To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

[HowSharperThan]

'This' being that when I was 17, a few weeks before my Dad announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, I randomly saved all of his/ their financial information/ files/ spreadsheets etc from the family computer onto an external hard drive. When he then started being tricky/ outrageously dishonest about financial disclosure etc and had, it turned out, deleted all those files so she couldn't get a handle on anything, I gave her the hard drive and she and her lawyers were I think able to use the info about accounts he had etc to ensure he didn't totally screw her over.

She periodically uses this as evidence that I 'must' have known about his affair long before she did, and therefore should have told her. Or occasionally just as evidence of my cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature.

But - while I realise it wasn't exactly a great thing to do - I absolutely did not know he was having an affair, and have never really been sure why I did it at all!

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy. And that triggered a thought/ sudden insight that my Mum knew absolutely nothing about what he was doing with their finances, and that if he ever did leave or even die suddenly she wouldn't know what was what. So that evening after he'd gone to bed I just went down and copied all the financial files onto the hard-drive, and stuck it back in my room. I never looked at them or even thought about them again, until she was upset about all the financial stuff during their divorce. At the time I definitely didn't actually consciously think he WAS doing anything he shouldn't, and had no reason to distrust him. It was honestly just an impulse to do it, that for some reason I acted on rather than dismissing as bizarre/ thinking through that it was a bad thing to do.

Anyway this all got dragged out again today, as evidence of how I 'always' keep secrets and what an awful thing it was to have done. I know I shouldn't have done it, but also always feel slightly bitter that she happily used the ill-gotten information yet still has a go at me about it!

AIBU?

I’m sorry Mum, I picked up on very subtle signs and that maybe is a sign my childhood was always fight or flight. I shouldn’t have said anything.

It was intuition. That simple. Cant say why your mum wont let it go 17 years on but next time she says anything about your 'nature', id tell her to look in the mirror at herself, you spoke the truth and its her that cant accept it. Tell her that you cant change the truth to fit her ill narrative.

This.

From what you said, she got a fair deal in the divorce because of your actions? Any other person would be thankful and focus on that.

I’d struggle to spend time with her at all if she keeps bringing it up. Clearly her life hasn’t much moved on in the last few years, which is awful to see. Bitterness begets bitterness and misery. She should be thanking you and trusting you. I am sorry OP.

I would honestly say to her that you can’t spend time with her if she can’t trust you and thank you for saving her bacon!

I think this is the crux of it. Your mum was oblivious and deep down she is furious with herself that you worked out something was off before she did. It was an exceptionally insightful, but also conversely slightly naive, thing to do - I think in the circumstances, even as a teenager, I would have assumed affair but that would not have led me to think ahead and copy financial data. So in thinking - middle aged bloke is hiding something- your brain went to money whereas I think most people would think sex. I suspect it’s this unusual thinking process which your mum can’t get her head around and it feeds into her own feelings of betrayal and stupidity.
But of course, 17 years on she should not be bringing this up.

I assume there is more of a backstory to the relationship and not only this one thing? She doesn’t sound very nice.

I think ywbu because it wasn't your place to get financial information, it was your parents business.

I agree,just don't discuss it with her at all.just tell her you won't talk to her about it again. How can she not see you did her a huge favour?

Presumably your mother benefited from your flash of intuition? In that case, rather than be a bitter witch about it she should be thankful. And I’d tell her that.

Poor OP - trapped between a lying conniving father and a mother who seems to be a professional victim. You did an amazing thing for her and I think it's nuts that she is angry at you for it. I hope you have a nice sane family of your own, whether it's with friends or a partner & kids. If you don't, you deserve one. 💐

My biggest issue with this is the way she portrays you as a person rather than the reference to one act. I mean at 17 even if you had of known about the affair, it’s not on you to have managed that between your parents so it’s in itself a moot point
has your mum always made you feel like a bad person?
unfortunately I have a mum who likes to use me to channel alot of stuff she doesn’t like or can’t handle about herself so I kind of grew up thinking I was lots of things that I now realise I’m not or at least that doesn’t define me
it sounds pretty abusive, keeping you in the frame for all the bad stuff that happened back then, because she can’t really flog your dad for it as she would have liked to seen as he left (I assume). Take a step back from the noise around this particular situation OP and reflect on the bigger picture of your relationship with your mum and how she treats you / makes you feel. The upshot being none of this is yours to carry x

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy.

This doesn’t really make any sense. The files were saved on the family computer, not his personal one, and they weren’t even password protected, so not sure why he would have jumped.

I feel for you op when my dad left it was a sharp shock I was never given a reason just my mum said that he didn’t love us all anymore. It ate into me and my brothers as mum wouldn’t let him see us.

One day I found his address on a divorce letter and went and knocked on the door I was 15 and I needed to know why he abandoned us. He couldn’t really give me a reason but at least I tried. Didn’t speak to him again.

2 years later when my brother was being told off for something he told mum what I did. I was called all the names under the sun and thrown out for a week. It still haunts me now and it is thrown in my face regularly that I am cold, sneaky, 2 face no amount of explaining my reason has ever been good enough. When it gets thrown in my face now I just say yep that’s me master of deceit. It’s amazing how one small action can dictate the rest of your life’s relationship with someone.

You were very smart. Your mum should be thanking you.
Even if you did know about his affair, you were a child yourself.

Is she a total narcissist? Does she not recognise you did her a favour? You drew the short straw with parents. Sorry op X

I’m more interested in how your dad treats you now?

Your mum will never be able to get her head round this so there is no point trying to convince her otherwise. She is obviously holding on to the hurt she felt because of what your father did.

For a 17 year old, the saving of financial records was incredibly astute and clever. Something that would never occur to the average 17 year old. Your mother is just unable to understand that you had the foresight to do this. She is unable to see another point of view. Is she closed minded in other ways?

Whenever she brings the subject up, ignore and talk about something else. You are not going to change her mind at this stage.

YANBU.

As children we can intuit when something is very wrong between 2 adults, even if we are not told anything.

I have a very strong memory 50 years on from being the young child I was then, of my parents eating a meal together in absolute silence. I didn't know why at the time, but it felt "off" - the atmosphere was icy cold. They announced a divorce shortly afterwards.

So it seems that you equally sensed something wrong and rightly guessed it was linked to finances though you couldn't have understood anything. You did the right thing and your mum is being so harsh to blame you for acting on your instincts which were spot on and helpful to her.

What did your dad say about it at the time?

If she's not dropping it I would have it out. Tell her you're not being dishonest and resent the constant implications. Tell her you genuinely can't explain why you did it other than he looked a bit shifty but isn't she glad you did? Tell her she should be thanking you not accusing you of something you didn't do. Tell her you were a child. Tell her how the constant bringing up of this. Akes you feel. Ask her if sh wants to ruin your relationship over this. Tell her this is the end of it now. You would like an apology and want her to stop now. Tell her you understand she is still upset over what happened but maybe try therapy rather than taking it out on you.

Your mum if mentioning it at all should be reminding you of how you helped. The IT world in 2009 was different from now and not every person of your age would have known what to do, never mind actually having the presence of mind as you did.

I only wish what you did happened more often, given how many people hide money for deception.

Oh my days - if only you’d whispered in my ear when my STBX was on a business trip in 2010!

I am sorry she keeps doing this when you saved her a lot of money, time and trouble! She's wrong.