Moral dilemma - hen do

[CatttS]

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

I would just tell my friend that me and DH decided together that things like strippers weren't something we were comfortable with in our marriage, so I wouldn't be coming. The last thing I'd do is lie to DH. If you want to go, run it by him and see what he says.

Opt out of the strip show - tell them why. Do not be ashamed that you have principles. Let them think what they will.

My DD unexpectedly finished up in a situation where there was a male stripper - it was a primary school fundraiser for god's sake! - organised by the head teacher and billed as a Ladies Night. She said it was foul - some random bloke poking his erect penis over their table - grim, just grim.

The head was later got rid of for her many inappropriate behaviours. And my GDs were moved from the school.

Definitely dont lie or omit the details of the day.

Personally I'd decline because I think the whole thing is distasteful and gross.

I went on a hen do that was ending at a strip club. I went to all the daytime activities and a lovely meal and ended the evening when all others went off to show.

I let the group chat know I wouldn't be attending so that a ticket wasn't bought for me.

Really not my cup of tea.

I think you are an absolute hypocrite I you go whilst not liking the idea of your husband attending a female one. Both equally grim.

How would you want your partner to react if the shoe was on the other foot?

1. Not tell you and go in secret
2. Tell you and go
3. Say he/ his partner has an objection and won’t be attending that part of the event
4. He doesn’t go at all

Which ever option you prefer for him is your answer I think!

I really don't think it is that simple though. The power dynamics of society are relevant. I'm not saying she should go, I'm not sure I'd go myself. But a group of women watching a man strip is far far less likely to be an abuse of power with a clear exploited victim than a group of men watching a woman strip.

There was a case a few months ago where a stripper appeared at a hen night as a surprise and it ended up in court. I'd avoid it just on tackiness grounds.

Stripper who 'jiggled bride-to-be's breasts at prosecco & pizza hen party' found guilty of sexual assault

Do Male strip joint exists ? I’ve seen one-off shows advertised.. Chippendales, Magic Mike, but neither of these are “cock out” (apologise), unlike women’s strip shows that always feature nudity.

Where is this place ?

I am not saying this doesn't ever happen, but I have worked all over the country as a stripper and I haven't ever known a private room for masturbation at even one of them.

I do agree that it is different. A male strip show isn't a private intimate experience with one person gyrating naked body parts onto one other person. They tend to be stage shows, mainly for humour.

That's before we get into historical oppression and the fact that men are not a marginalised group.

It's possible to think that both are grim for different reasons.

Agree with lots of others - I'd go but skip the stripper event. I wouldn't lie to dh.

My DH has done the same on stag dos. There's always a couple of others who would prefer a quiets few pints away from a strip club.

Honestly it sounds grim however good the friend is. I admit I would be telling a white lie though about why I couldnt make it. To do otherwise woukd feel like i was making the event all about me and causing drama. Main character syndrome-y.

Why not just talk to your DP about it?

DP would be utterly appalled if I went to a strip club on a stag do (or at any other time) so I wouldn't do it. I on the other hand couldn't care less if she went to a male strip show (and she has once in the past). That doesn't mean I'm going to start going to strip clubs, that I'm going to disregard her boundary just because mine is different.

Yes, it's slight double standards, but to be honest I don't see male and female strippers as that similar to be honest. I used to work behind the bar in a working mens club, so have seen a fair bit of both. Men watching female strippers are generally about men lusting after women, whereas women watching men strip tends to be more about the laughs to be honest. It's about embarrassing the hen, or whoever's birthday it is rather than perving at nude men.

Talk to your DP. If he's not happy with the idea, then skip that bit of the hen do. If he's fine with it, then ask if he'd still be fine if it meant he still couldn't go to a strip club. If he's not fine with that, then skip that bit of the hen. If he's fine with it, then have fun!

Is it really most of the day?

So rather than be an adult and use your big words to say "I'm not comfortable with a strip show, I'll join you at dinner time" you're proposing to lie to your husband about doing something that you wouldn't tolerate from him.
Really?

Either have the courage of your convictions or recognise that sometimes people do things they are not comfortable with rather than have conflict with friends.

I recognise that its probable that more women are exploited into working in strip clubs than their male equivalent but are you saying that if you were comfortable they were all there by choice because they enjoy dancing and its well paid, you'd get over it.... suspect not.

I wouldn't go to that particular event, I couldn't think of anything worse. Could you meet with them before or after?

awful double standards

While trying to be a good friend you are potentially being a bad spouse!

I can't vote because both options are bad ones.

Why would you not tell him the plan? How would you feel if he omitted to tell you about a female stripper?

Just be open and honest.

Personally I think male strippers are a revolting thing and cannot fathom the appeal, and would skip that bit even if it meant missing a good chunk of the day.

Surely there will be plenty of chat and drinks (assuming they are drinkers) after the naked man show you can join them at?

I didn't think these sort of events were still happening. A male stripper is nothing like a female stripper, the man is going to be laughed at, not leered at.
I doubt any man would feel threatened by his partner attending something like this, it's not the same as a bunch of stags visiting a lap dancing club and paying for extras.
It wouldn't be something I would want to do, but it's pretty harmless even so.

It isn't 'goggling at a more socially powerful group' though, it's goggling at an individual. And the individual is what matters - and I think there's a good chance they are also highly vulnerable to end up doing that work.

It's quite a horrible thought to my mind to justify the exploitation of an individual just because they happen to have one characteristic in common with an oppressive group of people. What happened to intersectionality?

I can’t imagine anything worse personally. But if it’s a big part of the day, then I’d opt out entirely and ask if you can take her out for a special lunch, just the two of you on a different date.

The organisers have chosen a very specific activity and trey can’t be surprised if some people opt out. I bet you won’t be the only one.

@CatttS in a relationship I too don’t agree with men going to stop clubs .
I however would NOT be attending this part of the hen do either. Can’t think of anything worse .
I would be telling friend you will be along after that part is over .
It’s is what it is

Tell your DH about it, just think how you would feel if he went to something like that and hid it from you.

Reply in the group that you don't want to attend that bit but will still attend the weekend.

I went to a Chippendales show back in the 90's and would never go to anything like it again. The male aggression, the screaming women, it was not an enjoyable evening.

I think you should not go because it's such a ridiculous event in the first place. Paying to see a bunch of blokes getting undressed for drunk, ridiculous women to leer over and scream at? Yuk.

It's a hard line for you if your husband did the same but now it's a hen party you're bending the rules? How come it's not ok for him to do the same?

You either approve of folk visiting a stripper/s or you don't. Stand up for your own morals and sit this one out op. The issue isn't to fib to your DP (hint, he'll find out anyway)

Either opt out of the strip show or don’t go.

I wouldn’t go to see a stripper and if they are your friends they would respect that.

I don’t judge women who do go to strip shows but it’s not my thing.