Moral dilemma - hen do

[CatttS]

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

Or, if you are realising that it's not such a hard line for you, then tell DP and attend, and allow him the same trust you allow yourself.

Don’t lie to your DH. Either say on the group chat that you don’t think the strip show is appropriate or just opt out of that part.

Surely there's a third option of - have an honest conversation with your husband. If he's uncomfortable then go to the rest of the hen do but skip the stripper?
That's what I would do and equally expect any partner to do.

I think your options are both rubbish! I think you should discuss with DH on the off chance he actually couldn't care less. If he's fine with it, then go if you want to. If not, then tell the hen you'll go to the hen do but sit out the show.

I wouldn't go. It's not acceptable to have double standards or to lie by omission.

I'd tell my DH, attend but skip the strip club bit.

I'd also let my friend know I wouldn't be attending the stripper bit cause yuck 😬

I’ve had friends have strippers or butlers in the buff at hen dos. I’ve just been upfront in advance it’s not my kind of thing and excused myself for that portion. It’s never been a problem and often one or two others are relieved that someone else has said it and joined me.

Would it be a white lie if your partner went to a strip club snd didn’t tell you?

I’d just politely tell your friends you won’t be attending that part of the hen do. You can’t expect something of your husband and then engage in it yourself.

Why are the options lie, or don’t attend? You’ve not spoken to him about it yet, just have the discussion. But no it wouldn’t be a ‘white lie’, it’s just an outright lie. Have an adult conversation about it and if he’s ok with it then go, if not then don’t go. Weird that lying is immediately considered one of your 2 options.

I wouldnt go because if iI dont want my husband to i wouldnt I respect myself too much and I dont care if he knows or gives 'permission' I wouldnt go for me no one else

But even if I was single I wouldnt go, I would have hoped this died out in the 80s

Are there other parts of the hen do that you could attend? Or is this the main/only bit?

Surely you can go to the other hen do events but not attend the strip show ?

Personally though I don't think i'd feel comfortable socialising with a bunch of women who thought male strippers were an acceptable and enjoyable entertainment.

And yes if you do attend this event you can't complain if your DH takes it as a green light to attend strip clubs/ lap dancing clubs because it would be double standards.

It’s only a day rather than weekend and this takes up a big chunk of the day

Just tell him

He will probably just laugh it off

At worst you will look a bit daft

Speak to your dp, but also decline that bit. Just explain lightly what you've put here, that you wouldn't be happy about dp doing similar so you can't have double standards. Express how much you're looking forward to the rest.

Attend but have an urgent engagement you need to leave for before the strip show? (I presume the strip show is the last thing?)

If not arrive later for the evening meal / drinks?

Can’t you just skip the stripper bit? Tell them you’re more likely to be 🤮than anything else - that is IF you need to give a reason?

Well, lying to your DH is obviously the most unreasonable option.

I don't honestly think a male strip show is the equivalent of a female strip show. Women are the oppressed gender in our society, so men goggling at a more vulnerable group is different to women goggling at a more socially powerful group. It's not creepy in the same way, not is it as likely to be exploitative.

That's not to say you should go, of course. That's a personal decision.

I disagree. She doesn't want her male husband to watch naked women. So she shouldn't expect him to be happy with her watching naked men. It's that simple.

It's fine for you to opt out of this part of the hen do and still celebrate with your friend. I wouldn't go to a strip show as I would be uncomfortable with it and it doesn't align with my values. If that's how you feel, just say you don't want to go to that part of the hen do.

If you do decide to go, lying about it would make it a much bigger problem. The sensible thing to do would be to tell him your dilemma and talk it through.

Even though the thread is overwhelmingly in favour of you not attending and not lying to your DH, there will be some really annoying posters who can't read along any moment to bleat tediously about double standards and how Mumsnet is oh so hypocritical and imagine if the genders were reversed blah blah. They won't bother to so much as skim the thread to see that basically no one thinks you should lie and go to the strip show, just like they wouldn't think it the other way around either.

I wouldn't be "not mentioning" this part to my DH or excusing it as being "OK" for male strippers but not female. I'd quietly excuse myself from this part of the day, maybe sending a private message to the organiser to say not to book me a ticket and happily find a nice cafe/bar/shop/alternative show to occupy myself with for those couple of hours.

I would tell the group I’ll be skipping that part of the day and explain why - that I think a stripper (male or female) is tacky and inappropriate.
A friend of mine had a hen do with a ‘butler in the buff’, who wants naked men’s body parts near their food, yuk.
But I wouldn’t want to watch someone take their clothes off because they need the money.

I wouldn't go personally. There's nothing fun, empowering or sauce for the goose about a bunch of women kneeling at the feet of and fawning over a guy who likely despises them. If thats what floats your boat, there's plenty of men who'd oblige for free so God knows why women think they have to pay for it.
I'd hope the logistics of the night would mean I could miss that part out. But if not I'd not be able to go.

Just don’t go. It’s clearly the main event if the hen is just the 1 day. And if you’re opposed to strippers you’re opposed to strippers. Unless it’s hyper local and it would be realistic to be ‘busy’ earlier but join them in town for a drink afterwards?