To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

My Dad's much younger half brother is like this.

Dad nagged his parents for years to get him diagnosed with autism / adhd. His own father was a recluse from age 50 and kept lists of everything. Again never diagnosed. My uncle is obsessed with football. But when offered the his favourite team didn't want to because it's more the scores and the data he likes.

My grandfather died and my step grandmother slowly deteriorated. My dad persuaded them to register my uncle as carer merely to get his NI stamp. In reality she was still caring for him.

When she died it's been a disaster. He has to sell the house and downsize but he's not making the effort. He thought £7000 would last for years. He had no idea. My parents have had to put him in touch with various agencies and organisations to try and help him but they are now in their 70s and he lives the other end of the country. He rings them about stupid stuff - to the point that my dad no longer takes his call as he hasn't the patience.

His mother had been in denial for years. She said her friends would look out for him and help him. But of course they won't/haven't.

He's going to run into financial issues at some point and won't cope well with the DWP. He's no chance of getting a job at this point.

My parents have made a point of keeping me out of the picture in case he outlives them (he's 24 years younger than them so it's likely). They don't want me having to deal with it.

I think my Gf thought there was nothing amiss and just thought he was stupid (that's not the word he used). So he didn't think there was anything to diagnose. And that's dominated the family - if he didn't allow it, it wouldn't happen.

It's a right mess.

What the benefit system we all pay into so that its there if any of us might need it. Your life can change in an instance, anyones can. I am more then happy for 6% of what I pay in tax to give me that reassurance

My brother would have been one of these people had my mum not forced him out the house. I’m the youngest and I was already long gone so I don’t know much of what went on but I can imagine he was terrified (very likely neurodiverse) and she was probably extremely worried.
It did work out as he’s gone on to have a ‘normal’ life. He has a home and a partner and children. I don’t think he’d have any of that if my mum hadn’t done the difficult thing of making him move out. He’d still be in his childhood bedroom hiding from the world.

Yes. 2 reasons-ND wasn't really noted until fairly recently (in the 90s, hardly anyone in mainstream school had a diagnosis, now there are a lot of people).
Also pretty much everyone used to get married and move out-it was seen as weird not to be married by 25, older people tell me. Now it is not at all unusual for people not to. Part of this is a lack of jobs/how expensive things are.

Thought I'd give some input from the other side....

The family I came from appears/appeared 'normal', educated and middle class. Appearances were everything, particularly to my mother.

However, there was a lot of abuse that seeped down generationally. There is also mental illness and nd.

My grandfather sexuallt abused my aunt and quite possible abused me as I was left with him often. My father also sexually abused me. Both me and my siblings were verbally abused.

When I tried to speak out in my early 20s my mother did everything to discredit me including telling people I had a personality disorder and accusing me of bullying her for.simply wanting to talk about what happened.

I was lucky in that I went to stay with a family and I ended up in a rented flat though I was unable to work due to trauma and undiagnosed health issues.

My mother did everything to sabotage including making sure she spoke alone with a social worker who then told me to 'go back and let your mother take care of.you'.

Well, I am stubborn and stayed put. I then did everything I could to seek help including seeing a psychiatrist, taking medication and undertaking regular therapy.

However, therapists then (18 years ago) were not that informed about early developmental trauma and dissociation and i experienced a lot of hostility and disbelief as to my symptoms and the level.of abuse I experienced. I was also groomed by a therapist at this time who encouraged an enmeshed relationship but that is another thread.

I experienced some very dodgy therapists/psychiatrists, both private and nhs. Some were downright abusive (though many people don't like to talk about the issue around harmful therapy) and slowly both my mental and physical health got worse and worse. It did not help that I was disbelieved concerning my.physical health symptoms due to being diagnosed with MH conditions when it transpired I had a genetic condition and other physical illnesses which were left to progress.

In the meantime the flat I rented became more and more dilapidated as the landlord made it clear I was a second class citizen due.to having to claim benefits. The same happened with builders who were told.of.my situation by them and spoke to me accordingly. In this time I managed an evening class and excelled. But the damage to my physical and mental health forced me to give up as I couldn't travel or sit for.long enough. Funding then ran out with a nice therapist who was the first to at least understand a little of what I lived with.

I begged and begged for.more support. Wrote letters, got my therapist to write letters but there is no help to be had. I simply do not fit the systems idea of a vulnerable person as I have perfected masking (to.my detriment) and come across as 'middle class'. This despite pages upon pages of written reports from therapists etc.

And so, although I had no contact with family for a number of years I am now in the process of moving back to my mother's as rent is rising faster than I can afford and there is no social housing.

Anyone on the outside would have no idea as to the extent of the abuse and dysfunction within the family. It makes me.sad to think there are those judging me as they are judging those on this thread.

You never know what people are struggling with. And the assumption that there is help out there to enable those like me to live independently is not alway correct. I have first hand experience of the system and it is pretty much non-existnent for those like me despite fighting for years.

Same with mine. Was given a deadline of his 19th birthday to get his shit together after a year spent sitting in his room gaming and sleeping all day. He’s got good qualifications now, earns a good salary and owns his own house.

It also used to be fairly normal here, you'd stay in the family home until you got married. I know someone who recently died in her 80s. She never married, and lived with her parents all her life (she did have a job and a life of her own); she died in the house where she was born.

Until they’re mercilessly bullied and are too scared to try again.

I know 8 (all male) people like this in their 40/50 never had girlfriends living with elderly parents who in main do everything for them. 2 are autistic (diagnosed) and have qualification but do not work and do not claim benefits literally live off their mum and dad. It’s pretty terrifying to be honest. Many have older or younger siblings that have moved out and yet the male that remains is fully expecting to inherit the house and all the assets. One has a very elderly mother (85) who still does his washing and cleaning and there was a huge argument with his sister as there was a discussion about wills and he created such a hissy fit when his mother said she intended to leave 25% to his sister (not 50/50 as poor Graham doesn’t have a job) and he demanded she leave him the entire house and all her savings - as he NEEDS to live. Huge falling out an I believe mother has changed her will as he demanded and as a consequence sister now refuses to speak to her brother or her mum. He had a degree and could have worked but chose not to. He gets up at 10 am goes to the pub for lunch (paid for by his mum) sits in the pub all afternoon and then home for dinner. For one set of parents he is 30 but refuses to move out he says he can’t afford rent the truth is he works full time but pisses it up a wall and hasn’t saved 1 p since aged 20 in fact he is £30 K in debt!!! He lives at home and pays no rent. It’s so sad. He came round once and was laughing about it as our son paid us rent aged 25 before he moved out telling him snidely that he hadn’t got us trained and he needed to get ‘more out of the bank’ eg us fortunately our son didn’t listen and moved out and although he sees him he is starting to distance himself.

I know a couple of people who live like this. It surprises me that there are some people who are envious of this lifestyle. It is absolutely shocking. They are NOT living good, or full, lives. Nobody who is mentally well, wants to live like that.

I just wanted to say thank you for highlighting what many people don’t see. It sounds like you have struggled through some very difficult times and despite a lot of effort haven’t managed to get to where you have every right to be in life (independent, at peace etc). I wish you well and hope things improve for you.

I’m not judging this. But is there no alternative other than to go back to your abuser. Church? Lodging? Reporting as homeless etc sexual abuse victim any charities that could support you or churches?

My brother is like this but he has a good job and friends but he also has a serious disability which means its unsafe for him to live completely alone. I think he always felt that he didn't want to burden a woman with looking after him, so he never seriously pursued a relationship. When the time comes and my parents can't help him or they pass then he will come to live with me.

This is my brother living in my mums old flat that she moved out of and has been wanting to sell for years.

He is an odd character that avoids responsibility at all costs. I blame my mum for being too weak to deal with the situation. He's in his 40s now. Feels like such a waste of life. My mum now resents him but will do nothing about it

I don't think so. People have always moved for work and lived away. If anything people become more isolated because they just isolate themselves within the nuclear family. There are so many opportunities out there and people to meet and communities and groups you can become part of but it doesn't happen if you only choose to live at home and socialise with the very few people in your family.

I know there are those with neurodivergent conditions and I'm not discussing them as I have no experience. And I know some people love the idea of multi generational living and how it helps everyone out etc but I've worked in social services for years and seen very few instances where it actually works. And it has certainly been no benefit to my sibling who has absolutely no NT issues and I don't even know why my parents have enabled it. All his friends have moved on with their lives and its hard for him to relate to them now as they have homes, partners and some have children of their own so he's been left behind and he has much fewer friends now. He doesn't know about managing money or a household or any of the life skills that come with it. It's been absolutely no benefit to him whatsoever staying at home well into his 30s. Its completely deskilled and left him behind in life.

And people will say it's not any of my business but it can be galling to see a sibling treated and acting like an eternal youth while the rest of us out working and having responsibility and it's impossible if it's in your immediate family to not get worked up about. Further more, when my parents die, I find it enraging if there's an expectation that I'll have to sort his life out and help him find a flat and sort bills etc because it absolutely won't be happening given I have my own family now that my sibling has shown zero interest in.

Thanks for your reply. To be honest as soon as you have many problems, including mh and physical you start to be viewed as complex and people would be surprised at how.little out there there actually.is if.you're 'simple'. I have thought of joining a.church but travelling and sitting is difficult. And to be honest I've lost faith in most.people, especially 'helpers'.

Luckily.my father is now dead and me and my mother have come to an OK place. We'll, as ok.can be....

Thank you. I didn't believe it myself and was very naive despite my childhood. I honestly thought there would be support. If there is it is minimal and very very hard to access.

Id be sad if my adult kids were living with me for 30 plus years.

Yes, unfortunately this is very close to me. My nephew is 27 and has never worked, other than a seasonal part-time gig. He clearly (to me) is on the spectrum and has anxiety and/or depression and I cannot fathom why his parents haven't done more to encourage him to get help. I have no idea how they think he's going to manage after they go. Two things I feel haven't helped - a very WC attitude to mental health - "we're dealing with this in-house" is one phrase I've heard - and I also feel that his mother has been something of an "Irish mammy" with him. Any suggestion that he take on some responsibility, or be pushed out of his comfort zone, is met with very strong resistance. That's not to say that my brother hasn't contributed to the problem of course - he's incredibly passive and clearly doesn't want to put himself in the firing line, as I suspect he considers it.

That's really sad and similar to my nephew's situation.

My great uncle was like this. He lived with his mother and then my granny - his sister. I actually thought he was my grandad when I was young. He held down a job and tbh I think he was used for his money. He'd have to ask for his pocket money (the money he earned) and it upset my dad. He had a stutter and was shy and got bullied. He'd likely have a diagnosis nowadays. He was looked upon as quite innocent and a bit 'slow' not my words. I feel sad when I think about his life.

Don't rule out the possibility of it leading to something more. There is a huge shortage of practically minded engineers and engineering technicians if he eventually us able to get a relevant HNC, or higher qualification.

Many of us are quirky and/or neurodivergent. Makes for a fairly tolerant environment.

One thing that people haven't mentioned is the way that mental health support has changed over the years. In the 1970s I used to be taken to visit an aunt in a large old psychiatric hospital. She was a lovely lady with quite obvious learning disabilities, and lived in a supported 'cottage' on site with other people in similar circumstances, along with the people with schizophrenia etc. I believe that this would have been true for a proportion of people who were obviously ND, had LD etc. so to some extent they were 'hidden away' unless their family/ wider family supported them, until the 1990s when these places were being shut down.

Sometimes I think this happens 'insidiously'/ accidentally rather than deliberately. I have an autistic son, who managed to get a full time job after A levels. He lives at home, because the job exhausts him, he's not interested in learning domestic tasks and I have very little pull over him now he has his own money (but not enough to rent a place). However, he copes really well when we go away, so perhaps not all is lost! I will continue to at least inform him about how the world works.

I know someone like this. Zero motivation, limited social skills, pleasant-enough person. Lived with his parents until they died and then struggled afterwards.

I think its quite common! Tragedy for the parents!

DP’s cousin is like this. He’s over 50, im 99% sure he’s autistic, he doesn’t even leave the house much. No job, relies on his mother for everything. DS will probably be the same in terms of jobs, he has autism, social anxiety, he hasn’t even gone to college since February because everytime he thinks about it he has a massive panic attack. Although he said he’s open to working from home with a relatively small team but that’s like finding a needle in a haystack. He does go for walks and such though.