To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

[HowSharperThan]

'This' being that when I was 17, a few weeks before my Dad announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, I randomly saved all of his/ their financial information/ files/ spreadsheets etc from the family computer onto an external hard drive. When he then started being tricky/ outrageously dishonest about financial disclosure etc and had, it turned out, deleted all those files so she couldn't get a handle on anything, I gave her the hard drive and she and her lawyers were I think able to use the info about accounts he had etc to ensure he didn't totally screw her over.

She periodically uses this as evidence that I 'must' have known about his affair long before she did, and therefore should have told her. Or occasionally just as evidence of my cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature.

But - while I realise it wasn't exactly a great thing to do - I absolutely did not know he was having an affair, and have never really been sure why I did it at all!

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy. And that triggered a thought/ sudden insight that my Mum knew absolutely nothing about what he was doing with their finances, and that if he ever did leave or even die suddenly she wouldn't know what was what. So that evening after he'd gone to bed I just went down and copied all the financial files onto the hard-drive, and stuck it back in my room. I never looked at them or even thought about them again, until she was upset about all the financial stuff during their divorce. At the time I definitely didn't actually consciously think he WAS doing anything he shouldn't, and had no reason to distrust him. It was honestly just an impulse to do it, that for some reason I acted on rather than dismissing as bizarre/ thinking through that it was a bad thing to do.

Anyway this all got dragged out again today, as evidence of how I 'always' keep secrets and what an awful thing it was to have done. I know I shouldn't have done it, but also always feel slightly bitter that she happily used the ill-gotten information yet still has a go at me about it!

AIBU?

This is the kind of thing those quirky genius characters who get hired by the police as consultants do. I'd watch a few seasons of this show😂

On a serious note, that was really clever of you to do. I can imagine you must have a brilliant mind and your mum should be extremely proud and very grateful to you!
She's possibly embarrassed and jealous.

Your Mum has found a button she can push to get a reaction, and likely does so when she is triggered.

can you identify the trigger? Does she feel unsupported? Unsure? Alone?

I would try asking her about intent - what is her intent when she says this? What does she need from you?

and definitely a frank conversation that you have noticed the pattern, you can do nothing about what happened in the past or how she feels about that but that her inability to move on is detrimental to your current and future relationship with her- is that what she wants as she gets older? If she is a reader, try giving her one of the books on emotional intelligence and amygdala attacks - anything from Tackling your gremlin to Daniel Goleman on Emotional Intelligence could work (maybe read it yourself first and then pass on as a “I found this interesting “)

Your mother should be thankful she had such an insightful, intelligent, clever and practical daughter!! She should be thanking you!

Don‘t expect her to change. Every time she brings it up, hang up the phone or walk out of the house. Don‘t let yourself be talked to like that any more.
It‘s perfectly normal to suspect someone is a liar without knowing what they were lying about.

You were being dead sensible. Everyone knows stuff should be backed up, few people do it...

My parents marriage was pretty bad when I was 17 too and you do get a bit "parentified". Sounds like you were doing the sensible stuff whilst they fiddled and Rome burned. I was also 17 when my BF's DH told me he was having an affair, trust me, even if you did know, it's an impossible position to be in.

"Look round, Mum, see this house and your current standard of living, how would it look if I hadn't backed the computer files up?"

The more time I spend with my unhappy elderly DM, the more I realise what she says to me about me is a projection of her own regrets/bitterness.

Good woman!

She sounds like a vile bitter woman

Your mother is a lunatic and you are a superhero. Imagine having that much intuition and the bravery to act on it at 17! I wish you were my friend 😀😀😀

I find this absolutely mental . The thought would never ever have crossed my mind to do this at 17 even if I knew about an affair. It’s extraordinary and she is so lucky. I mean even if you did know about it it wouldn’t be your fault and she shoudnt blame you anyway . A 17 year old is a child .

No, she's actually very intelligent - at least in an academic way - but she can be quite naive, and is also generally incapable of keeping anything to herself, so I think distrusts anyone who can/ does.

You need to squarely tell her:
a) you were a child, even if you did have an intuition your dad had checked out of the family … what kind of mother blames a child for being in an impossible position like that? A bad mother, is the answer.

b) she is blaming you because she didn’t pick up on the signs of her ex’s unfaithfulness. It’s a way of letting herself off the hook and transferring emotional pain onto a soft target - her own child. That’s despicable.

Even if you knew (not that you did) it shouldn’t matter. That was not your responsibility and secret to keep, tell, or do anything with. You simple were looking out for your mum. Their relationship was their problem.

Your mother is a disgrace and a bully.
Take a lot of space from her.
Your instincts did her a great favour and she uses it as a stick to beat you with?

She sounds toxic.
Stop putting up with it.

What you did was amazing and obviously it’s a real smack in the face to instead be attacked for your actions. She obviously feels a lot of anger (undoubtedly all due to your father) which has been displaced on to you I’m sure because it felt embarrassing and like others knew more than her. If I were you I would write her a letter to say you understand how hurtful and humiliating it must have been but she must believe you and stop blaming/attacking you (and indeed, really, should thank you).

SO many times. But she basically just thinks it was too weird a thing to do for the explanation to make sense. Which I do get, but I think it's just a personality quirk/ the way I process things and deal with worries - I tend to think what might mitigate the worst case scenario, do what I can, then just shelve the whole subject away. Whereas she's much more of a ruminator/ chatter. I don't think she'd ever have a serious concern about anything without needing to talk about it to everyone before deciding what to do.

Sort of similar example: a few years ago DH was baffled to find a box of plastic sheeting and duct tape etc in our garden shed (said it looked like Dexter's tool kit 🤦🏻‍♀️) and when he asked I had to explain that I'd got randomly worried one night about the outbreak of nuclear war, so had looked up what one could do in preparation - decided on balance not much, but made sure we had a month's worth of canned food and water, and found out apparently sealing windows and doors is important, so I bought the equipment to do so, stuck it in a box and then didn't worry about it again. I'm not normally a prepper but in the absence of any actual ability to affect the outcome if nuclear war broke out, I've done what seems sensible and can now stop thinking about it. The financial info was sort of the same feeling. I couldn't stop my Dad being shifty or make sure my Mum took more of an interest, or affect whether they split up or something terrible happened, but I could make sure I knew where a copy of all the information was in case it was needed.

I do know this is probably a weird attitude/ approach to life - DH certainly thinks it is - but it is just how my brain seems to work, and she can't get her head round it as it's so alien to how she does things!

Your mother clearly had trust issues and she's projecting them onto you.
You can understand why, given the massive betrayal from the person that she was closest to.
Next time your mother brings it up you need to tell her that this is her problem, not yours. Tell her that she's pushing you away with her behaviour and urge her to seek therapy to help her process her issues properly so that she can stop using them as a stick to beat you with.

@HowSharperThantbh, even if you had know your dad was having an affair, it is ENTIRELY unfair of your mother to blame you for saying nothing at the time. As a child (even if nearly an adult), it would never have been your responsibility. Personally I would have felt very upset that my child had to carry this burden.

I can only assume that your mum still believes her marriage could have been saved and/or that she’s always seen you as Daddy’s little girl and now that includes being seen as deceitful as he was.

Well done for what you did and your mum needs to be told a few home truths.

No our relationship is generally quite strained... we were very close when I was younger and I do care about her very much, and I know she loves me. When on good form she is entertaining company. But she is quite emotionally immature and has put me and my brother into the role of parents/ confidantes/ therapists since we were too young, at the same time as being very strict and unapproachable when we were teenagers. She has also never really moved on from the breakdown of her marriage or her own parents' deaths a few years later. She would now like us to have a 'my daughter tells me everything' sort of relationship but we don't because when I am worried, stressed or upset about something I need to consider carefully whether I can also face absorbing her worry and emotions as well 🤷🏻‍♀️.

She does tend to say I am very like him 😂.

This is bringing back memories of my own teenage years with parents in a troubled marriage! I remember as a teenager being hyperalert to my parents issues and behaviour.

I expect you acted out of fear and self-preservation, as you had clocked he was up to no good - he made that much obvious to you, without you knowing any more, but your young dependent self sensed that your dad was no longer 100% on your side. You acted in self defence.

I expect your Mum feels a bit humiliated by the fact that she realises you sensed something before she did. Which is understandable - but just too bad, get over it, really. She's very lacking in insight to bring that up to your face, now. Fair enough to wail to her pals at the time 'what's worse even howsharper clocked something was up before I did" etc . But now? Ridiculous to bring it up.

You don't say much more about the relationship with your mother but if it's otherwise not to bad, I'd perhaps be inclined to try to overlook the carping as a result of the injury your Dad inflicted.

FWIW my final year at uni was fucked by the hideous messy implosion of my parent's marriage and my Mum's inability to cope. Decades on she has occasionally mentioned what a shame I didn't get a first. Well go figure, Mum!

It smarts, but luckily she doesn't labour the point, so I more or less brush it off. It's just a "don't go there" period altogether for me and not worth hashing out I don't think because it would just bring it all back again. Yes obviously its not ideal but I just don't think there would be anything to gain in my case from 'having it out'.

I can't advise you obviously but that's just my perspective. What your Mum is doing sounds a bit nastier so you might not find it so easy to brush off, I can see. Sorry that was all a bit incoherent!

He did exactly that! He had files and files of scanned statements, and various spreadsheets tracking spending and investments etc. He was a very high earner and liked trying to optimise investments etc. I don't think it would have occurred to him to password protect anything - it was on the 'family' computer but Mum didn't really use it and we only did for homework.

She's not a great Mum is she? I would not confide in her given this - she's going to make it about herself if you do, isn't she? My Mum used to be more like this (though perhaps not so bad) but she's now pretty old (as am I 😂) and honestly she has gone on growing up and becoming a better Mum steadily as the decades have passed!

Nor am I! 'Jumped' is also probably too strong a word. 'Twitched as though startled' maybe. I think probably because he generally was in sneaky mode at that point, rather than was specifically trying to hide anything? As I say I have never really fully understood it all either!

Some DMs have long memories.
Mine regularly moaned about something I'd said when I was 14 for >50 years , and how upset she was.
My faux pas ? I told her she stank & she should use a deodorant !
Tactless, but true.

Sort of like a distant relative/ old acquaintance he's moderately fond of but forgets exists for months at a time?
He's never mentioned the financial stuff to me. I don't even know if he knows how/ why Mum and the lawyers were able to see through the stuff he didn't disclose. I also strongly suspect he did still manage to hide some things.