To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

[HowSharperThan]

'This' being that when I was 17, a few weeks before my Dad announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, I randomly saved all of his/ their financial information/ files/ spreadsheets etc from the family computer onto an external hard drive. When he then started being tricky/ outrageously dishonest about financial disclosure etc and had, it turned out, deleted all those files so she couldn't get a handle on anything, I gave her the hard drive and she and her lawyers were I think able to use the info about accounts he had etc to ensure he didn't totally screw her over.

She periodically uses this as evidence that I 'must' have known about his affair long before she did, and therefore should have told her. Or occasionally just as evidence of my cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature.

But - while I realise it wasn't exactly a great thing to do - I absolutely did not know he was having an affair, and have never really been sure why I did it at all!

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy. And that triggered a thought/ sudden insight that my Mum knew absolutely nothing about what he was doing with their finances, and that if he ever did leave or even die suddenly she wouldn't know what was what. So that evening after he'd gone to bed I just went down and copied all the financial files onto the hard-drive, and stuck it back in my room. I never looked at them or even thought about them again, until she was upset about all the financial stuff during their divorce. At the time I definitely didn't actually consciously think he WAS doing anything he shouldn't, and had no reason to distrust him. It was honestly just an impulse to do it, that for some reason I acted on rather than dismissing as bizarre/ thinking through that it was a bad thing to do.

Anyway this all got dragged out again today, as evidence of how I 'always' keep secrets and what an awful thing it was to have done. I know I shouldn't have done it, but also always feel slightly bitter that she happily used the ill-gotten information yet still has a go at me about it!

AIBU?

"No you're right mum. I too wish I hadn't helped you back then as you've done nothing but give me grief and treat me with suspcison since - both of which are massively unfair when it was him who hurt you."

On repeat every time she mentions it.

How did you get all the information downloaded? Surely financial information would require access to protected systems, unless your dad weirdly filed a load of scanned-in documents in unencrypted folders, in a very orderly fashion.

It is such a bizarre thing to have successfully done, I can well understand why your mum still puzzles over it. Obviously it helped her and she should let it go, but I think incredulity would be quite understandable -not cruelty or talking down to you, that’s definitely not acceptable.

At this point I'd tell her to drop it. You were just 17, FFS. You had not understanding of what was going on. Your mother's anger us significantly misplaced and she is using you as the target when she has never gotten iver the betrayal of her husband. I'd be fed up, tbh. I'd tell her to shut it and get counselling unless she wants to destroy the relationship with you.
Please don't take on any responsibility for her emotions and suspicions and if you have, get counselling yourself.

Your mum sounds like work and what you described her sheds light on why your parents divorced.

It is not up to the child to explain anything other than leave 'me out of it'

It is not up to anyones child to be involved in their parents relationship, even if a child knows it is up to the parents not the child

Even if you knew your father is to blame for putting you in that situation (or mother if they were cheating) you are not to blame and I know going NC is the in thing on here I would be sayong you mention it to me again I will be going NC

Adult children or not why do parents think their children are counsellors?

You had an odd feeling, in other words, @HowSharperThan— and I completely understand that.

I was lying on my parents bed, watching their crappy little black & white tv - because whatever everybody else was watching in the other room I didn’t like.
So my dad comes in, gets in his wallet on top of his dresser and pulls out a note - and read it under the light of the lamp. I wasn’t paying any attention until he laughed this dirty, leery, laugh. Only I didn’t know that’s what it was - just that I’d never heard it before and it was off - it gave me an odd feeling.
So for the first and only time in my entire life I looked in Daddy’s wallet. And the note said ”I’ll have drinks with you but I won’t park with you.”
I was sick. I wrote him a note and told him I wouldn’t tell Mum unless he didn’t, and that since. It was 2 weeks until sisters wedding, I’d give him until after that.
Then he chased me down and tailgated me while I had my grandfather in the car. I was terrified of arriving at my Papa’s barbar shop, where I took him every 2 weeks.
So I caught my dad and he went insane.
We called a truce at sisters wedding, which means I had to apologise.
Christ.

I think what you did on instinct was impressive. She should be forever grateful to you for having had the nous that she, as a mature adult, didn't have. I would be telling her this straight in a respectful but firm way. If she says it again, calmly repeat it, each and every time.

I can see why she’s suspicious, and subconsciously maybe you did know something was going on, even though you couldn’t get your head around it or articulate it at the time.

Either way she certainly shouldn’t still be giving you a hard time about it after this many years!

Your mothers ungrateful and bonkers attitude towards you clearly explains why your father had an affair and left her.

You have amazing instincts OP, and your Mum should be thanking you forevermore!
I can't imagine why she's behaved in this way for so many years, just some people are weird and focus on the wrong things/people to blame when things go bad.

Your mum is completely unreasonable, illogical and unfair, as you know.

Her issue is that she needs someone to lash out at, and since she can't lash out at your dad because he's long gone, lashing out at you is easier than blaming herself.

Affairs are rarely "out of the blue" and she knows deep down there were signs, there always are. She just can't admit it to herself.

Perhaps you need to have it out with her once and for all. Tell her bluntly that if she doesn't stop, she could lose you too.

I have to say i would say very sharply don’t worry mum, if I ever again have the opportunity to save you from being financially screwed over, I will step firmly back and do nothing, I’ve learnt my lesson from your constant accusations despite my saving your bacon with that file.

I think your subconscious, not your conscious mind, had already noted some furtiveness and oddness round your father and his finances. People get furtive round their finances when they are doing something dishonest - whether cheating their spouse or HMRC and your subconscious was probably chewing that over. Your mother though is an ungrateful cow. Your father is the one who had the affair and was the one with the "cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature!" That's the man she chose to marry and what difference would it have made if she'd known a few weeks earlier. It doesn't sound like she would have had the commonsense to download the financial information. Your mother should be exceedingly grateful rather than railing like a petulant child.

Your actions could have saved the moany cow from financial ruin!

It sounds like she is carrying some misplaced resentment or anger about what happened and directing it towards you. Her reaction is nuts given your actions were incredible at that young age and helped her massively

Personally, I would be tempted to say 'I'm sorry my ability to save you financially bothers you mum. I'll take that extra money you got off your hands. I'm sure you'll feel better then'.

I would send your mum this is text form. If she cannot let it go after that, I would consider distancing myself from her to protect you.

I'm amazed that you are still in contact with the ungrateful bitch.

No wonder there was a divorce. Is she always so unpleasant?

And even if you did know about the affair SO WHAT you were 17? I would completely blame my DH for putting you in that position.

Its a shame your mum doesn't appreciate what a perceptive and proactive daughter she has. You helped her a lot. Perhaps she is still overwhelmed with grief and shock taking it out on you. Not good, I hope your relationship can survive if it's good in other ways.

What a lovely woman to be upset that her own daughter saved her from a financially ruinous divorce 🤨 Next time she brings it up, tell her you’re building a Time Machine so you can go back and undo that action since that’s what she seems to want. She’ll make some comment at this point that that’s stupid and she doesn’t mean that or something. It is at this point that I recommend a phrase you will need to use, probably often, for the rest of your relationship with her (until you eventually go low or no contact):
”Then why the fuck did you say it, Mother?”

@HowSharperThan I think the phrase your DM is looking for is 'thank you.' She benefitted hugely from your forethought, whether or not it was calculated.

Whenever she starts on this weird take on the situation, just keep repeating 'you're welcome'.

What amazing foresight to show at such a young age, and what help it gave to your mother in the years after. Its really awful to have such a lack gratitude towards you. She should be thankful to have had such a mindful daughter in that moment!

Have you challenged her thinking or explained the situation as you’ve explained it to us and told her she should be grateful to you? That you did her a massive favour and instead of being grateful she has continually thrown it in your face?

If my 17 year old daughter had the foresight, gumption and intelligence to do this I’d be singing her praises from the rooftops. What a smart kid you were!

I’m sorry your mum doesn’t see it that way, but her feelings of betrayal and the affair and secrets and lies are all muddled up and she is projecting that onto this incident. What you did was not devious, it was with good intent and thank goodness you did it!

see it as something amazing you did that not only benefitted your mum (even if she isn’t in the headspace to be grateful to you) but for yourself. Any future inheritance will come from your mum I’m presuming, so you were also safeguarding assets for your future self.

be proud of yourself, and next time your mum mentions it say something like “I’m sorry you see it that way, and I hope you can heal from dad’s affair and betrayal” and change topic.

You did nothing wrong but I expect your mother still has strong lingering feelings of having been deceived and not knowing what went on in her relationship with your father and indeed her family and is projecting her own confusion onto you in an attempt to feel less stupid.