AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

[Friendissue]

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

So let's recap the ways your husband has been crass, insensitive and, frankly, a bit clueless:

Anyone who knows anything about ivf knows its a complex, emotional and physically draining process thats not fun for anyone. He implied its just lots of sex. Showing ignorance and insensitivity.

Again,, anyone with even a basic understanding knows there's little sex at all. Its all done in test tubes. See above re physically and emotionally draining. Your dhbis clueless and insensitive.

He then makes a cride comment to your friends husband suggesting that hes just going to be totally desperate for sex. Underplaying how he might be feeling and simplifying this whole thing to a man's "blue balls" - crass, gross and insensitive.

If.you reay dont get the comment I would imagine a lot of the comments.your dh makes go over your head. You should ask your friend if she has previously been uncomfortable with comments made by your dh. I bey she has , and I bet some were about you.

I don’t know why men think making sexual remarks, however lightly insinuated, will go down well with women.

Surely that depends on the comment/context?

Are we not allowed to enjoy a joke about sex, or react positively to a sexual comment?

It just sounds like he thinks of your friend and her DH having sex and it’s on his brain

It was a cringe 'joke' and he should have read the room and kept it to himself.

But they'd literally just had a conversation about them trying for a baby, which I'm almost certain usually involves said people regularly doing the no-pants-dance. I can't see how anyone would conclude that OPs partner must have their friends having sex on the brain from that.

Your husband said something to her husband and now she's not talking to you? I frankly find that ridiculous. I understand she might be sensitive about the comment that he made although I hardly think it was hugely insulting gross or disgusting. It was probably a bit I'll timed and I guess it depends on how well you know them but it's not like he said you'll get plenty of exercise shagging everywhere and every room. Her husband should know sort of things she's sensitive about so why did he go repeating what your husband said in the bar ?Did he knowingly want to upset her or want her to tell you? How come neither said anything at the time? All this I want distance for a while after the event - let them crack on.
how can you judge if you agree it was a disgusting comment if she won't repeat what it was?

I think it's the conflation of the pain of infertility with a sleezy and invasive joke that has caused her outrage and hurt. On its own, I would not think the joke was enough to be seriously offended about although I wouldn't like the person who said it. But in the context of loss after loss, I can see how it would feel completely tasteless and all the more intrusive. She's unreasonable to think you should have picked up on it but I can see where she's coming from.

Lol.

It's so cringe. I couldn't live with someone who thought like that.

It means that her DP will be so desperately horny by the time they have sex that he will have to be dragged off her (pulled out of her). Its a vile thing to say and your DH sounds disgusting

It is offensive. It has offended someone

Surely that depends on the comment/context?
Are we not allowed to enjoy a joke about sex, or react positively to a sexual comment?

Of course men and women can enjoy jokes/comments about sex, which is why I didn’t say ‘why do men think talking about sex goes down well’.

I said this was a sexual remark because it was unexpected, it came out of the blue during a conversation about the friends’ unsuccessful round of IVF. That was the not appropriate time or evening to be making jokes about having lots of sex.

But they'd literally just had a conversation about them trying for a baby, which I'm almost certain usually involves said people regularly doing the no-pants-dance

No, again, they literally just had a conversation about the friends’ unsuccessful round of IVF. That was the not appropriate time or evening to be making jokes about having lots of sex.

Is no pants dance supposed to be funny? Sounds like something 14 year olds would say.

Agree.

OP should be more pissed at her DH than her friend, for sure.

Christ, that is so much worse!

Your DH sounds like more than a bit of a twat, OP.

No context loss, just shttty 'boys talk' from a man old enough to know better.

It was awful of her DH to repeat your DP’s bar comment - he didn’t need to do that.

Unless he was trying to use the comment as a hint that he is feeling the lack of sex in which case she probably knows that and is feeling very sensitive.

Your DP doesn’t sound great in these incidents though - it’s pretty grim openly joking about your partner’s friend’s sex life anyway but even more so after a vulnerable moment they’d shared about IVF failure.

I'm not sure why this is falling to you OP other than you are her friend and the one she feels she can take it out on. Is she also giving her DH a bollocking? Because he laughed along and she didn't say anything. And with the bar comment, surely she should be upset with her husband discussing their (lack of) sex life rather than your DH making a stupid (I'll presume drunken) comment!

As an IVF mum I would have been hugely upset even by the comment mentioned in your original post, let alone by the one mentioned in your update, and it would definitely make me want to take a massive step back from engaging with you and your husband socially. For reference, I am no prude at all and definitely appreciate my share of gallows humour and ‘out there’ jokes! For me, though, condoning these comments from your husband would feel almost tantamount to saying you didn’t care about my fertility issues or didn’t consider them to be a serious issue.

Part of what makes infertility so horrendous is how many people totally fail to understand its impact and even trivialise it, like your husband did. It makes what is already such a painful, draining experience very lonely in a way that other, comparably life-changing adverse experiences aren’t, due to the fact that people will tend to show more compassion and sensitivity to friends/family that are going through these. Infertility brought me to the lowest lows of my life and made me feel suicidal at times (as someone who has never had serious mental health issues before TTC or since having DD)- and we were lucky enough to have our first cycle be successful. Your friend is in an even more difficult position, as she will probably now be losing hope of IVF working for them either. The toll that fertility issues take on your relationship and sex life is huge too- it has probably been a very long time since either of them has enjoyed sex, so your husband’s comments will have also served as a painful reminder of everything they have lost within their life before TTC as well as their present/future now being so far from what they hoped.

It wouldn’t be altogether fair of her to hold you responsible for things your husband has said, though, but if you value the friendship I would definitely try to reflect on how you would feel in her shoes, and be mindful of this when speaking to her, particularly if you already have DC/didn't experience fertility difficulties yourselves?

Your dh’s first comment was thoughtless and uneducated. I’ve had ivf and there’s very little (if any sex) happening around that time so if someone had made a comment like your dh made, I’d have made him look stupid by saying ‘you must be a bit dim if you don’t not know how ivf works’.

his second comment was crude, but it’s up to your friends dh to pull him up on it as he was actually there. And why did he even tell your friend if he knew it would upset her?

Sounds a pretty harmless comment to be honest. 🙄

Haven't read the full thread so someone may have already pointed out that if they are having IVF then presumably they can't (or haven't been able to) conceive by having sex. So yes, it was a stupid and upsetting remark. I can't imagine a woman having IVF will also be having lots of sex inbetween hormone injections and egg harvesting. Plus they may have a diagnosis that means conception is impossible without IVF.

Each to their own, but I would find it cringey.

There’s nothing better than wit, but there was nothing witty about it.

I would expect that type of ‘joke’ from someone with fairly low intelligence.

Tbh I don’t know why the two men were discussing sex over dinner anyway. It was crass of the friend’s DH to mention the lack of sex and this gave the OPs DP the green light to discuss it. He went too far and was also utterly gross.

The friend should be pissed off at her own DH and is, of course, well within her rights to not want to do a couples’ dinner again to avoid OP’s DP… but she is being unfair in not talking to OP.

On the whole, if I were OP, I’d have a moan at DP about what an arse he was to go there, even if the other chap opened the door, and let the relationship lie for now. Friend may get over her peak and realise her issue is with the men and that she is a little sensitive given the IVF/conception issues. If it doesn’t, it may simply be that this friendship has runs its course.

Your DP's comment was crass an inappropriate.

But it was HIS comment and HE is responsible for making.
Your friend's DH is responsible for laughing at the comment and finding it amusing.

If your friend was that upset, she should have raised the issue with your DP and/or your DH ... which she apparently did. Later. At home. With her DH.

Your DP owes your friend an apology. You do not.

Sounds like I'm in the minority but I'd give your friend and her partner a wide berth.

I'd say something like "I'm sorry his attempts at humour were inappropriate and upset you" and then leave it at that. I wouldn't apologise again.

I wouldn't choose to go out with them when they are tittle tattling between themselves to slag off your husband and examining what he says as a couple. I wouldn't want to go out with them again.

If the ladies husband was offended by what your husband said he should have told your husband to leave off not gone telling tales to his wife. Doing that it doesn't sound like they like your husband so no reason to spend time with them. My husband wouldn't tell me crude jokes made by his mates why would he.

It’s a bit crass. My DH would never day something like that.

I wouldn’t be with a cringey oaf like your DH and his comment has clearly upset your friend at a difficult time.

I would tell her how sorry you are that he said something so mortifying.

FFS ask your husband to apologise. How embarrassing. Your poor friend.

Your DP sounds rather immature with his 'gags' regarding thier sex life. Tell him to zip it.