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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

226 replies

Friendissue · 13/04/2026 14:17

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

OP posts:
Kimura · 13/04/2026 16:35

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/04/2026 15:37

Unlike other posters I see it more as a comment aimed at the man rather than your friend OP, that he'll be so horny that he wouldn't be able to pull out of her, so I don't think he's actively objectifying her.

It's still a really fucking grim thing to say though. I'd be taking a really dim view if he didn't apologise profusely.

Unlike other posters I see it more as a comment aimed at the man rather than your friend OP

Agreed.

It's still a really fucking grim thing to say though. I'd be taking a really dim view if he didn't apologise profusely.

Typical shit caveman 'bantz'. But I'm not 100% on the apology (for the second comment).

I'd be on the same page if OPs partner had made the comment to or in earshot of the wife, but from what I understand it was made privately to the husband.

If he was offended by it he should have had some backbone and said something at the time, not relayed it to his wife who is clearly a little sensitive about the subject.

PeoniesinMay · 13/04/2026 16:39

Seaweed42 · 13/04/2026 15:08

I'm sure she was absolutely devasted over the failure of the IVF.
I'd be cutting her some slack based on the circumstances.

Your DH made a very insensitive comment.
If 'plenty of exercise' was going to work, they might not have needed the IVF.
I'd ask your DH to text an apology.

It's a bit like if someone told you their elderly mother has a terminal illness and they are going over every day to help out and someone's DH piped up with 'sounds like you won't be needing the gym then as you'll be running back and forth to your mother's! (har har har aren't I hilarious)

Your DH totally missed the point and he missed the fact that a failed IVF is totally devasting.

The fact she's taking it out on you is unfair though.

I'd be replying back something like this 'I know you were absolutely gutted over the IVF and I was so sorry to hear that I had no idea. I don't think DH has any notion of what that might feel like, I'm sorry he made the hurtful remark and I've asked him to apologise. I would never had made such a remark. Hopefully our friendship can weather this storm.'

That analogy sums it up so well for me and captures what I was trying to say about the stupid jokes/comments that commonly get made about infertility, but far less about other serious life events.

Createausername1970 · 13/04/2026 16:39

DH made an ill-judged comment Infront of your friend, but your friend showed no sign of being irritated or annoyed by it at the time.

The comment he made afterwards, just to the partner, was a bit crass. But it was made to the partner, not directly to your friend and was part of a conversation during which partner was discussing his and friends sex life, or lack of it.

I think friend is possibly extra sensitive because of the recent IVF disappointment, annoyed at her partner for talking about their sex life and annoyed at your DH for his comments. She has to direct it at someone.

I think I would respond to friend to say I can understand her point of view, but DH did not mean to cause any ill-feeling, they were just ill-judged comments. If friend still needed to make space between the her and me then I would respect her decision.

And I would back away and leave her to it.

But I would be leaving my ducks right where they were.

Littlepurpleinsect · 13/04/2026 16:47

Your H was a real dick. Infertility is really painful. However, it was her H’s place to call him out. Not yours.

CinnamonBuns67 · 13/04/2026 16:48

Regardless of your DH's intention (to be funny) it didn't land well with her and I think he ought to apologise that she was offended and say that now he understands that humour is not for her that he will not do it again.

However if my friend said she wasn't speaking to me for "a while" for something that I didn't say then she'd be changing that to "permanently" you cannot be expected to control your husband or call your husband out publicly especially when you had no idea offence had been taken and he wasn't being mean spirited.

Tessasanderson · 13/04/2026 16:51

For me the real test of whether you are being unreasonable boils down to how YOU reacted when he said it. Did you correct your DH and ask him to apologise at the time? Did you let it go but at a discreet point in time ask your husband to either apologise or at the very least reel in his childish comments? Did you leave your husband to it, but in private mention to your friend how appalled you were at your husbands vulgar comment?

If the answer to all of these are no then you are being unreasonable to your DH now. If you let the comment pass then you basically condoned it. The issue is therefore do you think your friend is over reacting. Whilst i think your DH comment wasnt well placed i really couldnt care about a comment like that and i think i wouldnt have said anything either. Which would leave me to explain to my friend that unfortunately we sometimes say things we dont intend to hurt but in the future we will make sure we think a bit more carefully before trying to make light of the topic.

lazyarse123 · 13/04/2026 16:55

nomas · 13/04/2026 15:02

So you didn’t.

Show quote history

Well no. Because he was my boss and not my friend that I joke around with.

xOlive · 13/04/2026 16:55

Your friend is being overly sensitive.
Your partner sounds like he has no idea how IVF works, it certainly isn’t by getting loads of exercise in at home.
Your friend is probably hurting a lot at the failed IVF, her husband is trying to not piss anyone off at the dinner table, your partner should just be quiet and eat his peas and you’re caught in the middle.

I’d send your friend a message just apologising she’s been hurt, you can’t imagine what she’s going through (if you can’t) and no offence was meant by the comments but your partner will make the effort to understand and not make vulgar comments in future.

seazon · 13/04/2026 16:58

What did he say at the bar that was disgusting?

fabstraction · 13/04/2026 17:07

Both comments are gross, but the worse of the two is what your husband said to her partner, so I'd wonder why he passed that along to her. I wouldn't appreciate the references to sex when I was discussing TTC and infertility, but apparently her husband was happy enough to disclose to your partner that they weren't having sex for a while, so...

Your partner needs to learn to keep his raunchy jokes to himself, but your friend (and her partner) are being a bit odd, too.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/04/2026 17:07

lazyarse123 · 13/04/2026 14:50

Obviously I do. But then we're not all snowflakes and offended by the slightest thing.

Show quote history

Oh the 'snowflake' argument 🙄

You are entitled to your opinion but it's not really about being insulted - it's just boorish and crass to make 'jokes' about people's active sex lives or otherwise, in any context really, but particularly in the context of ttc, and even more so, when people are aware of fertility challenges.

StormGazing · 13/04/2026 17:08

Friendissue · 13/04/2026 15:29

My friend has come back to me and said that her DH told my DP that they’d not been having sex during the treatment. DP allegedly replied that he bets her DH would need to be pulled out of her when they next do.

I don’t really ‘get’ what that means, she sent it via message so maybe the context is lost?

😵
vile creature … I’d be fucked off top of someone thought it funny to make vile comments about my very delicate issues with TTC …. He owes her a heart felt apology and flowers at least

fivepastmidnight · 13/04/2026 17:09

OK the second statement was grim And uncalled for. However I do think your friend's husband has played a significant role in this .Was he just recalling oh we've not had sex Or was he complaining it's been a nightmare with no sex? and your husband joined in with his stupid ridiculous comment. what if anything did he say to your partner about what he said Or did you just snitch up to his wife? Why did he repeat the grim comment to your friend ?He must know it's going to her off. Your husband's been a crass but why is she falling out with you because of it?

nobody said anything at the time And now instead of phoning, she's sending text after the event with you Who as far as can see is it the only one who's not said anything offensive and not taken offence.

Firesidechatter · 13/04/2026 17:12

Omg no wonder she’s upset, I’d be furious if my husband came out with that sort of filth and I’m no prude. wtf is wrong with him

Tunnocks34 · 13/04/2026 17:12

I think it’s a vile, pathetic comment for a grown man to make to another man tbh and I’d be mortified if my husband said this to anyone. It’s similar to something a 15 year old boy would say trying to impress peers. Yuck.

That being said - it’s not your fault your husband said it so it seems unfair to not speak you specifically. I would find it odd as a friend you didn’t think it was a bit of a gross comment to make (the one at the table) but I probably wouldn’t hold it against you. I am not surprised she upset by the second comment which is even worse.

My good friends husband makes very similar jokes like this. I don’t hold it against my friend at all really but we also don’t go out with her and her husband because, well he makes us uncomfortable and cringe.

Really though are you happy with your DH speaking about other woman/peoples sex lives like this. I would be disgusted honestly in my own husband.

Firesidechatter · 13/04/2026 17:13

I think people haven’t read tns second comment.

ItActuallyDoesButOk · 13/04/2026 17:16

Friendissue · 13/04/2026 15:37

I will speak to DP after work, I’m obviously missing something because I can’t understand the alleged comment. It doesn’t seem to make sense

It’s the same type of humour in if my ex friends husbands. I had a feeling based on the childish “lots of sex joke he made in front of everyone the stuff he says to his mate would be worse.

He’s saying that your friends husband will be so horny from lack of sex that when they do have sex again, he will pulling out of her, as in he will have waited so long he won’t be able to stop and will need surgically removing.

blubberyboo · 13/04/2026 17:17

Friendissue · 13/04/2026 15:40

Ok thanks. That makes more sense now you’ve explained it. I will speak to him.

Show quote history

Its still not your place to apologise for him.

She shouldnt be punishing you no matter how sensitive she feels about IVF. Send her a message giving DPs number so that she can text him and tell him she doesnt want to talk to him for a while.

Its up to you how you feel about your DP after he gives his version of the story. We still dont know he actually said it.

MyMilchick · 13/04/2026 17:18

seazon · 13/04/2026 16:58

What did he say at the bar that was disgusting?

"My friend has come back to me and said that her DH told my DP that they’d not been having sex during the treatment. DP allegedly replied that he bets her DH would need to be pulled out of her when they next do.
I don’t really ‘get’ what that means, she sent it via message so maybe the context is lost?"

blubberyboo · 13/04/2026 17:20

fivepastmidnight · 13/04/2026 17:09

OK the second statement was grim And uncalled for. However I do think your friend's husband has played a significant role in this .Was he just recalling oh we've not had sex Or was he complaining it's been a nightmare with no sex? and your husband joined in with his stupid ridiculous comment. what if anything did he say to your partner about what he said Or did you just snitch up to his wife? Why did he repeat the grim comment to your friend ?He must know it's going to her off. Your husband's been a crass but why is she falling out with you because of it?

nobody said anything at the time And now instead of phoning, she's sending text after the event with you Who as far as can see is it the only one who's not said anything offensive and not taken offence.

Sounds as though he was sounding out another male view and then used it against his wife to make her feel bad for not giving him sex

The wife now falls out with everyone but her DH

We dont even know if her DH said it himself or laughed along. He probably did.

ItActuallyDoesButOk · 13/04/2026 17:20

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/04/2026 15:37

Unlike other posters I see it more as a comment aimed at the man rather than your friend OP, that he'll be so horny that he wouldn't be able to pull out of her, so I don't think he's actively objectifying her.

It's still a really fucking grim thing to say though. I'd be taking a really dim view if he didn't apologise profusely.

It also shows he has the emotional depth of an evaporated tear drop. If that’s where his mind goes to when his friends open up about struggles.

Eggs2022 · 13/04/2026 17:24

I think people forget that talking about TTC and failed rounds of IVF over dinner with people who you aren’t very close to can make them very uncomfortable- I know if one of my friends was talking about it not having worked my husband would be very sympathetic in private but would be awkward in how to react in person, it’s a hard thing to respond to at the best of times… if her husband said that they’ll try again trying to lighten the mood from misery then maybe he tried to play along too, I don’t think he’s the villain here- talking about such sensitive topics over dinner is never going to end well really unless it’s very close family or friends

Arlanymor · 13/04/2026 17:25

Just so I have the measure of this, as I usually avoid IVF threads for my own good reasons. Your DH made a vulgar comment to her husband at the bar and at another point made an other vulgar comment to the pair at the table? Just so I understand. Is that correct?

Kimura · 13/04/2026 17:36

nomas · 13/04/2026 16:12

Surely that depends on the comment/context?
Are we not allowed to enjoy a joke about sex, or react positively to a sexual comment?

Of course men and women can enjoy jokes/comments about sex, which is why I didn’t say ‘why do men think talking about sex goes down well’.

I said this was a sexual remark because it was unexpected, it came out of the blue during a conversation about the friends’ unsuccessful round of IVF. That was the not appropriate time or evening to be making jokes about having lots of sex.

But they'd literally just had a conversation about them trying for a baby, which I'm almost certain usually involves said people regularly doing the no-pants-dance

No, again, they literally just had a conversation about the friends’ unsuccessful round of IVF. That was the not appropriate time or evening to be making jokes about having lots of sex.

Is no pants dance supposed to be funny? Sounds like something 14 year olds would say.

Show quote history

Of course men and women can enjoy jokes/comments about sex, which is why I didn’t say ‘why do men think talking about sex goes down well’.

You said, and I responded to...

I don’t know why men think making sexual remarks, however lightly insinuated, will go down well with women.

You made no mention of this particular comment, neither did my reply.

No, again, they literally just had a conversation about the friends’ unsuccessful round of IVF. That was the not appropriate time or evening to be making jokes about having lots of sex.

And again, I made no mention of the joke being appropriate. This appears to be something you have invented.

You said - and I responded to - that his comment makes it sound like...

he thinks of your friend and her DH having sex and it’s on his brain.

...which is ridiculous leap.

Is no pants dance supposed to be funny?

No, it's just a euphemism.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 13/04/2026 17:39

Your partner is stupid and crass, and has absolutely no emotional sensitivity. That might not be your fault but you are in a relationship with him. Add in the fact you think your friend is being extreme and you think what your partner said wasn’t that inappropriate…why don’t you just leave them alone so they can go make some nice friends.