AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

You can still be proud of yourself 💐

Its not you that pissed everywhere and it's not your fault.

My dad always thought he was helping by doing something for me, then would damage something else and expect me not to mind because he had done something for me!!!
Nah, keep well away from another 'abusive' man @Yousernane

This 100%. Also, it does sound v much like the behaviour of an alcoholic to me

I think she's getting a hard time because of the 'I hate all men' comment which has presumably triggered some incel forum somewhere.

Yes it’s a klaxon call to the inept men everywhere who are perennially online.

That's awful. He needs to replace your sofa. The throws you could've washed.

A new washing machine is meant to clean dirty things, including piss. That's literally it's entire purpose. And I DK why your child's toy box has been affected.

He spilt coffee or coke up your walls?! He sounds like an out of control drunken teenager trashing an air b&b? So I can see why you're upset.

Yeah I'd want financial compensation and he's never staying the night again.

Also he either needs the continence service or an alcohol service if he drinks so much booze he pisses other people's new couches.

And seemingly pisses himself and doesn't wash his clothes? Is he very frail and elderly?

YANBU to be annoyed that your dad got so drunk that he wet himself.

However, comments like this:

i have a brand new washing machine i dont want mans piss running through it

suggest that you have a serious anxiety/paranoia/OCD issue. Throwing things away because you're scared washing them will contaminate your washing machine isn't healthy. You're clearly in a fragile state right now and that's understandable, but blowing this up out of all proportion isn't helping you and you do need to try to pull yourself together.

I understand why you're angry with your dad - I would be too - but you need to calm down and stop spiralling into a panic.

I support her 💯

You, not at all. You don’t decide who we can support.

OP is out of a long abusive relationships. It’s totally normally for her to value her brand new stuff, including her washing machine.

Her father has effectively pissed all over her achievements.

She isn’t spiralling, she’s venting.

I'm very sorry. Was your father drunk? Does he have form for this type of behaviour.
But you don't need to throw everything away. Just clean them.

This is such a weird response to someone calling out bigotry

I can't imagine how you react to people calling out racism.

Again, very strange.

You don't even want to understand this situation do you? She's had a really tough time and has gone from having nothing to having something that's just for her and her children. Her life's been pissed on, quite literally, and you're accusing her of being childish. I think you're the one who needs to grow up.

It really won't harm the washing machine. Afterwards you can just run through an empty hot wash.
However, I understand your anger, and it comes from your situation and your battle for a home.
You'll need to talk to him so that he understands your anger. It sounds like a really unpleasant situation.

Keeping your new home as your own haven sounds like a really good idea.

Channel that anger into self-care and strong boundaries xx

You’re the one with the deleted comments, mate.

Ffs can people stop having a go at the OP for binning stuff, it's hardly the point. It probably feels like they've been violated and ruined. I wouldn't want to keep stuff that a disgusting man had pissed on either.

@Yousernane I'm sorry that you've had this happen. You'd hope that your parents would be there to support you, not piss in your house!

I can understand your frustration and I can understand to an extent throwing the things away - you shouldn't have to deal with a grown man's piss who couldn't even own up to what he'd done. Personally I would've washed the stuff but I would've been angry and disgusted while doing it, especially if I already had a difficult relationship with him

I am sorry this has happened…….just when you were getting back to some sort of acceptable living arrangements and some arsehole goes and spoils it. You’re right to be angry and upset. Hope you get this resolved OP…….next time dad wants to stay over be sure to say “yes, providing you don’t piss yourself” !
If it’s due to a medical condition he needs to get help to manage it…..if it’s due to alcohol he should be ashamed.

First of all, no, you don't have to have him stay again; that's of course 100% up to you. Maybe don't have anyone stay over until you're feeling a bit more settled in your new space. Some accidents and damage will always happen over time, even just from the children and the dog, but I bet when you are more used to having your own place and things and your furnishings are broken in and feel like part of your home you may be more inclined to wash or fix them rather than that kind of extreme emotional low of feeling that they're ruined and you don't want them around to remind you.

Secondly, I'd think how you're reacting about your dad depends on context. It sounds like the family you've been staying with does not include your dad, and you've just been to his house for the first time in a while when you smelled the odour there as well. Have you not seen him in a while? Do you have any knowledge of his having a drinking problem or possibly a medical problem? Is he close with anyone else in the family who could give you more context? Regardless, even if he were 100% telling the truth, it was very weird and counterproductive of him to sleep in the urine and spread it around rather than just cleaning it up as soon as he noticed it, or at least telling you about it and asking you to do it. And if he lied it's mean and unfair to worry you about the dog! Obviously you've already had a lot to deal with and are probably still feeling much on edge. In your place I'm not sure how much I'd be angry versus concerned, but you feel what you feel!

I would never ever allow him in my home again. That’s disgusting. Drunk or not.

To say you don't want someone just because they're a man/because of their race/sexual orientation/disability is absolutely wrong.
To say you don't want him to come (I would have sympathy if he had a medical issue, but to lie and blame the dog is awful) is absolutely fine.

Eh????

Did he wet himself because he was drunk? Or is this old age incontinence? If the former then you're right to be a bit angry. But if the latter then you're actually being quite cruel. In both circumstances you're overreacting.