Moral dilemma - hen do

[CatttS]

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

I'd skip the stripper bit anyway because I honestly can't think of a worse way - atrocities obviously excluded - to spend my social time

I didn't attend a strip club on a hen do, not because of my DH, but because I am morally against it and also find it disturbing. I do not want to look at random willies or butt cheeks flying around. I absolutely would not lie about it. Either you are against strip clubs or you aren't.

100% agree.
It would be a red line for me if a partner went to watch strippers so I wouldn't be a hypocrite and attend myself. If she's that good a friend, she should understand. It may be "different" to women stripping but that's really not the point. You put yourself in a very weak position if you attend. Do the right thing.

If it’s the Magic Mike show, that’s really not the same as attending a strip club where girls are half or fully nude and offering extras in the back. it’s a theatre/dance show. Yes they are scantily clad at times but they are professional dancers, not sex workers.

if it’s that big a deal though then like others have said just go for the meal/drinks before and skip that part. It’s not that difficult!

This. I wouldn't make any secret of what I thought on the WhatsApp, either. There are almost certainly others on there who aren't keen. It's a grotesque idea.

Just don't go to that part.

Of course, male strippers are very different to female. It's 'a laugh' (personally not sure why) rather than a sexy experience. I'm pretty sure women aren't masturbating after seeing a male stripper, but strip clubs provide private rooms for just this purpose. It's as much about the power balance as anything.

Did you watch the Gavin and Stacey finale? The male stripper scene in that is fascinating. It's the only scene in the whole thing where Smithy's fiance is not shown to be unreasonable.

If you don't want to go to the stripper show, you don't have to go to the stripper show. If you don't want to go to the stripper show because your husband doesn't want you to go to the stripper show, that's where we have a problem. If you don't want to go to the stripper show only because you don't want your husband to go to a stripper show, has this quandary made you think about why you don't want your husband to go - is it a question of trust or is it the potential exploitation of strippers?

I don't agree with horse racing so I don't go to the races. One of our friendship groups arranges days out at the races all dressed up every couple of years and we just say "no thank you" and don't go. It's ok to not do things that you don't agree with.

If I was invited on a hen do which was a weekend away but included a day at the races I'd go to whichever bits of the weekend didn't involve the races, and do something else on that day or prep a meal at the house or something. If it was just a day trip I wouldn't go at all.

I've been at a hen at someone's home where they had a stripper and me and another girl just went into another room because it gave me the ick, we had a nice drink, a laugh and a chat and joined everyone after, they didn't notice we'd slipped out.

I would decline due to the activity being so distasteful.
I would say that too.
You might find that you are not the only one feeling uncomfortable.

Will the bride also find it vomit worthy?
Aren't there other fun things to do?
Perhaps you could organise another activity for those who want to miss the strip show.

The hens who are looking forward to it will not miss you; they will be focussing on other things.

I would go to the hen but not to that part. I wouldn't want to see strippers even if I was single, but I don't think you can say you're uncomfortable with your husband going and then lie and go to one yourself. Id be more worried about your marriage than possible slight awkwardness of telling a friend you are going to skip something that sits outside your values.

Definitely don't keep it a secret. No doubt someone will be taking photos or recording it and your DH would be likely to see these at some point.

To me the logical thing (if you do actually want to go) is to say to your DH what the hen do involves and then be respectful of what he thinks too. But if you know you wouldn't want him doing a similar activity then I think you should be unavailable that day and perhaps if a close friend have drinks with the hen another time.

It’s not my scene at all and I’d just say so and not go.

Isn't there a middle ground? Talk to your husband honestly and work through it together?

But for me - I wouldn't want to be there anyway, not because of some agreement (my husband went to a strip club for a stag thing and I didn't care), but because that atmosphere would be the last thing I'd want. So personally I'd decline regardless of anyone else's feelings.

Mostly I don't think he has a vote, but since you set a standard that you vote on each other's social engagements than I would never lie about it.

If you don't want him staring at naked women then it's hypocritical for you to go to an event and stare at naked men. I don't go along with all the 'it's different because the women are being exploited' stuff. I remember a colleague going to a male stripper event and truthfully the women were behaving like animals from her account.

Just say you know the stripper or you're related to him and so it would be weird for you to go.

I wouldn't go but I might try to meet them for dinner and drinks before or after?

I don't think it's the same as women's strip clubs for obvious reasons, but it's so unbelievably cringey I know I wouldn't be able to sit through it!

Such a weird and pointless lie

YABU because you're trying to validate it for yourself but it's not ok if it was the other way round. Double standards.

Is it like Magic Mike kind of performance? It’s very different to watch a show vs go to a lap dancing/strip club. I would tell him and just take it on the chin (not literally)

Do you want to go? you don't mention in your OP.

If you do want to go, then speak to your DP - for all you know he might not care less despite you telling him you wouldn't be happy if he went.

If you don't want to go, then you opt out of the hen do and if you don't feel comfortable explaining why then make up at excuse.

FWIW I've avoided more than one hen because of butlers in the buff, magic mike and strippers. It's not my cup of tea so to speak.

I would tell your DH that this is on the plan and that you will not be attending that part. I have an Hen coming up and if there was something like that I would be skipping too.

It's hypocritical if you go. There's long been a double standard, like the "joke" in Boston Legal about a boy who who sexually abused by an adult woman being "lucky"-and we know what we'd say if it was an old man and a young girl.
Yes, in the past, women and girls would suffer the shame of an unwed pregnancy, which was a terrible double standard. And yes, there is a massive difference between adults abusing children, and stripping, but it is relevant when discussing double standards in what's acceptable for men/women, in terms of judgment, and treating people as objects.
But if the problem is that you don't agree with a human being a sex object, it is a problem whether that person is a man or a woman.

👏👏👏

Actually I see no difference between a male and female stripper. Personally find both repugnant and am grateful that it’s never been something my friends have wanted at their parties.

I would speak to the organiser and make clear that you are excited to come to the Hen Do but do not want to take part in the bit with the stripper as it crosses agreed boundaries you have in your relationship (and yes, it is okay to say ‘and I would find it uncomfortable as I I find it morally repellant’).

Ask if it can be clearly delineated when that part of the itinerary will take place so that you can remove yourself and if not decline. Then discuss with DH whether he is happy for you to attend and extricate yourself if that is a viable option.

You’re not being a killjoy if it’s not for you - but it would be deeply hypocritical to attend and then veto your DH at any future stag dos.

Yeah dont do that 😂Its not about you, either politly decline or go, dont make a spectacle of yourself.

I think there’s an asymmetry between male & female strippers, in terms of who is getting exploited & to what extent, so it’s not quite as simple as ‘sauce for the goose’.

But presumably your close mate & your dh are both people you could talk to?

Mate: ‘Can I duck out of the stripper bit? Whereabouts in the day/evening is it?’ …& hopefully you can go for the meal then make your excuses.

Dh: ‘Sarah’s having a stripper - you know how I’ve always said I wouldn’t want you to go to a strip club, help me come up with an excuse!’ …& possibly he says it’s not the same thing at all, he completely agrees with you about him going to a strip club being nasty but couldn’t care less if you’re off to shriek at Magic Mike to keep your mate happy.

The main risk is that your dh says ‘well actually I’ve always thought you were being unreasonable about strippers…’ thereby exposing a fairly fundamental difference in your values. I think I’d probably rather know but YMMV.

Definitely don’t lie to him. That’s a complete surrender of any moral high ground.