AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

[Friendissue]

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

Maybe, but men do seem to like making creepy sexualised comments aimed at women, i think men need to start understanding that lots of women really hate this, men having been making creepy comments about us all our lives. I don't think its too much to ask that they start to think about this before they make unfunny sexualised comments. Childish locker room crap that i hate, and i doubt I'm alone in this.

This is what I was thinking. IVF doesn't involve sex! It is a tactless and silly comment, and certainly overstepping. But, not friendship ending territory (or LTB territory) I would think. Your friend is in a vulnerable place, and being understanding and acknowledging that your DH overstepped (which he did) and you will be having words with him, would hopefully help.

God it's really not that deep.

Behave yersel 🙄

So you didn’t.

YANBU (and neither is your husband)

She sounds like a drama queen to me and sounds like the type of person who loves a bit of sympathy.

OP knows that but that doesn’t make it any better. The problem can’t be solved with lots of sex so the comment is even more asinine.

I’d say you need to know what the disgusting comment at the bar was before making up your mind here.

I’d say his comment was crude and unfunny - also, does he actually realise how little shagging goes on with IVF?? If they’ve just had an unsuccessful round I can see why such a stupid comment has bothered her.

She’s probably heard the same cringe “joke” a million times already and it grates. I just got pregnant naturally for the first time after 15 years with DP, 8 years of TTC/IVF to conceive our first.

The number of people who make comments like this”tell him to stop putting it in your ear!” 🙄 Or the other corker - “have you tried yoga/meditation/just thinking about it less?” And now that it’s happened naturally, “great, you finally worked out how to have sex properly”.

It makes you feel incredibly shitty, and feels really invasive.

I think you should tell your DH he was a dick and has hurt your friend and ask him to apologize. And also apologize on his behalf because he probably won’t.

I can understand why your friend didn't like your husband's crude and insensitive comment but that isn't your fault so I think the message she sent to you was unfair

To me, her reaction sounds completely over the top, as if she was discussing conception and 'trying' etc obviously sex is part of that and the notion was already very much out there, especially in a chat among close friends. But ultimately, if she was upset by it, you can't stop her from being upset. Obviously there are other posters on this thread who would feel the same way she did, so there's no universal truth on the matter.

I don't tend to be friends with the sort of people who react in hyper-sensitive ways, because I dislike having to walk on eggshells and my friends and I are all the sorts of people who use humour as a coping mechanism. But I appreciate that one person's joke is another person's horrific insult that sends them into some sort of spiral of misery.

I'm sure she was absolutely devasted over the failure of the IVF.
I'd be cutting her some slack based on the circumstances.

Your DH made a very insensitive comment.
If 'plenty of exercise' was going to work, they might not have needed the IVF.
I'd ask your DH to text an apology.

It's a bit like if someone told you their elderly mother has a terminal illness and they are going over every day to help out and someone's DH piped up with 'sounds like you won't be needing the gym then as you'll be running back and forth to your mother's! (har har har aren't I hilarious)

Your DH totally missed the point and he missed the fact that a failed IVF is totally devasting.

The fact she's taking it out on you is unfair though.

I'd be replying back something like this 'I know you were absolutely gutted over the IVF and I was so sorry to hear that I had no idea. I don't think DH has any notion of what that might feel like, I'm sorry he made the hurtful remark and I've asked him to apologise. I would never had made such a remark. Hopefully our friendship can weather this storm.'

That was a dickish comment your OP made in front of her though. He should apologise to her for being an insensitive twat.

On one hand, it's not for you, or anyone, to police their partner's behaviour.

But I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through infertility. Thoughtlessness about mc has upset me, and even before I experienced it myself, I would never have joked about it.

Is he always a gross pig?

She's cross with you because you didn't say anything at the time? But neither did she. Or her husband.

Yes it's a cringey comment.

But it's pathetic of grown-ass women to expect other people to jump to their defence and then in retrospect when it hasn't happened, be cross with people who just didn't notice at the time. Is she cross with her husband for laughing? If she'd called him out and said 'I find that offensive' and you hadn't backed her then maybe I'd see her point.

IVF makes some people utterly crazy by the way. Been the case with a few people I know. If she's a good friend just wait it out and she'll be nice again when it's over. If she's not a good friend I'd get rid, I can't stand people who try and blame their problems on me.

just a tacky comment to make. unless you are going through trouble in regards to TTC any comment can feel like an attack unfortunately. shes obviously feeling sensitive and sore at the moment.. she'll come round. let her have some time away from the friendship for a while and give her some space, let her know you are still here whenever she needs you x

I expect she’s really upset about the unknown comment at the bar. And this one isn’t too bad but both together have irritated her. But until she tells you what he said I don’t know what you can do about it.

Just call her, say sorry he didn’t mean any offence and ask what was said, don’t do it all via text.

Each to their own, but if I knew that my other half had hurt or offended my close friend who was going through a hard time, I’d message straight away. The thing is it’s not hard to see that some people would find his comment vulgar and insensitive to their plight.

Something like ‘I’m so sorry - as I’ve said to him ‘fools rush in where angels fear to tread’. I don’t think he meant to be insensitive or vulgar. Brain needs to engage before mouth. Let’s get together just you and me and do something nice soon.”

Ball is in her court to react reasonably.

Calm down

She has potentially overreacted to a poor joke, but given she is likely very emotional right now after the unsuccessful IVF she is potentially being more sensitive than usual for the circumstances. I would give her some space for a little bit and send some flowers or something focussed on her IVF experience. Letting her know you'll be there when she is ready to let you back in. May not work, it may just be a complete overreaction that she won't get over. But first thought is that she just isn't in a good place for jokes like that yet.

`your husband's 'comment was inappropriate and insensitive. It does seem a bit harsh that she's punishing you for it. But, in light of the other comment he made which, based on what you've said here I suspect he can't remmeber beause he has zero ability to see how these sorts of comments are crass and awful, the chances are that she's just not interested in being around someone like that and, by association, someone married to someone like that.

What's your friendship like generally? There are friends who I stay friends with even though I think their husbands are a bit crap and friends who I am franily not that close to and if their husbands were dicks I'd probably just quietly move on from.

My boss did say that to me when I told her I was pregnant. I didn't go to HR and didn't raise a grievance about it but thought she was a bit of an idiot.

I don't blame her for being upset. It was a really crass, really insensitive comment. And no one likes to think of your friend's man thinking of you that way. Yuck.

To her, it probably seemed as if her pain was being utilised for a cheap joke, and a sexual one at that. How boorish of your DH. I find many men make cheap jokes, and it's incredibly irritating.

It's not your fault though, and she should take it up with your DH, not you. Ideally she should have mildly expressed her discomfort at the time by, perhaps, raising an eyebrow and saying, with a disdainful expression, "Anyway, moving swiftly on..."