To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

What are the parents thinking of? This one really is down to their failure to move their children on, with a proper diagnosis if that is what’s appropriate.

I think they’ve always existed — probably more in the past. Now more people are likely to be diagnosed with some form of learning disability or MH condition.

If he gets to 60, the house will be (usually) disregarded, so won't have to be sold to pay for care.

If he doesn't get state pension because of lack of NI credits he will get pension credit. Most old people don't end up in a care home so that's not a given.

Very common in Japan

I don't know what the figures are

My parents have two set of friends with sons like this

I know two people from school and one from later in life who is like this

Actually, there's also a similar case with a lady I worked with, couldn't initially get her daughter out of the house, was successful last I heard of it. But had to spend a stupid amount of money on therapy, etc

Yes, my cousin is just like this, still in his childhood bedroom, listening to music like a teenager. We assume he will just stay there until his elderly parents die and then stay in the house if he can. It’s a sad situation but he’s in his late 50’s and not likely to change now.

I have a cousin like this. In my opinion they're from an era where assessments into behaviour wasn't the normal. Usually undiagnosed autism or similar.
It's very sad but not unusual.

They’ve always existed. Our attitudes have changed. Decades ago it was somewhat more accepted that an adult daughter who didn’t marry would just stay at home with her parents, being generally thought of with pity, but just what it was. I think it was probably also somewhat easier for men like this to forge lives for themselves so that, disability aside, they didn’t have to rely on their parents: there were more blue collar jobs where poor social skills, low self esteem etc didn’t really pose a problem to being able to carry out repetitive manual work without much emotional interaction, and expectations of men as husbands and fathers (and women’s lower expectations of what they should be and do) meant they just did the “done” thing and got on with it.

Its always been a thing but has definitely become more common. People try to justify it but it's not ok in my opinion. Part of a Parents job is to teach independence, resilience and basically how to cope without them.

Not surprised. He'll stay in the house, be diagnosed with some sort of disorder and will just rely on benefit handouts for the rest of his life. Nice if you can get it.

My sister is like this - nearing 50 and living at home with our parents, still in her childhood bedroom. In her case though I’m not sure where it’s come from, she does work although only part time. She never moved out in early adulthood when the rest of us did, and then while we continued from renting to buying houses and having long term relationships/marriage etc she has stayed at my parents and long term single. I think in her case it’s because it’s an easier life (no rent, no money worries and working part time) rather than any specific MH issue or anything else.

My youngest sibling is mid-20s and will never move out. They live alone with my mother and will continue to do so until my mother dies, wherein I suspect they will move in with me. They are autistic and struggle with social situations but their failure to launch is ultimately the fault and choice of my mother who deliberately enabled them so she would have company in her old age. I imagine at least some of these cases will be the same.

Failure to launch has always been a thing. It'll probably always be a thing. I only see it in the autism community though.

I think this is very significant. There are few jobs for people with poor social skills - certainly not which pay a reasonable wage. And probably few women who would take on a man in his 40s/50s whose parents have died and who essentially needs a housekeeper.

A relative would have been the same if his mother hadn’t remarried late in life. Although he did work, but that’s all he did, no social life, no friends. Fortunately her new husband wouldn’t accept him (30 yr old) into living with them. However it didn’t stop the mother from suggesting that I should live with him instead, and take over her “role”. Thank god her new husband trashed that idea immediately and he found a place to live. Then he visited them every single fucking weekend for the rest of their marriage. A compromise, but my god, her poor husband.

I have to say, his lifestyle was of his mother’s making. She was a very self absorbed woman who had no desire to move him on because it suited her at the time. In fact, all 3 of her sons turned out to be financially, sexually, emotionally abusive adults.

Ridiculous.

My son has a moderate learning disability and significant autism yet I’ve just got him started volunteering one day on the weekend learning enigeering on steam trains! Yes he might never work as he might find it to difficult with the pressure but they can still volunteer and do things with their life. He loves his volunteering job and all the other enigeering young volunteers are also on the spectrum.

Because of all the help and support that comes with a diagnosis?

Adult kids like this have always existed. There was one on my Nans road where the man, 50, lived with his mum. My nan was adamant my mam should marry him! And another who was part of a hobby my mam did, he had a job but was a strange guy and lived with his parents until they both died, and now in his 70s has a girlfriend for the first time!

My 2nd exh lived at home until he was 39, [he was working] we married, I divorced him 8 years later and he went back to his parents until they died then he had to be rehoused 200 miles away from original home. not aware of any steady relationships either.

It’s awful though, they can still volunteer and do something with their life, it’s the failure of the parents not pushing them to do something with their life.

There are lots and lots of people like this. But you’re wrong in the sense that they will get an income when they’re older - it may not be a state pension based on contributions but they will be able to claim benefits / pension credit etc and depending on the health needs of the ageing parent they may not need to sell the house to fund care (my Mum received continuing health care funding which meant her house remained untouched - owned outright - and care fees were fully funded by the NHS / social care, it’s not always for terminal illnesses either). Just to be clear, I didn’t live with my Mum - just answering.

Yes, this is common.

Could the mum put her house in his name? Or is the care home move imminent?

3 of my aunts (out of 8 children) stayed with my Grandparents until my grandma passed. One had polio as a child and post polio syndrome and did move out after grandma died. The other two were always lovely but a little peculiar in their own ways. One passed away but the other still lives in the same house. Nothing has changed in decades.

Difference is that they grew up on a farm, fairly isolated and with plenty of space for everyone at home. Nowadays it is harder to support kids on a single wage, and I guess it is more visible.

There is a relative on DH’s side of the family that still lives in his childhood bedroom and is in his 50s. Does work. Elderly mum still does all his cooking and laundry. Who knows what will happen to him. Has 2 sisters who have their own lives and won’t be taking him on once parents die