To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Firsty WFT, it's none of his mum's business, she can butt out and you can ignore everything she says. That was so incredibly rude. I would be fuming about that and asking him to speak to her and put her in her place.

Secondly, how do YOU feel about the housework? Is it stressing you out/ getting on top of you? Really, you're the one home with the baby and struggling, so it's about how you feel, 1000% more than your partner. If he cares so much then he can do it or employ a cleaner. 4 months is very little time postpartum - I'm at 8 months and I still feel exhausted and would not be able to keep on top of housework myself without a cleaner.

Would that be an option for you? We just have one for 2 hours a fortnight and she's a lifesaver - does the kitchen and bathrooms and it's not all that expensive really.

5 baby groups a week is quite a lot but if that's your lifeline to meet other mums and get a bit of adult contact, you shouldn't have to give it up.

Is your house unhygienic or unsafe?

If it is, then you and your partner need to share doing the minimum to get it hygienic and safe - one hold the baby and one clean, then swop.

I suspect your house is hygienic and safe and your partner and his mum want it to be pristine. That’s their problem, and it’s unreasonable to expect it of you. A colicky baby is a nightmare and you have to do the bare minimum to survive. Baby groups are much more important for your health than a perfect house.

Do not stop your groups… you’ve already recognised the difference they’ve made to your mental health.

Your partner’s mum does not get a vote in this.

If you (not your partner, you) feel that you’re out of the house too much, maybe drop one. But please do not get rid of all of them.

My babygroups maybe last an hr and I socialise afterwards for an hr. They have saved my sanity. He saw me before groups, he would be cuddling me whilst I was a mess.

Aww, sweetheart. You go to your groups. They are a lifeline for you right now. You are investing in your emotional wellbeing by going, as you are less likely to become isolated or depressed. And by default, your family benefits too. You will find your way - your baby is still so young and you are finding your feet.
And by the way, I say this as a neat/clean freak. Go to your groups! X

If you are on top of day to day stuff, everyone has clean clothes and is fed I don’t really see the issue. Your baby is so young, you are still recovering and your MIL is an interfering wanker.

Your DH and MIL are absolute knobs.

Having a velcro baby is so much harder than going to work.

I think it would be a mistake to stop going to the baby groups, clearly they’ve been incredibly helpful for you but maybe if you’re really struggling to keep on top of things (and I do think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect DP to do it all, given he’s out at work too) maybe drop one day? A Wednesday perhaps?
Disregard his mother, she’s being unreasonable and interfering.

Ignore your MIL /tell her to shove it. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with her.

Your partner's views matter though (whether they are right or wrong).

Can you post an average day's activities of what you do when, and if there is any time at all when the baby is not physically attached to you?
Does the baby sit in a more upright position like a bouncy chair and watch you do things in the house? A bit of crying because it's a change to what they're used to is fine, but not being in pain obviously.

I did manage to do all the housework whilst having a baby, BUT:

• my baby was mostly happy in the bouncer for twenty minutes
• my husband and I both clean up after ourselves as we go generally, so weekly housework is pretty quick
• my husband never once complained if not everything was done. Instead he said "I'll do what needs done"
• my mental health was A1 and therefore I was lucky not to struggle in the same ways as someone with poorer MH

What I'm trying to say is that the baby groups and socialising are absolutely fine and normal - don't stop! But they are only a couple of hours a day - perhaps with some clever workarounds (and your husband cleaning up after himself generally) you can actually shoehorn in a bit more housework. But only if it doesn't affect your MH.

I'd have likely compromised with my DH in this situation as long as he hadn't involved his mother! Once he involved his mother, I'm sorry he has lost all respect.

5 groups is alot but how likely is it that you would get anything done anyway with the baby the way you describe. I certainly couldn't do cleaning with my clingy child when on maternity leave. It had to wait until DH was home and one of us did bedtime while the other cleaned. So me being out all day would make no difference. The most I could get was a tidying - small things from place to place when walking about.

Fuck the housework, go to your groups. Your mental health is more important. You just both need to lower your standards a little as to what constitutes ‘clean’

And his mum should keep her nose out. None of her business.

Go to your groups.
Tell DH to pull his weight and stop running to mummy
tell MIL to fuck off

If you can rustle up £20 or so, get a cleaner for an hour
Tell your DH and MIL They can have you happy or a clean house. Then see where their priorities lie.
Keep going to the groups!! If you are near me I’ll come and tidy up for you!

These moments are precious, don’t waste them on worrying about cleaning!

I don't think cancelling the classes would help as you have many other hours a day at home.

I think (if dp is right and the house is a mess), you need to find ways of putting the baby down and getting stuff done.

Lots of pps have given the same advice already but just to agree with them:

Get a bouncer, just the cheap wire kind is fine. Get the baby to face you. Sing and dance and talk to yourself/the baby while you do the housework. Babies usually like watching this at least for 20mins at a time.

Look baby here's a sock! And another one, they're a pair wow! Here you try (place socks on baby's lap, carry on folding).
I'm cooking, this is a silicone spoon! You can use it like a drumstick bang bang bang. I'm using mint, doesn't it smell nice mmmm.

You get the picture.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of only doing housework when the baby naps but then you never get any time to rest

Get the bare essentials done - a bit of essential laundry, clean kitchen and ensure rubbish/nappies are taken out. The rest can wait.

Wellbeing is so important. That does include having a baseline level of hygeine in the house. But it also means getting social contact.

He has handled this horribly and needs to know that any disagreements are between you as a couple and his family's views are not relevant.

And it takes courage to go out and join a group when you don’t know anyone so you should be getting a pat on the back for that!

Yesterday I woke up before baby so put a wash on and batch made breakfast (for me and partner). Baby woke so I changed and fed. I then popped them in bouncer and hoovered livingroom. I then made soup for us to save making lunch over next few days. I then empty washing and hung out with baby carrier. I then went to my afternoon group and had coffee afterwards. Came home brought washing in. Made partner our dinner. He said I am wasting time with meals and groups when the big things aren't getting done like washing the toilets and finishing the little bit of painting I agreed to do. I said I need to do this when baby is with him. He keeps going up to high places and checking if there is dust. I reminded him its not just for me. Dp is good but he comes home from work and takes dog a walk. He then sorts his own washing out. Sometimes ive eaten earlier and baby still in bottles so hwvr told him to sort his own dinner. We always buy quick things we can shove in cooker. He said he should have homecooked meal waiting for him like. He sometimes goes to his mums for dinner as she says he shouldn't be doing a full day at work and then sorting a oven cooked dinner himself.

Looking after your baby and yourself is your job.
Tell the mil to fuck off!

I woudl have shown my MIL the door and told her never come back criticising me in my own home. And that would have been the last

I'd also co true the groups.

When I sobbed all over my DH when my baby was 4mo because I felt like I was failing when all I’d managed that day was to empty the dishwasher, he gave me a hug and said that I just needed to do what I could and make sure I did what made me feel better. I would always prioritise baby groups over housework (assuming it’s hygienic) - I know exactly what you mean about them being a lifeline. They’ve also proved to be helpful years later because DC has stayed in touch with the people they met at 3 weeks old because I’m still friends with their mums, so DC have benefited too. A lot of us who had babies during the pandemic REALLY missed the groups - they are so important. Tell DH to get a cleaner.

Having read your update, I'd be telling 'd'h to fuck off also

Wtf he is a complete arse... a homecooked meal? Fuck off back to mummy you ungrateful prick.

Honestly, this man cannot bring you happiness?

Go to your groups .

Stuff your dp.

Simple food sure stick chicken thighs in oven with some precut roast veg easy peasy

Anything more he can cook himself

If he prefers to stay with his mummy and have home cooked roast so be it
His mum is a twat
He needs to stand up for you or leave

Whatever happened in MIL day is irrelevant, those days are long gone. She could have offered to help you instead of knock you down.

Those groups are saving your sanity, and only 2 hours a day, so you should still be able to look after the house outside of those hours.

Sit down with your DH and look at a fair split of the household chores. Work out who can do what and when. Can you afford a cleaner?

He also needs to stop running to his mummy to complain about you.

What would happen if you were both out to work 9-5, who would do the work then?

He sometimes goes to his mums for dinner as she says he shouldn't be doing a full day at work and then sorting a oven cooked dinner himself.

Firstly do not have any more children with this specimen.

Secondly, surely you are not still sleeping with this pathetic sexist pig?