AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

[Friendissue]

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

Yes, HE should aologise, not OP as many on here seem to be saying. He was insensitive and crass and should take responsibility for what he said.

'it's a well-known thing when people are ttc'. ??

Surely not! Unless you know a lot of ill-mannered people. It's pathetic and rude.

Really? fgs 😂

OP, I wonder if it would be more clear if she'd told you what he'd said to her DH in the bar?

They didn’t say the comment was offensive. They said only her friend can determine if it caused her offence. And that’s correct as those are her feelings.

It sounds like a throwaway comment that the friend's husband laughed at. Maybe the friend is actually annoyed at her husband and wishes he'd said something at the time, but since he didn't seem to mind the comment she's taking it out on you instead.
You could ask her if her husband is equally upset or if it's just her.

Yea potentially, I have gone back to her again to ask and said that DP doesn’t recall anything.

I would be mortified if any of DH’s friends alluded to us having sex in front of me. It’s private and nobody else’s business.

This. Perhaps her husband and yours should be talking this through since it was their conversation in the first place?

How long have you been friends?

Obviously I do. But then we're not all snowflakes and offended by the slightest thing.

People get very sensitive when struggling to conceive. Whether reasonably or not, she's clearly upset, so if you value her friendship then talk to her.

This

Plus unless there is a drip feed coming then lm assuming neither you or your partner have experienced failed IVF or fertility issues. He comes across as tactless and immature

Are you sure you want to continue with a friendship that brings this level of drama into your life?

Also - what is with the comments about “speaking to” your husband? He isn’t a child. He made a comment that didn’t land well - big fucking deal.

It happens to the best of us.

I absolutely would not stand for my husband “speaking to” me, policing me in this way or getting upset with me for something that was nothing more than a stupid comment. I don’t why anyone thinks this is an okay thing to do to a spouse.

Crude and inappropriate to comment on the amount of sex they're having, especially if their aim is to have a baby and it isn't working. Surely it isn't hard to understand why she didn't like it?

Calling women snowflakes for not wanting to be the subject of men’s sexual banter is not sexist at all, right?

I meant more that OP cannot determine the impact to the person who was offended. They can say they wouldnt have taken offense, but not that YOU shouldn't have been offended - if that makes sense.

I'm not saying everyone needs to pander, just that the person taking offense determines their offense (and should manage their triggers...)

Hopefully she will tell you

Oh ffs don't be ridiculous.

It was not an appropriate comment to make in thst situation. But it’s not your fault; your partner needs to apologise and make amends. Dont apologise for him but you could say to your friend you agree it was inappropriate

🤣🤣🤣

He was crass and insensitive with his comment but of course your friend is extra sensitive atm - which is 100% understandable. Who knows what else ou DH said at the bar?!

Apologise. Give her some space. She hasn't exactly over reacted - like pps have said - that was her reaction so you need to accept that.

Find out from your DH what else he said to her DH. If he says he can't remember he is probably lying - he just won't want to tell you!

Aye, sure. Whatever

I wouldn’t be impressed with this and I guess she’s particularly sensitive right now. I would have cringed and spoken to my husband about it then and there or perhaps afterwards. If she’s not going to tell you about the other comment there’s not much you can do about that so it’s up to her but the important thing is trying to salvage your friendship, if that’s what you want to do. I would tell her how sorry you are that her feelings are hurt and that you just didn’t pick up on it at the time. I would not try to convince her she’s overreacting or that the comment meant nothing because it clearly does to her. As for not controlling things that come out of people’s mouths, that’s hardly the point. She knows that but she’s feeling unsupported by you, so that’s the bit I’d address if I were you. Then as PP has said, give her space.

Well... It's a sensitive subject isn't it?
It's not like they are just announcing they are going to start trying for a baby.
The lots of sex reference missed the mark for lots of reasons but surely the more obvious one of that they don't need to have sex with IVF.
This could be a really sensitive subject for them in its own right let alone in front of friends. iVF puts couples through hell. Cut her a little slack

When your boss had a baby, did you tell them that they and their partner must have had lots of sex to get pregnant?

If anything id be angry with her for being so petty If she is really willing to ruin a friendship over something so small it says a lot about what she thinks about the friendship and you