To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

It's always been a thing, it's only now people are always commenting on it. It's bizarre to me when these people are probably the least problematic in society just minding their own business that people care so much-assuming the parents are ok with it of course. It's such a non-issue and I'm sure they realise they'll have to move out eventually and will cope just fine.

Hmm. One tried to marry a guy twice her age to escape, then got pregnant and gave her baby to a tenant on their land before eventually removing her and bringing her up herself, another married her cousin for the money and title, and a third died in child birth because her father wouldn't let her go to hospital. Hardly the picture of functional family life.

I suspect the Mothers have something to do with this. If it was left to the fathers, I think they’d be encouraged to leave and be independent. Very odd.

Some really cruel comments on here. First, stop with the parent blame. Second, there were no diagnostic services back in the day so these people existed among us and who took care of them? Their parents!! Most likely their mothers of course.

Yeah! Blame the women.

People who don't work in their productive years are a "drain" on the tax payer. They were costly when they were younger and needed educating and they will be costly when they're older and need pensions and health care. It is the productive middle years between 25 and retirement when they (should) pay the tax that covers this.

Presumably you both got brought up the same though and you ended up with a completely different life. It's more personality and ND, depression, anxiety etc. not parents. I mean they could step in and threaten to kick them out which might work or might make the situation worse.

I’d like not to, but let’s face it, it’s the mothers not kicking them out. From the responses, it seems to relate in the majority to sons.

I have a cousin (female) like this. She is late 30s still lives with her mum, my aunt. No dad in the picture I think he was out of it before she was even born and I think they still live together as company and co-dependants. My aunt never found another partner and I feel my cousin feels a sense of duty as the only child to stick around and entertain etc. I have always wondered if this is maybe more common in single parent-only child households as a sense of duty. I’m unsure my cousin is neurodiverse and she doesn’t seem to have MH problems but she is what most people would consider ‘weird’ but I think that’s also from the single parent-only child codependency

My sister is like this. Lives at home with our Mum.

She's been married, but divorced and moved back home 'temporarily'.

She has worked in the past but lost her job and is making no plans to look for another - she's been out of work for at least the last 2 years.

She sits at home knitting and sewing and watching TV with Mum. I'm glad that she is company for Mum since dad died, but concerned that she makes no contributions to the household at all. She has no income and doesn't claim benefits.

Not in any way neurodivergent. Just very lazy. She once told her husband she didn't want to work and as Mum never did, she didn't see why she had to.

There are a awful lot of undiagnosed neurodivergent adults who find life impossible to navigate who are just left behind.

My brother is like this.

He's in his mid 30s. Fortunately he works full time, and contributes towards all the chores, but he has absolutely zero desire to be independent. He has zero social life outside of work and gaming. Over the past few years, he has developed severe Crohn's disease, so he's even less likely to fly the nest now. As with the vast majority of examples (if not all of them) he is some form of ND (undiagnosed, but it's extremely obvious). I genuinely worry about what he'll do when our parents die.

It's also a case of "there but for the grace of God goes I". I am reasonably certain had I never met my (now) DH at uni I would likely be in the same boat.

“If it was left to fathers”

Such a shame that they weren’t around to sort that shit out.

I worry that my son will be like this. He has AuDHD all he wants to do is game. He has no friends and very poor social and communication skills. He’s going to college in September so hoping he may meet some new friends. Having read through some of these posts I’m going to encourage him to start volunteering in the summer holidays when he’s finished his GCSEs. Anything to help him get “out there” a bit more.

Yeah but the clothes…

What do you mean sorry?

I have a cousin the same. No rent or mortgage, and she spends a lot on holidays and clothes. No mental health issues or neurodiversity.

If his mum needs to go into care I don't think they can make you sell your home to pay for care, if a relative lives with them and it is also their home. When she eventually passes away there will be a bill to pay for the care, and then the home would need to be sold if there was not enough to cover the bill from her estate.

I’m not sure if I’d classify this as being left behind though. It’s on the parents to raise children to go out into the world.

I’m also fully convinced the reason there seem to be more men living like this than women is just down to pure enablement. Young women wouldn’t get away with that sort of behaviour.

I have 2 cases (2 brothers) in my family and I’d definitely blame my uncles for it. One has just started working in his 30s but hates. The other one is 35, never did anything besides an internship. Both finished uni, but my uncles seem to think all jobs were beneath their precious children and just allowed them to do sweet f all for years and years. The only reason one of them got a job is because he finally needed some sort of money to entertain his (predictably too young) girlfriends. The first one broke up as soon as she wised up, the second one is still around.

I had an upper-class boyfriend like this for a while in the 1990s, whom I met as a volunteer on an archaeological dig.

In his 30s, never worked for a living, went to Oxford briefly but couldn't cope with it. Still lived with his parents in the stately home. He was only on the dig because it was nearby and he'd long been curious about the site.

He was interesting, well-read and good company when in the mood, but very child-like and easily daunted by ordinary adult life. Trying to encourage him to be more adventurous had the opposite effect and the relationship soon fizzled out.

Last I heard he still lives in the stately home and hardly ever leaves the estate. Must be a cosy sort of life, if rather lonely.

Yeah sounds an amazing life. I'm so jealous. All i ever wanted to do was stay in one room and live with my parents.
Who would want more from life.

Hopefully I get to die alone and never have to leave the house again.

I remember my Grandmothers brother never left home. He seemed content with a quiet life and did a bit of work as a gardener. I met him a few times and he was a lovely man.

On reflection, I think he was probably gay. I wonder how many people of this era were, and obviously couldn't be open about it or in a relationship. Living with parents would be preferable to living alone for many of them.

Most of the fathers are still there. Just being ineffective.

Was about to post the same.

Years ago, I knew single men who still lived with their mum. Mum needed them, and they needed mum. it does go both ways.
Looking back, those men had mild LD or were autistic.

As always, people just love throwing out generic takes and wild examples of the most extreme cases.

But let me share what it's actually like in my family, because this is real life.

My three youngest siblings — all in their late 20s to early 30s — still live at home with our aging parents, each in their own room just like always. I even keep my old room there, even though I live about five hours away by car (or a little less by train). In our family, we just don't believe in pushing people out the door for no reason. All three of them have jobs — some fully remote, some hybrid — and since home is a farm, they also chip in with farm work on top of that. And thanks to the internet, they're not cut off from anything; the whole world is basically at their fingertips. They've got university degrees that make this kind of lifestyle totally doable, but people around here still seem to be stuck in a 2006 mindset and just haven't caught up yet. Honestly? Welcome to 2026 — remote work is the norm now, you can make a solid living without having to deal with annoying coworkers who spend more time judging you than actually working, and you can dodge a whole lot of unnecessary drama while you're at it.