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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral dilemma - hen do

269 replies

CatttS · 14/04/2026 10:57

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

OP posts:
EdithBond · 14/04/2026 12:37

Blimey! Who wants to watch anyone experience the humiliation of stripping for strangers, so they can have a laugh, get turned on etc. It doesn’t matter where the stripping takes place, does it? IMHO it’s not to do with disrespecting a partner, it’s the stripper who’s being disrespected by people paying for it. There’s so much exploitation around it: grooming, trafficking etc.

Not dissing those who genuinely choose to do it to earn or because they enjoy it. But as a punter, how do you know how the stripper really feels? And why would you find it a laugh or a turn on anyway?

Speak to the bride-to-be and organiser, say you’re terribly sorry and you don’t want to be difficult, but you won’t be able to make the strip show but will be there the rest of the time. Don’t make a big deal out of it or even give reasons. If asked, just say it’s not for you. That’s assertive while avoiding a fuss.

Rhaidimiddim · 14/04/2026 12:37

Whatever else you do, don't lie to your husband.

I wouldn't want to go to a stripper show - tacky, tacky, tacky.

AmusedMember · 14/04/2026 12:37

So if your husband attends one and lies, that's ok?

purplecorkheart · 14/04/2026 12:37

CatttS · 14/04/2026 11:05

It’s only a day rather than weekend and this takes up a big chunk of the day

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I would still give it a miss and try and find something fun to do in the area instead.

Rhaidimiddim · 14/04/2026 12:38

CatttS · 14/04/2026 11:05

It’s only a day rather than weekend and this takes up a big chunk of the day

Show quote history

Jees, have these people no imagination! So many options for a day out, and they choose sleaze.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2026 12:40

I’d probably go and have gone in the past when it was more acceptable (full frontal). That was more about curiosity, as it was very novel when I was much younger and more naive. I actually found it a bit cringey and declined others. As pp said male strip shows nowadays are mostly more about humour than full frontal nudity. The Magic Mike one really is a good laugh.

Go to the event but leave for the show or join them for drinks later. I’m surprised the show would take up a huge portion of the day.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 14/04/2026 12:40

Stompythedinosaur · 14/04/2026 11:09

Well, lying to your DH is obviously the most unreasonable option.

I don't honestly think a male strip show is the equivalent of a female strip show. Women are the oppressed gender in our society, so men goggling at a more vulnerable group is different to women goggling at a more socially powerful group. It's not creepy in the same way, not is it as likely to be exploitative.

That's not to say you should go, of course. That's a personal decision.

Wow, are you kidding?

Have you ever seen these male strip shows? They pull women up on the stage and grind all over them. One my friend went to last year he was grabbing her hands and putting them down his trousers. I have had another friend have a penis dipped into her drink. Gross.

Just because some women work in strip clubs because they feel they have no choice, many actually chose to do it and enjoy what they do. They are not all exploited vulnerable women being taken advantage of. My friends sister worked in one for years and had a blast. Not something I would do but I never judged her for choosing to do it.

And women leering and cheering at men getting is just as bad as men doing the exact same thing. Its all pretty grim IMO. All of it is pretty tasteless and tacky.

I wouldn't go to a male strip show because its not my thing, and I would not appreciate my DH attending the equivalent.

Trainup · 14/04/2026 12:40

Maybe this will make you re-think how controlling you are of your DP? Seems ok for you to do

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/04/2026 12:43

I wouldn’t go. I always thought I was ok about that stuff but I went to a ‘ladies night’ once. DH was fine with it but it made me feel grubby and uncomfortable so I would just make an excuse and not go. Unless it was magic Mike or something where I could sit far back in a crowd and not risk being pulled into it

LauraJaneGrace · 14/04/2026 12:46

I would just make your decision on whether or not to go based on what you actually want to do.
You want to go, go.
You think you'll hate it, then don't go.

But I wouldn't be turning any of this into a moral dilemma concerning my DP.
It's not that deep.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 14/04/2026 12:47

I think the obvious answer here is for you to tell your DP of the hen night plans and see what his reaction is. He will either laugh and tell you to go and have a great time, or he may say he would prefer you not to go. Then there is your answer.

But just bear in mind, that if you choose to go, if he says he doesn't mind, then you are opening the door for him to attend strip clubs and lap dancing bars. How would you feel if he went to one of those? Because you can't tell him you would not want him to do this, when you have done it yourself. Its not one rule for me and another for you. That is not how relationships work.

But definitely DO NOT lie. If he finds out that it was planned in advance and everyone knew beforehand it could come back to bite you on the ass. As well as the fact that lying to your DP is a crappy thing to do in the first place.

jetlag92 · 14/04/2026 12:47

5128gap · 14/04/2026 11:19

I wouldn't go personally. There's nothing fun, empowering or sauce for the goose about a bunch of women kneeling at the feet of and fawning over a guy who likely despises them. If thats what floats your boat, there's plenty of men who'd oblige for free so God knows why women think they have to pay for it.
I'd hope the logistics of the night would mean I could miss that part out. But if not I'd not be able to go.

I feel the same.

Most of my friends do as well, but I just said that I would skip that part with my cousin and SIL and it was fine.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 14/04/2026 12:48

Stripperyone · 14/04/2026 12:23

I am not saying this doesn't ever happen, but I have worked all over the country as a stripper and I haven't ever known a private room for masturbation at even one of them.

I do agree that it is different. A male strip show isn't a private intimate experience with one person gyrating naked body parts onto one other person. They tend to be stage shows, mainly for humour.

That's before we get into historical oppression and the fact that men are not a marginalised group.

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What do men do then, really turned on with hard ons? Do they just wait for it to go away?

I've never been to a strip club but saw some footage of a famous person wanking in a private room at a strip club. The security guard sold the CCTV footage

Peonies12 · 14/04/2026 12:48

Sounds great I’ll go instead of you. We did a magic Mike show in Benidorm it was so ridiculously fun. Just tell him, but also loosen up and let him go.

LT1233 · 14/04/2026 12:51

Jerseymilkshake · 14/04/2026 11:00

Surely there's a third option of - have an honest conversation with your husband. If he's uncomfortable then go to the rest of the hen do but skip the stripper?
That's what I would do and equally expect any partner to do.

This

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 14/04/2026 12:53

LauraJaneGrace · 14/04/2026 12:46

I would just make your decision on whether or not to go based on what you actually want to do.
You want to go, go.
You think you'll hate it, then don't go.

But I wouldn't be turning any of this into a moral dilemma concerning my DP.
It's not that deep.

It is common courtesy and respectful to involve your DP in things such as this.

So if he wanted to go to a strip club then he should go? He shouldn't run this past her to see how she felt about him looking at naked women dancing around in front of him?

Anyone in a committed relationship would mention this to their partner to see how they felt about it first, unless they have already had the talk in the past and both decided neither could give a toss about such things.

LadyVioletBridgerton · 14/04/2026 12:53

I wouldn’t go, that’s gross.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 14/04/2026 12:55

You should not lie.

It would be hypocritical for you to go if you prevent your partner from attending similar as an equally reluctant spectator on a stag night. Assuming you both have trust that there would be no touching/sexual contact.

TheDenimPoet · 14/04/2026 12:56

If it was me, I would leave while the stripper was there - not out of any kind of moral, or high and mighty reason, just because it would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I wouldn't enjoy it in the slightest. You could just do that?

You also say it's "not the same thing" as female strippers. Why? You're still objectifying.

Blondiebeachbabe · 14/04/2026 12:57

Male strippers are pretty tame, compared to female strippers and lap dances in proper clubs. Mine didn't even take his pants off. 😂

HensInTheSkirtingBoardAgain · 14/04/2026 12:57

Why isn’t this the same as a strip club for a man ?

usual double standards on here, but what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander

CheeseWisely · 14/04/2026 12:58

I wouldn’t go. I’ve been to a hen do once with a stripper (it was a surprise to everyone except the organiser) and honestly it was beyond awful. He was an hour late, obviously off his face, the most incredibly cringey experience I’ve ever had. Several of us were fuming that our money had been spent on it without consultation.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/04/2026 12:58

Jerseymilkshake · 14/04/2026 11:00

Surely there's a third option of - have an honest conversation with your husband. If he's uncomfortable then go to the rest of the hen do but skip the stripper?
That's what I would do and equally expect any partner to do.

I agree

FeelingALittleWoozyHere · 14/04/2026 13:01

PantaloonMad · 14/04/2026 11:24

If it’s the Magic Mike show, that’s really not the same as attending a strip club where girls are half or fully nude and offering extras in the back. it’s a theatre/dance show. Yes they are scantily clad at times but they are professional dancers, not sex workers.

if it’s that big a deal though then like others have said just go for the meal/drinks before and skip that part. It’s not that difficult!

This exactly

There is a big difference between male dancers taking their tops off and women who have been potentially trafficked / forced into stripping or sex work

EdithBond · 14/04/2026 13:02

CheeseWisely · 14/04/2026 12:58

I wouldn’t go. I’ve been to a hen do once with a stripper (it was a surprise to everyone except the organiser) and honestly it was beyond awful. He was an hour late, obviously off his face, the most incredibly cringey experience I’ve ever had. Several of us were fuming that our money had been spent on it without consultation.

Prob had to be off his face to get himself through it 🤢