vague "we'll make it work" by which he seems to mean you! Can you move to a bigger house?

It's okay to feel overwhelmed with the prospect OP. It's an upheaval in your life where you end up doing a lot of the heavy lifting and trying to figure out HOW it will work when it barely works on a weekend must be incredibly stress inducing. However, you'd be very unreasonable to say no.

if you can't or won't accommodate his son And the house is your council house Then he will have to move out and find somewhere that he can have his son with him full time. How do you feel about that? Or do you want him to not be able to have his son full time but be with your kids full time??

If you won’t lay out the number of kids/rooms in the house, then it sort looks like you do have space but you just don’t want to be told that. How can you expect meaningful answers if you withhold meaningful descriptions?

Oh don’t be silly - it’s her house and her dp joined her because he literally only takes the other side of her bed

it is not “their” house

why on earth is she responsible? why isn’t it that DP should have said no and got his own place so he could accommodate his children if need be - it’s not her issue to solve - or why isn’t he saying that now

She told you already he would need to sleep on sofa or share so we already know