Moral dilemma - hen do

[CatttS]

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

You really need to have a conversation. "Hey, this hen do I was going to go to has this event planned. It's in a club, has a male stripper act. Obviously I know I've always told you that you going to a strip club is a deal breaker for me. How do you feel about me going to this?"

If you wouldn't be comfortable with him going to a similar event you shouldn't be going. If you think would be OK for you to go to this event, you really need to have an honest conversation with yourself about why you dont think its a big deal for you but is for him and whether you're being fair.

It’s ok for you to go but not him because you’ve got issues with your body confidence?

And you are prepared to lie?

He needs to LTB

If he went and you wouldn’t find out you would be angry. You would feel lied to.

Can see the argument now.

DH "So I've heard you went to the Massive Mike show and it was a lot less tame than they thought it would be. I'm really upset after the talk that we had had that talk about Dave's stag do and how even setting foot in the lapdancing club was a redline for you given your body hang ups and political views on exploitation"

OP "Yes but its different, because.....well......power imbalance! You'll look at the young slim girl with great boobs and want to have sex with them more than me, but I was just laughing and cheering the chiselled jawed 6 foot and 6 packed 8 inch hung man in an ironic way"

Sorry mate, doesn't wash.

I do want to attend for my friends hen, it sounds fun, I’ve just got to come to terms with not telling DP. I guess it’s only a white lie, and he’ll be none the wiser as he isn’t on social media (not that I expect there to be many images from this event).

As long as you agree that if he went to strip club and didn't tell you that would be OK too because he wouldn't be lying.

Be honest with your DP……you live with him and secrets have a habit of coming out eventually.

Nah, that's semantics and if you were on the receiving end of that language you'd be furious.

Talk to your partner. Lieing is always a problem. This would not be a "white lie" by anyone's measure.

You are extremely wrong on both counts. In a city near me, a red light district was authorised by the council. Local women and schoolgirls were relentlessly harassed by the influx of men driving in. A sex worker was murdered. The equivalent does not and has never existed the other way around. Men make up the majority of users of online porn too, and buyers of in person sexual services.

You obviously don't know what a white lie is. Absolutely appalling behaviour to be honest and I hope he finds out the truth.

Omg the pearl clutching here is off the charts! This isn't my cup of tea at all but I can't imagine giving it the emotional energy of some big life changing event. It's a few hours with friends fgs, either grin and bear it or make polite excuses.

As to it being relationship-wrecking territory I would say-how many times has your partner been to or been invited to a strip club? How often have you? Is this a reoccurring issue? I would wager not at all so why all the drama? Personally I can't envisage ever needing 'permission' from my partner to do anything, I bet he wouldn't even care anyway. If he does and you think it would escalate I'd say you have a trust issue not a stripper issue!

Well if it's a white lie for you then it'd be a white lie for him to do the same? Surely you con't defend that position?

Just to add - I personally wouldn't be bothered either way but I also wouldn't be worked up about my OH seeing a stripper with a group of mates either; sounds cringy to me. You can't possibly defend the double standard though.

You've not read the OP. She has, in the past, asked her DP not to go to these type of events. She is now considering lying by default to her DP so that she can attend one herself.

Which town is this?

As I said, the 3 red light districts I knew of have gone. Outside Kings Cross, the Romford Road in east London and around Chelmsford town centre.

Well she said she's told partner she'd be unhappy with him attending this type of event, that's not the same as repeatedly asking someone not to do something or them attempting to do it. It all sounds purely hypothetical. That's what I mean about making it into a drama.
If for example I asked my partner not to go the pub after work every Friday..but then started doing the exact same then yes I'd be a hypocrite. This seems to be a one off scenario and like others, I don't actually think they are the same thing.

Holbeck in Leeds. It was stopped due to covid - not because of reduced demand. It caused enormous problems with men coming to harass and attack women, both sex workers and not. In person sex work still happens though, it hasn't all shifted to online pornography, though women may advertise online for in person clients rather than standing on the street. That's not fundamentally different though, and it's still the case that men are the main consumers of sex work. It seemed that you were trying to argue that's not the case, which is the aspect you're wrong about - and the closure of authorised red light districts does not equate to the decline of men paying for sex.

Also sorry, I've gone off topic. I think the OP is very wrong to lie to her partner about this and I don't like and would never visit a male strip club. I can still understand it is different to a female strip club and the exploitation of and danger to women involved in sex work is far greater than the degradation and danger posed to men performing for hen dos. I don't like it, but it isn't the same.

If the bride to be is going on stage for “extras” then it’s more than a stage show

Ive been to one of these dreamboys shows- it was absolutely obscene. The crowd participation was funny but thank god I didn’t get picked out. Just a warning the ‘extras’ package made me blush and went too far for me. Think marshmallows and eating off body parts etc. I’ll be honest I ‘went to the toilet’ as I felt embarrassed as a married lady.

Lying to your husband is poor. Don’t do that just so he doesn’t get a pass for the future. Work on building your trust and confidence within your relationship.

That's not true and you know it!

It wouldn't matter if you didn't mind about him going to a strip club

It's the double standard that makes it such a shitty thing to do.

I see. I don’t think I ever said women paid for sex more than men, I don’t believe that is the case. I don’t know anything about Holbeck so take that all at face value.

My point was, and remains, that I think there are a lot of posters here who have preconceived ideas about the type of men and women who are strippers or do sex work and that the men are somehow immune from being exploited. I don’t think the other poster had any idea about Holbeck and I don’t think they were speaking from experience when they categorised the men as different to the women. I think that speaking about men as a class but focusing on the individual vulnerabilities of women is an inappropriate comparison.

My bet is that the kind of men who appear in strip shows, even if they are supposedly soft core dream boys type stuff, are just as likely to be ‘vulnerable’ as women who do strip shows. Even if men’s vulnerabilities do manifest differently to women’s. And that if it’s wrong to watch one of them, it’s also wrong to watch the other.

Watching someone strip isn’t my idea of fun at all and I don’t really understand why anyone enjoys it. It’s tacky and awkward. I’d decline on that basis. If you attend, you have to let your DH go to them too.

I agree that stripping can and frequently does exploit vulnerable people. I think it's wrong either way and would never endorse it. But I do think the power dynamics are different, and while I wouldn't expect people to know about Holbeck it made a profound impression on me. It's an inner city area with high levels of deprivation, and men were driving in treating all women and girls as fair game. Girls in school uniform were asked for sex, a woman with a buggy was offered money by a man asking for half an hour with her toddler and sex workers were assaulted (one murdered, as I mentioned). There is no world in which all of that is done to men and boys by women, so when people try to draw an equivalence between male and female consumers of sex work and say 'it's just the same' or 'women do it too' I think of that situation and just think...no, it isn't the same and women don't do that. I think a hen do licking cream off a male stripper on stage is gross, but it isn't equivalent to the way that men treat women involved in sex work, from stripping to street prostitution. Virtually all sex crimes are perpetrated by men, and any kind of sex work exists against that backdrop and that imbalance.

Appreciate all the replies, I’ve decided I’ll bite the bullet and attend so I’ve confirmed my attendance on the group chat. Wish me luck 😅

So you're going to lie to your partner?

Classy.

I’ve told him I’m attending my friends’ hen, if he asks for details I’ll confirm what is planned.