To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

[HowSharperThan]

'This' being that when I was 17, a few weeks before my Dad announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, I randomly saved all of his/ their financial information/ files/ spreadsheets etc from the family computer onto an external hard drive. When he then started being tricky/ outrageously dishonest about financial disclosure etc and had, it turned out, deleted all those files so she couldn't get a handle on anything, I gave her the hard drive and she and her lawyers were I think able to use the info about accounts he had etc to ensure he didn't totally screw her over.

She periodically uses this as evidence that I 'must' have known about his affair long before she did, and therefore should have told her. Or occasionally just as evidence of my cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature.

But - while I realise it wasn't exactly a great thing to do - I absolutely did not know he was having an affair, and have never really been sure why I did it at all!

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy. And that triggered a thought/ sudden insight that my Mum knew absolutely nothing about what he was doing with their finances, and that if he ever did leave or even die suddenly she wouldn't know what was what. So that evening after he'd gone to bed I just went down and copied all the financial files onto the hard-drive, and stuck it back in my room. I never looked at them or even thought about them again, until she was upset about all the financial stuff during their divorce. At the time I definitely didn't actually consciously think he WAS doing anything he shouldn't, and had no reason to distrust him. It was honestly just an impulse to do it, that for some reason I acted on rather than dismissing as bizarre/ thinking through that it was a bad thing to do.

Anyway this all got dragged out again today, as evidence of how I 'always' keep secrets and what an awful thing it was to have done. I know I shouldn't have done it, but also always feel slightly bitter that she happily used the ill-gotten information yet still has a go at me about it!

AIBU?

My mum often brings up things that happened a long time ago. My response is to say "mum, that happened 40 years ago, I don't need to hear it again".

You need to find a stock phrase to say to your mum " mum, stop bringing this up repeatedly, it's sad that you don't believe me, but not my problem, every time you bring it up, I will leave" and then leave.

She also needs therapy if she can't move past it.

I’m sorry OP that is really tough. I can relate to this so much and in my experience, people don’t really change. You can try reasoning with them over and over but you’ll drive yourself crazy because they’re not coming from a place of logic or sense. Have you considered going low-contact?

Tell her that without that information she would have been left with nothing so instead of hating you for having it, she should look around her and thank you because she sure as shit wouldn't have come out so well.

And if she carries on then maybe its time to start thinking whether she just wants to hurt you and whether you actually want her in your life.

I can't imagine having the foresight to do that at 17. It would never have crossed my mind in a million years! Anyway, lucky for your mum that you did. I would totally push back and tell her in no uncertain terms to shut the fuck up and why she's an ungrateful cow.

I can relate to this way of thinking because my brain occasionally likes to be prepared for a random scenario and pokes me until I take steps to do something about it. Then it shuts up and I can forget about it and go about my life. It’s actually been very useful to people at various points over the years so they don’t tend to laugh much anymore. I was another child who got accused of knowing things and copped it for being too much like their dad as well 🙄

You did her a massive favour. It's weird sometimes how you do something instinctively without really knowing why.
She should appreciate that and just be grateful. Unfortunately, people sometimes fixate blame on the wrong person. I'm sure she has a lot of unresolved issues with your dad. She should be focusing them on him not you.

"You're just like your dad..."

Is a phrase from my childhood too.

Have a look for Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on parentification. I've not listened to it yet but probably should and it will probably be really illuminating.

Also the one on being the "planner" in the family and how they need looking after. 🤗

This and tell her this and that you won’t put up with it any more!

M

It's misplaced anger. Suggest that to her if you get the opportunity. Mum is thinking what happened, going over and over to figure out how you saw what she didn't.

Sounds to me like your mother resents you a great deal, for some reason.
Your mother was an idiot not to have a handle on finances, no matter what your relationship is like the financial information should be an open book- if it is not that is a huge red flag.
Blaming you for helping her is ridiculous-, as is assuming you are untrustworthy.

I would say fine, but remember every time you can pay a bill and can afford a decent life that is down to me- you want to blame me instead of your own stupidity and suspicion- fine, get back to me when you have got over it , because
i have had enough of this nonsense, and l don't need it- so don't contact me until you can drop it.

i

It sounds like ever since you were very young, you felt you had to take responsibility for things which should not have been your responsibility.

It makes sense in that context that you would have a tendency to accumulate 'tools' to take responsibility. You saw the files, thought 'when Dad isn't here any more I will be responsible for this' and put it somewhere where you knew you would find it. Ditto with your garden shed stuff.

No surprises then that your mother is still trying to place responsibility for your father's affair disclosure on you. You seem to deal fairly well with the burden that was placed on you. Unfortunately, she will never change, and will continue to see you as the parent rather than the child. Not much you can do about that, other than ignore it.

Sounds familiar!

YANBU. Sounds like your mum hasn’t healed from the affair/break up and is displacing her feelings of betrayal of trust on to you. Affairs are so damaging because it’s humiliating and unsettling to be so hoodwinked. I assume she hasn’t had therapy nor would consider it?

I guess all you can do is not take it to heart. You did absolutely nothing wrong:

• You were a child.
• Your father’s deceit (both financial and emotional) was his problem, not yours.
• Even if you’d known about the affair, it’s v unreasonable of a parent to expect a child to get involved in their parents’ relationship, choose sides or act in a way that’s likely to break up their family.
• Your gut instinct and foresight are commendable. And have no doubt made your mum’s life easier, financially.
• Your actions aren’t signs of untrustworthy or secretive behaviour: it was a family computer you were allowed to use, the files weren’t password protected and you only kept them safe. You didn’t look at them or share them with anyone else - and only with your mum when clearly needed.

You did your mum a massive favour with having all
the information , tell her if it wasn’t for you she would have got nothing!! And she should be grateful

You were incredibly asute and thank goodness, but I can understand why your mum is jumping to the wrong conclusion. It does sound unlikely that you didn't have a clue, even if it's the truth.

Your dad must have been giving off some weird vibes for a while that subconciously made you distrust him a bit anyway. Even if you didn't know he was having an affair, there must been some sort of awareness, even if you couldn't fully put our finger on it at the time, that he was behaving distantly in general.

The fact that you immediately jumped to the correct conclusion that he was being secretive around his finances is not the normal reaction of a teenager who had no reason not to trust their dad, based on that one incident alone. All you can do it try to explain that to your mum. Say I don't know how I knew, I just knew something wasn't right. But I had no idea what.

Remind her that your dad kept secrets not you. Tell her to take it up with him. You did her a favour and she's using it against you.

You got a twinkle. That's it, it happens to most of us at least once.

Tell your mother that if it hadn't have been for you she would have been screwed in the divorce. That you didn't know and if she doesn't shut the fuck up about it then you'll have to option to cut ties with her.

This shit is ingrained. The way you handle it doesn't work. Go for the throat.

Another technique for people who can’t move on/hold grudges/only want to complain/criticise is to push the solution back onto them, e.g. “What do you feel needs to happen to resolve this?”.

Obvs, if she’s looking for you to apologise, admit you did something wrong or that you have some sort of character flaw/behaviour problem (secrecy), that should be a hard no from you.

Sounds like you're the only one in the house with any common sense 🤣🤣🤣 Tell the ungrateful bat to get a grip, she should be thanking you.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I expect someone has already said this, but it's a weird quirk of human nature that it is so often true.

Yeah your mom has issues with your dad's dishonesty and she needs to cop on to herself. If you had loyalty to your dad and not to her you'd hardly have given her the files.
I'd explain what you said above once and then tell her to shut up about it to you and if she wants to talk any more about it go and get some counseling cos you're sick of hearing it.

Your mum should be eternally grateful for the fact that you listened to your intuition and did what you did. It must be very galling to feel that she keeps turning this back on you.

Not only should she let it go, she should do a complete 180 and thank her lucky stars you had so much nous!

@HowSharperThan - I know it’s not the main point of the thread, but I have to say I admire your way of dealing with sudden worries - like the prepping for a nuclear incident that you described. It sounds much healthier than not doing anything, but carrying on fretting over something, which is what I tend to do.

On the main subject - it is deeply unfair of your mum to have said the things she did in the first place and to keep dragging things up now. As other posters have said, she owes you a big debt of gratitude because your dad was trying to screw her over, financially, and you prevented that. It is sad that strangers on the internet can understand and accept the way you deal with sudden worries (‘do what I can and then shelve it’), and your own mum can’t.