AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

[Friendissue]

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

Disregarding the IVF thing, both of those are comments that I'd be upset and angry if I heard my DP make. Although I actually can't imagine him making them. The pulling-out one (vom) I won't say any more about as you don't know if he really said it, but the exercise one is extremely crude and adolescent. And not even funny or original.

I don't what world you live in where you don't think it's crass and inappropriate for someone to comment on someone's sex life over dinner – the mind boggles and your DP sounds sleazy. If he made that comment in a group, I can only imagine what he said to your friend's DH at the bar.

Why are you defending your DP commenting on your friend's sex life? Regardless of their infertility struggles?

Gross.

That second comment is a bit grim, but it was up to your friend's DH to call your DP out for being crude. If he didn't say anything, I suspect they were sharing a 'lad's moment' at the bar, and your friend's DH was being as offensive by laughing or not indicating that this was not acceptable, or even saying something himself.

I think your friend might be doing you a favour OP. They sound awfully dull.

@Franticbutterfly they sound a lot nicer than OP’s partner

@sittingonabeach Well, that is the good thing about friends...we get to choose them. I personally prefer people who are relaxed and don't offend easily, those kinds of people are usually more fun imho.

This.

Yeah, both comments are grim

I think she's being oversensitive but if she's a good friend. All you can do is say sorry you didn't realise at the time she was offended as you didn't see it as a big deal and you can't comment on the other thing DP supposedly said as you have zero knowledge about it.

DP has confirmed he made the second comment.

Context - my friends DH was venting (at length) about lack of sex and saying how fed up he was. His reply to DP’s comment was that he’d do well to last 20 seconds. So he certainly didn’t seem unhappy with the comment.

DP thinks that it was only relayed to my friend in an argument as they have seemingly been at loggerheads for a while.

Oh dear....bet her other half omitted telling her the bit about him moaning

What a horrible comment. Not your fault but it has cost you a friendship. Tell your husband he was insensitive and apologise to your friend then leave it

Yuck, your DP sounds like a very crude man, and tbh, you sound very naive.

I don't think your friend should take it out on you, though.

I’m in an obvious minority on this thread as I would have laughed at that if I was TTC 😂. It was clearly supposed to be light hearted and amongst friends I don’t personally see it as a big deal, but clearly everyone is different. Your DP should do the decent thing and apologise for offending her, but she’s being unreasonable for holding you responsible, OP.

You made no mention of this particular comment, neither did my reply.

No, again, they literally just had a conversation about the friends’ unsuccessful round of IVF. That was the not appropriate time or evening to be making jokes about having lots of sex.

The whole thread is about the DH’s inappropriate comment at a time when the couple are undergoing IVF, it’s in the OP. I shouldn’t have to remind you about it. It’s what the thread is about!

And again, I made no mention of the joke being appropriate. This appears to be something you have invented.

You responded to me and said ‘Are we not allowed to enjoy a joke about sex, or react positively to a sexual comment?’, which sounds like you think the joke was appropriate. You are entitled to your opinion, you’re the one who posted to me, not vice versa.

Really not sure why you’re flogging this dead horse.

@Friendissue I would be trying to support your friend, they are obviously going through a very stressful time. Her DH doesn’t sound that supportive. Instead of sex banter maybe he should be telling the DH to be more supportive

It's thoughtless. Going through infertility and IVF is incredibly draining honestly, and for a lot of people they resent that they had to lose the enjoyment of their sex life, it becomes perfunctory, and once IVF starts it can be a real source of pain that their experience of potentially conceiving a child is so medical and expensive instead of borne of making love at home.

But at the same time, your DH was just making a silly joke. Not everyone can be expected to know the ins and outs of the emotional consequences of going through infertility. She shouldn't have dragged you into it. If she couldn't let it go she could have messaged your DH and just said in a calm way, just a heads up, that kind of comment can be quite hurtful for these reasons, I know you didn't mean any harm by it but wanted to let you know in case you meet others going through infertility. It's fine to make your point. Dragging you into it is childish, as is expecting she can use you like a puppet by demanding you ought to have reacted differently and now need to address your husband. He isn't your responsibility!

You woukd be getting your ducks in a row? To leave? Yeah, to spend your life alone if no one is allowed to speak, except in total boring pc language.
What a bore of a wife and bore of a life

I think it depends slightly on the circles you move in. I can’t imagine even one of the men in my social circle saying something like that in front of the woman concerned. And I don’t think I’d fancy a man who would say such a thing - so I wouldn’t have married him. But it obviously seems fine to you. Maybe your bar is a bit low, or maybe you need to observe the unwritten rule that a woman going through such a difficult time should be handled sensitively, and that if she found your DH’s comment gross, then he should just say sorry, even if he thinks she’s being overly sensitive.

I don't like male friends who talk about the wives when out of earshot.

My husband and I once went to a bar with a woman I worked with and her husband. The men went off to the bar to order drinks, the place was filled with lots of fit young women. The husband suggested to my husband that they could revisit the bar in the future, without the wives...wink wink.

My husband told me when we got home, needless to say, that was the one and only time we ever went out with them.

Why are so many people gunning for the OP's partner and not the friends partner, who evidently is more concerned with the lack of sex life than failing IVF treatment?

I think the friend is projecting, hard - and wants to vent her frustration at anyone else.
Just my opinion though.

It was a light-hearted and mildly amusing joke.

I'd get rid of the friend as she sounds an insufferable bore.

It's a mildly crass joke. The kind of lightly suggestive "banter" you'd get in a middle of the road sitcom like Friends. Obviously your friend is going through a tough time and is feeling sensitive but, yeah, its objectively a massive overreaction on her part. Think she's just (subconsciously) looking for someone to take it out on.

So you never speak to anyone else about your DH?

I am in two minds about this. My husband and I don't have children and had unsuccessful fertility treatment. A friend of mine (who knew about our treatment) got back with an ex partner and was pregnant within a couple of months. She made a comment to me about how "compatible" they must be to get pregnant so quickly. I was hurt by this as I felt the implication was that I wasn't compatible with my husband as we couldn't get pregnant. But I recognised there was no malice in the comment and left it. Definitely not worth ruining a friendship over.