AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

Yanbu to be upset. Yabu to chuck throws away, just wash them!

I’m sorry this happened. Can I ask, why do you need to throw everything out? If the items you mention are urine stained can you not wash them?

blimey that's awful OP, how drunk was he to do that fgs ... I wouldn't have him back, no respect for you or your home and what you've been through 😡

Wash them. No need to throw them away!

It's unpleasant but also I struggle to think why you needed to throw away rugs and throws and how it happened that the toy box got ruined as well. And how did he get coffee up a ceiling. Something doesn't add up...

Could he be incontinent? If his house smells of urine, maybe he can’t help it.

He might have said it was the dog because he’s embarrassed?

If he’s normally a good Dad? It would be a shame for this to ruin your relationship with him over something that might not be his fault. Surely he wouldn’t have pissed himself on purpose?

What the hell was he doing that he managed to piss on so much of your things? 😨 But agree with others, you could have washed a lot of that stuff (or got him to wash them) and they'd be OK, it's just urine, the smell would go away easily enough after a good wash

Are you saying he urinated on ...the ceiling???

Definitely wash the throws. A couple of cycles if necessary. Can you borrow at upholstery cleaner to clean your suit?. Toyboy and toys need a good soaking in antibac fluid and they will be fine. Does your dad have bladder issues or alcohol issues that make him unable to control his bladder?

Another asking why haven’t you washed the throws and rugs?

take the covers off the sofa and wash them (if not leather). If he didn’t actual piss on the sofa but elsewhere then lay on it, it might just be the covers.

this is annoying, and new rule he doesn’t stay over, but you wash everything.

I think you need to calmly explain what got urine on and how? What is the “coffee” staining? How much did he drink?
Be calm. You can make it better again.

So he wet himself sleeping on your sofa but you thrown away your throws, your rug and all your children's toys?!?!

So, he has wet himself, which has gone into the sofa. He has also wee’d on the rug and in a toy box. He has thrown coffee/cola on your ceiling and walls. Is he a raving alcoholic, or has dementia (my grandmother used to wee on the floor and in things like sugar bowls when she had dementia)?

YANBU to be livid at your father if he could help this. YABU to make out all men are the same. No man I have ever lived with, DH, or my (adult) sons have ever done anything like this.

I think the problems here are the sofa and car seat. Once wee gets into foam it’s hard to get clean/get out. However things like throws, and rugs don’t need to be thrown out! They can be washed with special stuff that takes wee traces right out. I had someone living with me with disability where things were often wet. I made sure things like sofa’s, mattresses, car seats had waterproof covers, but everything else would just go in a special wash, and there was never hint of urine smell in the house (if washing was banked up, there would be smell confined to laundry, which was a seperate room that could be shut off).

How is the relationship with your dad in general ?

I would be telling him he immediately needs to replace said items and he’s never welcome again. Dirty pig!

You are not being unreasonable at all.
You have your home, you don't need to let another man in, ever, if you don't want to.
For me, that sounds brilliant!
These are annoying, but practical problems.
They will get sorted, because you have motivation, as above!
Edited to say he's not allowed in anymore and ought to pay for some of the items being deep cleaned, as per PP. 🍀

This is gross. I’d feel the need to throw them out too. In the same way some poster don’t like dogs licking plates even if they go in the dishwasher- I couldn’t use these items again happily.

He hasn’t ruined your new home.
He has dirtied some things that need washing, and he has behaved badly (assuming no medical issues beyond potential alcoholic incontinence). He needs to recompense you for the cost of laundry and for anything that you actually need to dispose of.
Please review the things that you want to throw away, as they may be redeemable (per PP above).
Also, please don’t let this traumatic & antisocial experience damage your fresh start in your own new home. That’s far more important than an accidental / lazy case of incontinence. You have done wonderfully well to make a break from your past, I hope you can continue to focus on building a great future.

Wash the throws/rug/box.
And that was his final visit.

We definitely need some more context on this - out of control alcoholic or elderly / incontinent?

That's grim 😕
As someone said 👆 possibly incontinence (in which case someone should make him aware of the smell, and how to manage things better). If he was just drunk and generally doesn't look after his own hygiene, then that's on him 🤢
Either way, not a nice way to start your new start! Hope you get sorted.

so he said he slipped on dog wee so i think hes dell with a drink in his hand and its splashed up
there was a large wet wee stain under all the edge of my rug and went onto the bottom of toy box.
then hes slept on the thrown in pissy clothes and made them stink
i have a brand new washing machine i dont want mans piss running through it and i was angry all my lovely new items were ruined thats why i binned them

I’d be bloody furious. In the absence of a health condition that affected his continence there’s just no excuse. It must be absolutely gutting to have got yourself into a good position and have someone literally piss on it. While it doesn’t make sense I know from an emotional point of view I’d want to bin stuff, though I’d most likely give it a good clean.

Thank you @CleanSkin & @InterestedDad37