To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

[HowSharperThan]

'This' being that when I was 17, a few weeks before my Dad announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, I randomly saved all of his/ their financial information/ files/ spreadsheets etc from the family computer onto an external hard drive. When he then started being tricky/ outrageously dishonest about financial disclosure etc and had, it turned out, deleted all those files so she couldn't get a handle on anything, I gave her the hard drive and she and her lawyers were I think able to use the info about accounts he had etc to ensure he didn't totally screw her over.

She periodically uses this as evidence that I 'must' have known about his affair long before she did, and therefore should have told her. Or occasionally just as evidence of my cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature.

But - while I realise it wasn't exactly a great thing to do - I absolutely did not know he was having an affair, and have never really been sure why I did it at all!

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy. And that triggered a thought/ sudden insight that my Mum knew absolutely nothing about what he was doing with their finances, and that if he ever did leave or even die suddenly she wouldn't know what was what. So that evening after he'd gone to bed I just went down and copied all the financial files onto the hard-drive, and stuck it back in my room. I never looked at them or even thought about them again, until she was upset about all the financial stuff during their divorce. At the time I definitely didn't actually consciously think he WAS doing anything he shouldn't, and had no reason to distrust him. It was honestly just an impulse to do it, that for some reason I acted on rather than dismissing as bizarre/ thinking through that it was a bad thing to do.

Anyway this all got dragged out again today, as evidence of how I 'always' keep secrets and what an awful thing it was to have done. I know I shouldn't have done it, but also always feel slightly bitter that she happily used the ill-gotten information yet still has a go at me about it!

AIBU?

Strange way for her to frame this. If she brings it up again or if you decide to try and have a conversation about it , you could tell her that, most mothers would see it as their daughter going out of her way to try to protect her. . You were clever and brave and loyal , I would be ever grateful to you for having my back. Sad that instead ,she is determined to use this as a way to try demonstrate flaws in your character. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished !

Do people even have files and files of financial information stored in their computers? I certainly don't.

I don't and never had but almost 20 years ago my flatmate did (possibly still does, we've long since lost touch). She had spreadsheets of budgets, different accounts, savings targets etc so it doesn't feel that out of the way to me. I only know because we once talked about keeping track of money and she told me about her system.

I wonder whether the family had different log ins to the same computer and this was in his 'area' so he assumed no one else would look, or he didn't care if they looked before but didn't want a list of assets to survive?

Either way your mother is cruel to keep bringing this up.

This. Time to have it out after 17 years. Her bitterness is falling on your shoulders.

I'm sorry your mum has been like this with you.

Personally I would have been proud you saved her a lot of money.

In your shoes I would say one last time it was intuition you didn't know about the affair but something felt off and her anger and upset is directed completely at the wrong person. It's not acceptable to use you as an emotional punching bag and should this continue then you will be distancing yourself from her to protect your own well being.

I expect you knew something was wrong, intuition is a powerful tool. Maybe not an affair, but he could have been ill, or anything really. People sneaking about having affairs change behaviour and I expect you’d noticed the change in him…Excellent forward thinking really. I can see your mums point but it’s a bit rich when she’s used it to her benefit!

Could you say "I didn't know about the affair. I thought it would be helpful to you to have the information but I won't help in future. No good deed goes unpunished!"
Then every time she says it say "I won't help in future."

I ignored my intuition the other day and lost an item I loved - if I'd listened to my intuition, I'd still have it. It's good for your mum that you didn't ignore your intuition. She should be grateful but she sounds the suspicious type and not in touch with her own intuition, otherwise she would just accept that you had a flash of insight and acted on it.

Ref her accusation about the affair. I'd just say calmly to her next time she brings it up or even bring it up yourself "look, I'm kind of fed up with these accusations Mum. Your suspicions about me are yours to carry and I won't be carrying them anymore." And then leave it there.

Well done. You have great instincts. Perhaps your mother cannot bring herself to believe that she did not see the divorce coming and you somehow in some way sensed it?

I think the crux of the issue here is that your Mum is furious with herself for not realising something was wrong. She is the adult, but it took her 17 year old daughter, after noticing her Dad behaving oddly over the family computer, to realise there was something amiss.

Your Dad had no reason to password protect the financials on the PC. He knew your Mum was completely oblivious over finances, and it wouldn't enter her head to go looking. Your Mum may also be angry at herself, for not being involved with the family finances. Her ignorance, nearly cost her a decent divorce settlement.

She's taking out her anger on you. You were 17, of course you didn't think Dad is having an affair. It was his secretive behaviour over the PC that drew your attention. You automatically took copies of the financials, because, I assume that was probably the only information stored on there!!

I think you need to either have the entire situation out with your Mum, or grey rock her. She should be proud of your intuition, rather than accusing you of being a dubious character. She should be ashamed of the way she's treating you.

As pp stated, grey rock. No matter what you say, how likely is she to change her version after 17 years? I would not waste my effort and emotional energy trying to change her story, no matter how unfair and untrue it is. She believes and says what she wants.

"Right you are mum - when you're losing your marbles and handing over your money to a con artist, I won't lift a finger. I won't be discussing this again". Then don't. Logic is for logical people.

I’m absolutely baffled how your mum is even annoyed about this. She should be thanking you! I’m worried what weird and cruel messaging you received from her growing up if she is using this against you as an example of various unpleasant characteristics. How dare she! I’m slightly furious for you

You did something incredibly smart and sophisticated. Tell your mum that and then that it's off limits as a topic. Madwoman.

My dad hid his finances from mum and I wish I'd had your foresight before he took off.

OP,

You are the scapegoat here.

You did everything right.

Well done, you! Xx

Well, she still clearly hasn’t gone over the divorce!
She’s been deeply unreasonable and very nasty. She should thank you, even if she does suspect you have been secretive, rather than throw it in your face.
Sounds to me like it is sit down with mummy time, one final time of explaining what happened, and a threat of your choosing around if she ever brings it up again then this will be the consequence

What a mumsnet hero you were/are! At 17 too. I’m sorry your mum doesn’t know what a star you are. Maybe she’s still very hurt. Tell her one more time you didn’t know and going forward you would like matter dropped so you and her can have a good relationship. And then come on here from time to time and teach other women about ducks and rows . I expect it’s all “clouds” these days and not hard drives?

I’m really fascinated by what sits in conscious awareness and what is unconscious. There is no doubt that was an odd thing to do, and one neither of you can make sense of easily. However it sounds as though your intuition or your sub conscious knew your dad was behaving secretively or strangely, or it would not have occurred to you that saving this info would be helpful.
your mum is clearly projecting anger with your dad onto the nearest person (you), and it’s totally not ok. I think you need to tell her how much it upsets you.
And trust your instinct! It sounds good.

Do people even have files and files of financial information stored in their computers? I certainly don't. That might be why I'm so poor!

Probably not now, but certainly they did in the days before the cloud. My father used to keep all the information about his shares and accounts on his computer.

Interesting that your Mum is able to turn this against you, instead the other way round.

You mum owes you a bloody thank you. You saved her bacon big time. And even if you DID know about the affair, it was not your responsibility to get involved in your parents relationship and tell her. She would have probably blamed you for getting involved anyway.

Its sad that in hindsight, you would have been better off just letting your dad fuck her over twice.

Just tell her that you didn't know at the time that your dad was having an affair but that you now understand why he divorced her.

I agree with this.

I used to tell my mum she should leave my dad all the time when I was a teenager. Because to me it was pretty obvious he had absolutely no respect for her (or any of us) and was sneaking around.

Eventually when I was 16 he left her for his 25 year old assistant.

My mum spat at me one day “well at least you finally got your way”.

For some absurd reason she always blamed me for them splitting up.

This! It was such a clever and deeply thoughtful thing to do, maybe you wouldn’t have ever needed it but having the foresight to do it was amazing. What an ungrateful idiot your mum is. Sounds like she’d use just about anything she could as ‘proof’ you’re ‘no good’ op, I wouldn’t say having someone like that around was very pleasant, myself.

You're an absolute legend Op. I could barely string a coherent sentence together at 17, never mind prevent my mum from being unfairly treated during a divorce.

Say yes next time mum I get a flash of intuition that you might somehow get fucked over, I'll just allow it to happen ,so that you can't accuse me retrospectively of being untrustworthy. You would be a lot worse off if I hadn't been 'sneaky' as you see it at that time. Perhaps you could be a little bit more grateful rather than accusatory. I wasn't the one who did anything wrong. You weren't on the ball about your finances and Dad was prepared to have you over financially but yes blame the 17 year old who saved your arse.