Moral dilemma - hen do

[CatttS]

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

I would go to the other bits but miss the strip show. Not really out of any moral obligation but just because I’d rather do pretty much anything else than see a male stripper.

You are COMPLETELY allowed to say “I don’t want to see a male stripper, thanks. So I won’t be able to attend.”

You don’t even have to apologise. Because it isn’t harmless fun to objectify people in a sexualised way.

I think comparing male and female strip shows is a false equivalence due to the power dynamics at play, but I also personally wouldn't go even if I don't necessarily see a double standard, just a bit grim

I agree with this "I think comparing male and female strip shows is a false equivalence due to the power dynamics at play".

In this specific situation, I wouldn't discuss it with the other women. To avoid drama, I'd just get "a dreadful headache" at that point, apologise profusely and offer to the bride that we do something special together soon to make up for me missing those few hours.

In that case, no need to mention it to dh, or if you wanted to, just explain your plan without making it a big thing.

Is it Magic Mike live? I've been and it was about as arousing as a teeth cleaning.

Agree with PP that female strippers and male strippers are different, as is something like Magic Mike vs a strip club- the former is more akin to burlesque, in my mind.

However if it's a hard line for you that's fair enough, don't lie to your husband though- just explain to the hen and either skip that bit if possible or the whole thing.

You haven't said if you actually want to go, or are indifferent to it. I'm getting the impression you would be happy to go if it weren't for the double standards aspect.

I'd just be honest with the hen, say you wouldn't be happy for your husband to attend a similar event so you don't feel comfortable attending so you'll sit that bit out but really looking forward to the rest of it.

I wouldn't lie, and I wouldn't ask his permission either if I wouldn't want him to go

Surely the options aren't just lieing or not going?

There is still the option to discuss it with your DP and see how that conversation goes.

Ultimately, do you want to see a strip show? What element of your DP seeing it bothers you - exploitation of women, sexualised activity, general seediness, concerns about him cheating on you?

A moral dilemma? I think you need to be clear what your morals are:

• Do you think it's ok to lie?
• Do you think double standards are ok?
• Do you think that watching someone strip for money is ok?

Presumably the answer to all three is no - dilemma resolved.

You can either absent yourself for that part of the day, or - and I would prefer this personally - not go and choose to celebrate with her at another time.

Feels a bit like arrested development that people are still choosing to do this in 2026 at all, but that's an issue for another day/time/thread.

Probably gonna get slated but I don’t see male and female strippers as being similar. Men get off on seeing the female body and want to f them . I’ve been to male strip shows in similar circumstances and it’s just a load of women laughing and cringing

That’s how I feel. It’s not the same thing. Channing Tatum was asked about it and he said the difference is that for women it’s not a sexualised experience, it’s semi mortification and giggling if anyone comes anywhere you or your friends. Besides, they don’t usually go all the way. More cheeky and on a stage than directly grind-y?

If it’s like Magic Live then I’m not sure I’d compare that to a strip club. It’s a fun time but it’s like boyband style dancing with no shirt on, not full nudity and a pole.

On the other hand a friend of mine wound up at a hen do with one of those nude butlers and she found it very uncomfortable and said she wouldn’t go to something like that again.

I've only been to one male stripping thing and it was as grim af. I'm pretty broadminded but it really got out of hand...

If you have a rule for your DH, then you need to abide by it for yourself.

I can't actually see the difference myself.

I haven't read the full thread, but this is the most sensible, on-point remark I've read.

My idea of hell so I’d decline anyway.

Do you actually want to go, OP?

If you don't, then no problem. Just tell your friend you'll skip that part.

If you feel you'd like to, talk it over with your DH and see what he says.

By male stripping show do you mean strip club or like a magic mike/chippendales kind of deal? They are really quite different.

Not my thing but I'd go along to the magic Mike type thing. But I wouldn't tell DH not to go to a stag do with a strip club visit because I trust him not to do anything. If anything I'd ask to come along as its really not his thing and I could only imagine the awkwardness and embarrassment at being there on his face the whole time not knowing where to look 🤣 that wouldn't make him feel guilty somehow.

You need to have a proper chat with your DH about boundaries.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward ...

@CatttS This is a TERRIBLE idea. Are you seriously saying that not appearing awkward to your friends is more important than your marriage?

Because, given your previous stance on your husband attending a strip show, to attend one yourself AND TO LIE ABOUT IT is a breathtaking level of hypocrisy. A relationship damaging move.

Do the sensible thing, that others have suggested, and have a conversation with your husband about it. You'll probably find he's more relaxed about it than you are, but if you do attend be prepared to soften your view about him attending one in the future.

I can't believe you would even consider not telling your dh! Imagine if it was reversed! Tell him and tell the friends that this is not your cup of tea (without judging them) and that you decline the hen do. I would have declined even if single because I find it grim.

Seems very clear cut to me.
Either go but skip the stripper parr if possible, or don't go.
Don't go against your own morals, especially if it's something you feel you'd have to lie about to your DH.
If she's really a good friend she'll understand.

There is no equivalence between a strip club and a male stripper, because we don't live in a world where men are routinely sexualised, commodified, abused, exploited or trafficked.

Male strippers are a comic turn in our society, precisely for those reasons. They reinforce the status quo by turning the tables to comic effect.

You only need to watch the manner and gestures of the stripper to understand he knows this too. He's allowing himself to be objectified, because the role reversal is entertaining. He's an entertainer, not someone on the broad spectrum of prostitution.

Women are not, on the whole, sexually aroused by a lubed up (gay) ball-shaver thrusting in their faces.

Any kind of stripper is cringy, male or female. If you wouldn't want your husband to go to a strip show, you can't go to one yourself.

Agree . Does any woman actually get aroused during a male strip show ? I for one certainly don’t I wonder if it’s a thing

I went to a hen do where a butler in the buff was ordered to the lodge we were in. I refused to take part or pay my share, and sat out the way ready a book. In fact one of the other women sat out with me, as it wasn't her thing either

I would hate if DH took part so I'm not about to do the same.

Double standards, either go and then let him go to such things or don't go and tell him its a firm no too.