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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral dilemma - hen do

269 replies

CatttS · 14/04/2026 10:57

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2026 11:48

I can’t believe strip clubs still exist tbh or that anyone thinks it’s a good idea to celebrate a forthcoming marriage by paying to watch other people take their clothes off. It’s disgusting. I wouldn’t go and I’d say I’d tell them I wasn’t going because I don’t like strip clubs. That’s you’re considering being such a hypocrite you’d lie to your partner says plenty.

Passingthrough123 · 14/04/2026 11:49

I would tell him it's on the itinerary and would skip it while the others went. If they have a problem with that, tough. I got dragged to one in Brighton on a hen night and it was as grim AF. Utterly degrading for everyone involved. I needed ten hot showers afterwards to get the scuzzy feeling off me.

nam3c4ang3 · 14/04/2026 11:49

its a bit double standards to be honest, and please fgs dont lie - just be honest why you cant go.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 14/04/2026 11:51

Can't think of anything I'd enjoy less than a strip show. But anyway, tell your husband and work out a plan between you. I'd skip it and just meet the rest of the hens afterwards. I appreciate you don't want to seem like a fun sponge - but tbh I think I'd take that hit rather than watch something that I personally (but quite strongly) feel to be demeaning all round.

MustardGlass · 14/04/2026 11:51

If you don’t allow your DP to do something there is absolutely no excuse for you thinking it’s ok for you to do.

JudgeJ · 14/04/2026 11:52

Stompythedinosaur · 14/04/2026 11:09

Well, lying to your DH is obviously the most unreasonable option.

I don't honestly think a male strip show is the equivalent of a female strip show. Women are the oppressed gender in our society, so men goggling at a more vulnerable group is different to women goggling at a more socially powerful group. It's not creepy in the same way, not is it as likely to be exploitative.

That's not to say you should go, of course. That's a personal decision.

Congratulations, here's the gold MN hypocrisy medal! A strip show is a strip show, you can bluster on about a male strip show being different as much as you want! Some of the vilest talk I've heard has been from women about men, sorry for not following the mantra!

DappledThings · 14/04/2026 11:54

Do you actually want to go? I wouldn't want to so I wouldn't but I would join a dinner before or after if that's something that's planned.

Lying about it is silly and unnecessary. Either accept you want to go and be honest about it or don't go. The option of going secretly is stupid.

FunnyOrca · 14/04/2026 11:55

Eurgh… I would be declining or skipping the stripper. I can’t imagine anything more awkward than watching a stranger strip and gyrate about with my friends.

I’d tell DH and he could help me think of a way to skip it too!

SpanThatWorld · 14/04/2026 11:56

5128gap · 14/04/2026 11:19

I wouldn't go personally. There's nothing fun, empowering or sauce for the goose about a bunch of women kneeling at the feet of and fawning over a guy who likely despises them. If thats what floats your boat, there's plenty of men who'd oblige for free so God knows why women think they have to pay for it.
I'd hope the logistics of the night would mean I could miss that part out. But if not I'd not be able to go.

I think this neatly sums up my view too.

Not only is it tacky but the person being paid probably has a really low opinion of the audience. No part of that is appealing.

Should you lie to your husband about it? Is that even a question?

calamariqueen · 14/04/2026 11:58

I am in exactly the same position OP. I am not going to that bit of the hen and will meet the probably very pissed group after this part of the get together for dinner & karaoke. Male strippers are just not for me & my time and money are too scarce a resource to waste on doing something that I don’t want to do these days!!

Loub1987 · 14/04/2026 11:58

I’ve gone to a hen do which had a strip show. I was a bit uncomfortable about it so didnt do that bit. I did the brunch before and dinner after. No big deal. Still had a great time!

Chocolatecoffeecup · 14/04/2026 12:00

I don't think the stripper is a big deal but you've made it one by telling your DP that he couldn't do the equivalent so now you're stuck. Tell him and he probably won't mind but you will have to be prepared for him to see a stripper on a stag do!

GetOffTheCounter · 14/04/2026 12:01

TartanMammy · 14/04/2026 11:06

Speak to your dp, but also decline that bit. Just explain lightly what you've put here, that you wouldn't be happy about dp doing similar so you can't have double standards. Express how much you're looking forward to the rest.

That's what I'd do. But I am post menopausal and have become more used to saying 'Nope, that's not for me, but I'll do this with you' lately. Previously I would be a ttotal people pleaser and would have twisted myself into knots about it and what the others 'thought' of me. Now I don't care.

FavouriteBiggle · 14/04/2026 12:04

There is absolutely no way I would be attending an event with a male (or female) stripper.

I either wouldn't go at all or just attend other parts of the day.

But in answer to your question, talk to your DP about it if you really want to go. I suspect he will be fine about it - I know mine would be.

But again - I would not be going. Yuck.

Ellie1015 · 14/04/2026 12:07

If you don't want to go and wouldnt like your dh to go to similar then it is really wrong to lie about it.

You could talk to dh, maybe he isnt bothered. However this does mean if he is asked to strip club at any point you csnt expect him to not go.

Best option is to go to meal/drinks before or after strip show. No lying to dh, or going to an event you arent keen on. If you want to tell a white lie rather than say you dont want to go then tell organisers you cant manage show rather than wont go.

Gymnopedie · 14/04/2026 12:08

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

Not nearly as awkward as it would be when DP finds out (and he is likely to at some point via social media). But if you want to be a hypocrite...

TheFallenMadonna · 14/04/2026 12:09

Is the moral dilemma the stripping or the lying?

Ski4130 · 14/04/2026 12:09

It's not a moral dilemma - you've been very clear to your DP how you feel about strip clubs/shows, so you'd be a massive hypocrite if you attended. It's either you're ok with it, or you're not, it's not selective depending on whether it's you watching men, or dp watching women surely?!

As for this - I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her - that's a really shitty attitude.

Loadsalies · 14/04/2026 12:10

If you will feel uncomfortable opt out. I'm amazed people are still doing this nowadays.

I once took over for a hen ( years ago) because she was so embarrassed by the stripper's antics. I pulled him off her because he was bouncing up and down above her naked whilst she was laid on the floor. She was mortified. I said do your worst to me if everyone needs a laugh. He was pretty tame after that. I can be quite scary though 😅

Savvysix1984 · 14/04/2026 12:12

I wouldn’t lie to my dh. Personally strippers are cringe (aside from peoples moral views). If he’s only a day thing can you just say you don’t feel comfortable and you’ll meet them for a meal/ drinks?

usedtobeaylis · 14/04/2026 12:13

I wouldn't go to a strip event just to avoid appearing awkward. And I wouldn't lie to my partner about it. I guess you just need to decide how much of a line it actually is.

Mamabear487 · 14/04/2026 12:14

I don’t understand how either lying or declining is correct. It’s a completely different situation to a strip club. It’s a hen do it’s harmless fun (not my cup of tea but for most on a hen and I have attended for one of my friends!). You should both trust each other tbh.

godmum56 · 14/04/2026 12:15

AgnesMcDoo · 14/04/2026 11:02

I'd tell my DH, attend but skip the strip club bit.

I'd also let my friend know I wouldn't be attending the stripper bit cause yuck 😬

Show quote history

this. If you have a moral objection then that surely should cover both of you? Even if my DH didn't care, it still wouldn't change my moral objection.

Firesidechatter · 14/04/2026 12:16

You made your own bed here. If you don’t want him going then you can’t go. It’s that simple, and as much as I’m sure he’s fine with it. If you go then if it comes up for him you need to let him go.

amd if you lie that’s shitty.

kurotora · 14/04/2026 12:17

Take a moral stand and skip it. You'd want him to do that, wouldn't you - to not even consider overstepping your agreed boundaries?