AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

[Friendissue]

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

Id be saying if she is cross with my partner, here's his number. Tell him. Im not his mum. She has an issue, she sorts it out with him.

There is a second comment that her friend doesn’t want to repeat

Awful. I would hate that.

My friend has come back to me and said that her DH told my DP that they’d not been having sex during the treatment. DP allegedly replied that he bets her DH would need to be pulled out of her when they next do.

I don’t really ‘get’ what that means, she sent it via message so maybe the context is lost?

She just prefers to make OP feel
shit about it instead of confronting her DH and OP’s DH.

Oh dear well your DH does sound both too invested and childish..I wouldn’t want to be around that either

That is pretty vile! I can see why your friend wants to distance herself!

Your dh sounds crude and gross.

That’s projection not fact unless you are the friend struggling with infertility?

Your partner is a pig.

@Friendissue your partner sounds vile. Is he usually this crude?

Okay that’s disgusting

Can you hear it reduces your friend to an object OP not a person worthy of respect?

That is kind of grim tbf, especially if her husband was telling yours that because of the earlier comment he made.

That second comment is vile.

And I was coming to comment that the first comment was totally inappropriate and that your friend was not unreasonable.

Over the top, much, and a stupid comment. . I agree your husbands comment was tackless.The other woman's husband did not cover himself in glory laughing either.

It was an insensitive comment made by your dp that would have been better suited to bar banter between men in my opinion, but you can’t control your friends reaction to it she’s obviously very sensitive and emotional about Ttc and can’t handle any ‘banter’ around the topic. Not sure why the friends dp then told her about another comment your dp made at the bar unless he found it insensitive or crude as well but didn’t say anything at the time. Either way I’d send her a sympathetic message back and give them space.

It’s not projection. OP is being scapegoated for men’s actions.

Yeah thats pretty horrible.

My take is that your "DP" is insinuating that because they aren't having sex during the IVF treatment; that when they resume having sex her DH will be so rampant and invested he will need to be pulled off her because he doesnt want to stop....

What a disgusting comment to make. If this was my DH (not that mine would make a comment like this) I’d be furious and letting him know how revolting he was.

I will speak to DP after work, I’m obviously missing something because I can’t understand the alleged comment. It doesn’t seem to make sense

Unlike other posters I see it more as a comment aimed at the man rather than your friend OP, that he'll be so horny that he wouldn't be able to pull out of her, so I don't think he's actively objectifying her.

It's still a really fucking grim thing to say though. I'd be taking a really dim view if he didn't apologise profusely.

It’s really insensitive and just doesn’t make sense. They’ve probably just spent 8 grand on an IVF cycle that hasn’t worked. Sex doesn’t work for them either, hence the IVF. Depending on the nature of their infertility they could have sex until they’re blue in the face - but it won’t get them the baby they’re craving for.

I appreciate your DH was trying to make light of it, but I can see why your friend is pissy, they now need to find another 8 grand for another cycle. But hey-ho, as long as the blokes are making shagging jokes, it’s all good.

This is precisely why I told no one about my IVF, I’m not having fucking morons making jokes about my husband’s swimmers and the like.

It's not your fault what your partner says, however your friend is going through an incredibly sensitive time and your partner sounds like an absolute pig who I wouldn't want to see again either.

YANB totally U but I can't blame her wanting to distance herself from him and by extention you.

I think if you want to salvage the friendship tell your friend you think that comment is fucking disgusting, you are really sorry about your partner and that you'll be having words. (I'd be tearing my partner a new one if he ever said anything like this, in fact it would give me the terminal ick)

YABU. It was a rude and insensitive comment. Chances are if they've started IVF they'll be following the procedure set out by their clinic, not "exercising" at home. He should apologise.