AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

[Friendissue]

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

It was a Gregg Wallace kind of comment. I also find it crude. But a recent thread on MN showed me that many woman here love this base level of humour so 🤷🏼‍♀️

I didn’t do IVF but just checked and there are stages during the process where you are asked to abstain from sex …so your friend and husband were sharing something vulnerable that your DP decided to be really crude about…at a time when they are going through something difficult

Ok thanks. That makes more sense now you’ve explained it. I will speak to him.

i suspect she’s very raw and disappointed with this IVF outcome, it’s bloody awful when you fail to conceive and all the pain, plus the hormones and general poking around leading to nothing must be awful, so she’s probably being sensitive and disappointed
id be interested to hear what your DP said at the bar …. I think anything about IVF /failure to conceive would be very hurtful

You've given us the same context as you have and we've all understood it.

Completely inappropriate, disrespectful and disgusting comment, also passive aggressively insinuating that the lack of sex due to the treatment was hard on the DH.

Your dp has immature and misogynistic views on sex and women.

I'd have the ick over this.

He sounds a bit simple re the 1st comment, surely its generally common sense that couples ARE NOT having sex to make a baby if you are doing IVF. RE 2nd comment, the friends partner was stupid to tell her what your DH said, he must have known it would cause problems.

Is this friendship based on your and the other women being friends and the husbands just got to know each other through your friendship?

You were saying you knew OPs friends motives..that is projection not fact

I’d be less than impressed if a friends DP made these remarks under the circumstances. But I wouldnt take it out on my friend. I would use my big girl voice to tell him exactly what i thought, instead of creeping round the back door with my anger and shaming my friend for someone elses bad behaviour.

OP, do you get the impression she doesnt like your DP? She has good reason not to and this may be her clumsy way of dropping this friendship to avoid your DP. You are collateral damage?

That’s really yucky

It’s definitely objectifying as the friend has no agency in the DH deciding to remove his penis…she is regarded as an object that can be done too and doesn’t decide (in your interpretation of DPs comments)

🤢🤢

To be fair, my DH would never repeat something like this to me.

I didn’t say that at all. You seem to be reading a thread in your own mind.

The friend is punishing OP with silence for two comments OP’s DH made, one of which was not even made in OP’s hearing.

Based on that, I said that the friend ‘prefers to make OP feel shit about it instead of confronting her DH and OP’s DH.’

That’s not projection, that’s an interpretation of the events as they are relayed to us.

You DH comment was cringey at best but to a couple TTC absolutely insensitive and inappropriate. I would be mortified if my DH said that .
Although i don't think its your responsibility to police your DHs speech.
I imagine the Bar comment was worse and thats why your friend has reacted so strongly. Your DH knows what he said in the bar and that may be key to understanding your friends reaction.
Is he normally crass and insensitive,does he make sexual jokes generally?

But would he laugh along as the friend’s DH did?

I saw that comment and I actually laughed out loud , it was brilliant 🦆🦆😂😂

FWIW I don't think OP needs any ducks and definitely not in a row. Making a suggestive 'nudge nudge wink wink' comment in relation to someone TTC is as old as the hills and while possibly a bit clumsy, I suspect he was trying to lighten the mood while talking about a difficult subject.

We don’t know how the friend’s DH reacted, as the OP stated that it was the first comment he laughed at.

But he did laugh at one comment. And yet OP is the one being punished.

I wouldn't have been offended by it, id probs just think he's a bit of an idiot / he was trying a bit too hard to make her DH laugh? Why don't you post it on the infertility board and see how people there would have reacted... And I'd you'd feel uncomfortable doing that then that's probably your answer.

Did she say how it failed.. They could have got no embryos or it could have been a successful transfer which then resulted in a miscarriage? Do you think he'd have joked about having lots of sex after losing a baby?

It also shows he doesn't understand how IVF works, or probably, how hard it is on people. If lots of sex is the answer they wouldn't be doing IVF. Sex during and after ivf rounds becomes I dunno.. Complicated. At certain points you can't have unprotected sex and when you can you're doing it at the 'right' scheduled times so it's not always that you want to be doing it or in the mood. And after years of scheduled sex tbh it can really mess you up.

Add all the hormones on top and feeling like her bodies failed her.. Then she's probs just a little sensitive and doesn't want her / her husbands medical condition which takes lots of time, money and a massive physical toll on her to be made into a joke?

Considering their troubles it was a shitty comment. And I'd have taken my partner to talk on it.

That was really insensitive.

Why isn't she or her DH talking to the person who made the comments directly?

I get the comments could cause offense - they were probably a poor attempt at humour - but asking the OP to police her DP comments is very off.

I get OP friend is upset about IVF failing but that doesn't mean she can then go on to shit shir in someone else's relationship. OP friends and her DH are adults they can talk directly to the person who made the comments at time or after and not make it OP problem or have a go at her for not stopping it.

I suspect the friend is miserable and lashing out at the world - but the OP not her punching bag - and I'd find a polite way of saying that.

Least said soonest mended is the road I would go down. Just text your friend and say sorry you felt offended at DHs joke and leave it at that.

The ball is in her court now if she wishes to continue the friendship

I’ve had ivf and had 2 failed attempts pre dd. That comment really took my breath away. It’s a terribly taxing and emotionally challenging ordeal. I’m not surprised your friend is extremely upset.

I don't think your partner meant to offend. Your friend's husband was being upbeat, and I think your partner was trying to be the same, with the jokey comment. Yes, in hindsight it was probably a little insensitive.

Your friend is clearly very sensitive, feeling a little vulnerable and the comment upset her. She's not unreasonable to feel the way that she does. I suspect if the situation was different, she probably would have laughed off the comment and thought no more about it.

The other comment your partner supposedly said, that your friend refuses to tell you, and your partner has no recollection. You can't comment because you have no idea what your partner said to your friend's husband. Perhaps it was disgusting but equally it might not be... it's down to personal perception. I would say though, it does seem rather convenient that your partner has no memory of this conversation with your friend's husband!! I'm not sure I believe him to be honest.

You aren't responsible for the words that leave your partner's mouth and it's wrong that your friend is punishing you, for something that wasn't your fault. I would say to her that given the circumstances, you can understand why the comment upset her regarding the 'exercise' but you aren't responsible for your partner. I would say that as you don't know what the other comment is, you can't give an opinion. I'd ask your partner to apologise and then give her some space..

Friend is being really over sensitive, just sounds like a normal jokey comment to me. If someone had said it to me I would have laughed. I don’t think you or your husband have done anything wrong here. I expect your friend is just not in a good place mentally and is fixating on this comment for some reason. I’m sure it will all blow over.